All F*%ked up

I am a mess. A big hot mess.

It’s spring, and like everything else in nature I’m in heat. But sadly a few months of hashimotos flare, being sick and stressed, I don’t FEEL sexy. I’m depleted. I need a week off all my jobs and by myself. But I am afraid if I stop everything this delicately balanced shit storm will come toppling down. I’ll return to a pile of ruins.

It’s everything. My parents trying to navigate life changes because of Dad’s Parkinson’s. My new-ish job is fantastic, but there is an overwhelming amount of work to do. And like the maniac I am I want to do it all. So I feel like I not really nailing anything, and just doing everything okay. A fate worst than death for an overachiever.

The Website is doing well, have you been there? But again, at the end of a work day I haven’t got much left and time is an issue. I haven’t done much with Beautycounter in a few weeks, but use it, lol I love makeup and sometimes eyeshadow is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Legit. Eyeshadow. It is that good.

I have let myself get fat. Well, I don’t know there was much “letting”. Like I mentioned I had a pretty bad flare. I would like to thank stress and a poor work-life balance. I am back to my heaviest weight ever. 205 lbs. Which, fine, all that number is isn’t tangible. It is merely the earths gravitational pull on my body. The amount of water I displace in a bathtub. Which means more mass, more water displacement. I’m saving the environment. Win.

But my back up chin is lurking around, and I have classic cortisol belly fat hanging around my middle. Making me feel frumpy, sad and tired.

I decided it was time to do something. I hired a personal trainer and told her about my thyroid, my genetic disease and that I was weak and in need of body awareness. I’ve worked out with her twice now, she is amazing.

I rearranged my life to take care of my physical health. It felt like a dire situation. A 3 week long headache and a very real eminent feeling of a crash coming on took the choice away. Letting go of some stress and working on my work life balance is next.

My emotional health, and my confidence is a harder recovery…

3 weeks ago I matched with a man on Tinder. I was especially excited as we had matched a few months ago on another platform, but the match timed out. This guy, wow, brown guy a couple years older, with a killer smile, beard and biceps. I swoon. AND he life’s in the same town as me!!! I was so excited. We chatted, exchanged numbers and met up. It was the best date I have been on in YEARS, likely since Caramel Latte. SO amazing. He is smart, driven, intuitive and better looking in real life. I was really excited. I was going to devour this man. I was hoping he would want to rub his beard on me. All. Over. Me.

We saw each other a couple more times, but it felt like he wasn’t totally into me. He repeatedly mentioned being an empath, and and an introvert. Almost like he was warning me that he would disappear. Lol. He had a warning flag relationship with alcohol, and drank every time we hung out (day date booze, cool). He cancelled our plans a couple times. Or rescheduled. I get having things going on, the burden of being an empath, depression, anxiety, having parents that you aren’t responsible for, but you want to help. All things going on with him.

He was great at returning texts, but he never initiated. And I couldn’t stop. I’d check in, tell him to have a great day, just mention he was on my mind. I was investing energy, and it was feeding my insecurity.

I took a deep breath, and deleted his number and contact info. I deleted him from tinder. I decided I could use the cardio but didn’t have the time to chase this man. I haven’t heard from him since. This also hurt me and fed my insecurity. But without doing this I would never regain my power. I am powerful. I simply forgot.

In the midst of all this I arranged another date and got stood up. I was in a tail spin of self pity. Dudes want to fuck me, no one wants to date me. And these guys can’t even make time for casual sex based relationships. WTF. Even Caramel latte as my opposite sex life partner, best friend and business partner doesn’t want to date me. My ex of nearly 10 years didn’t want to marry me. I have always chosen men who are emotionally unavailable. Withholding or unable to commit. I am flawed and un-lovable. This was the negative feedback loop I was running thru. I am not enough.

The problem with telling your stuff this bullshit, is that it becomes true. And I was right, I am not enough. I’m not compassionate enough with myself. I don’t invest enough to myself. I don’t make myself a priority. Really I’ve been awful to myself. How do I expect anyone to love me when I haven’t been loving myself? I have been guarded with myself.

This needs to stop. Now there is a plan of attack. Take time for myself. Go OUT and flirt. Do things to make myself feel better. Get rid of the useless guilt. Take back my power. Love myself.

What do you do for self love? I’m looking for ideas.

Richard pics

Well, there is still something about me that prompts men to send me unsolicited penis photos. I haven’t been on Tinder much, but had a week where I had a photo sent to me every day. 7 penises in 7 days. 7 different penises. Peni? What would be the plural of penis? Penis is a funny word, but I’m getting side tracked here.

I had to laugh, I forwarded them to K obviously and we discussed things such as : lighting, pubic hair grooming, angles and the such. It was funny, and sad all at the same time. I sent her a photo during the work day, and nearly assaulted her co-workers eyes with a week day work hour penis popping up on her phone. We have since limited the “Dick of the day” photos to after 5 pm and on weekends. Makes sense really. They aren’t limited to outside business hours for me, but I can extend the courtesy to her.

I matched with someone out of the blue this week and we exchanged numbers, he wanted my snap chat. First photo he sends me… you guessed it… erect penis clutched tightly in his hand.


So I saved it to my camera roll.

People can see when you save a photo to your camera roll and I wanted him to sweat a little.

I asked first if that was a real time erection or if he kept it on his phone to “spring on people”. He claimed it was right now. A wednesday at 2 pm and he has his hard dick in hand. Cool. Sounds like a good life to have.

So then he asks if I like it? I must have because I saved it. I reply with a “Sure.” But I’m certain he can’t hear the sarcasm in my voice with that.

So then I tell him that since he sent it to me without asking I was going to show a couple other people. I didn’t think he would mind since he just sent it out to me without permission.

He asked if we would be making fun of it. Ummmmm… Yep. Sure would be. I told him I would dress it up and send it back to him. But then I had some questions. Like, has sending your erect penis to women without permission ever worked for him? Has anyone swooned and said “I’ll be RIGHT over!!”?

LOL, Nope.

Ah, and so why did he think that it might work for him this time? He said “I thought we had a special connection.” Righhht. Sure thing buddy. (We have been texting for 7 minutes and never met in person).

So I made his junk look like he was strangling a smiling teddy bear and sent it back to him.

And he deleted me from SNAPCHAT!!!! Hahaha. So I unmatched him from Tinder. I think I have found a solution to the willy nilly willy photos.

I shaved for this??

I am not the biggest country music fan. But today all I could think of was this song

I have been working on moving this week, lugging all of my many possessions down from my third floor walk up. I have spent the last 2 weeks living amidst boxes, and packing a little each day, non essential items, like candles, and summer clothes and razors.

My poor body is battered and bruised, from banging against boxes. But everything is moved now, and mostly cleaned.

I was tinder-ing amongst the boxes of my belongings and matched with a guy I was SO excited about. Tall and dark, great smile, nice biceps, a little bit of beard. We chatted on tinder a bit, and I gave him my number so he could call. We chatted on the phone for well over an hour. I liked him, the only problem, I was crazy busy for the next 2 weeks and he was working away. We texted a couple times per day and arranged a time and place to finally meet today. I was going to devour this man. Like chew him up and swallow him whole. At least I would if he was lucky.

The last few days he was busy with meetings and I have been working on unpacking. I didn’t realistically have the time to drive to meet him or spend the time on a date, but I made the time. I woke up early and dug thru boxes to find date appropriate clothes, a push up bra, make up and a razor.

I’m not a hairy person, unless you were up close you wouldn’t have known that I have been growing my armpit hair. And well, all of it. Funny enough I didn’t bother to shave for my last date. I wasn’t nearly as excited as this one.

I blew dried my hair, and put on some makeup. I am totally in love the the ultimate nudes eye shadow pallet. I was feeling sexy, a little nervous, and suuuuper excited. There was a pretty good chance I would make out with this guy if we had the same chemistry in person as we did via text.

He showed up while I was drinking mint tea and learning about the Keto diet. He seemed really anxious, nervous and looked around the place like he was praying there was no one he knew in there. Shit… another girlfriend tinder dupe? Or maybe a wife this time? He claimed it was the coffee he had on the drive and that he was nervous about meeting me. He told me I was stunning and it was great to meet me. I gave him a hug and we sat down. I took a sip of my tea and he asked if we could “get out of there”. Whoa. Doesn’t even buy me a tea. We had been chatting and texting for 2 weeks, but he hadn’t yet made eye contact.

I smiled, and asked him what the rush was. He had mentioned his love language was touch in our texts, so I placed my hand on his forearm across the table. He relaxed a little, but was still itching to get out of there, I’m not sure where we would go? Maybe he HATES the smell of starbucks? I’m not sure. I told him his energy was making me anxious, and I wasn’t comfortable going anywhere with him. I asked a few questions, he told me a few things, we exchanged information, he slowly relaxed. He needed to drop off some important documents in his car, and would I meet him after he dropped them off? I said that was fine, I would meet him and a restaurant.

The entire time his phone was blowing up, texts and a call, and he ignored all of them. We made a plan and he left. I stayed to update Cherise and R as to what was happening, and 12 minutes later he called me to tell me something had come up and he wouldn’t have time to hang out, but we could have a quickie before he went off to work.

Well swoon. What girl could resist such chivalry and romance? I told him the sudden change of plans paired with his nervous energy had left me irritated and I would not be meeting him. Not for a quickie. Not for anything. I was thinking he should go f*@k himself, but I didn’t say it.

I messaged R and asked if she wanted to meet me for a drink and I headed home. 2 weeks invested. I asked so many questions with this one, I vigorously screened. The silver lining on this, I had 2 weeks of sweet texts, and another blog post in as many weeks. I spoil you guys. ūüôā

After a long hiatus.

Well, it has been a while. It’s crazy how things just stay on the internet forever. And how as much as my life changes it stays the same.

I’m not sure where to start, should I tell you where I have been? What I have been doing? Or should I thrust us all into the details of my date last night?

First… I need a coffee. And a keyboard. I’m not the best with passwords and my iPad is the only device that I could figure out how to log in. And of course the keyboard isn’t paired or charged, since my iPad is reserved exclusively for watching shows in the tub or in bed. No one needs a keyboard to watch “This is us” (keep a box of tissues close). But typing on the screen keyboard has zero flow.

Okay! Now we are cooking with fire! Well, not actually. Again thank goodness for the internet, I fixed it. I do have another keyboard, but it is packed, because I’m moving next week. Yeah, 2 years I have been in this apartment. There have been some great things about it, and like all places, some not so great things. I recycled a date from long ago, (back when I blogged) and my landlord cut the lock off of his bike. Yes, my landlord cock blocked me. It makes sense really, I think he has a fulllllll blown crush on Caramel Latte. Once he stopped me in the lobby to tell be what a big, muscular, good looking man he is. I was all like “I know”.

Caramel Latte is still my favourite. I know most of you liked him the best, and he is my best friend with a penis. I love him, but we are not a couple. My mom doesn’t understand, but in my mothers true fashion she embraces the adventure of my alternative lifestyle.

Okay, lets get into the details of my Tinder date. Tinder, I would be apathetic at best remembering to check my matches and messages. When Caramel latte is around I spend most of my free time hanging with him, plus I have 3 jobs. Who has time for dating? But Caramel Latte is in Vancouver until the end of the month, so I’ve had a little more time to man shop.

I matched with this guy in June. June the first I opened the conversation with a thoughtful and revealing “Hi!”. I know, profound, I’m sorta a word smith spewing poetry with my every breath. Obviously he was captivated by my charm and we chatted a bit. The regular “how are you?” “What do you do?” Type conversation, he works in town for a few weeks and then heads back to Vancouver where he lives. Any time we chatted it didn’t work out, I was in Vancouver while he was here and vice versa. I sent him my phone number but he still messaged me thru Tinder. He wasn’t big on plans, and if I don’t make plans and I’m home with my bra off… Well, we all know I’m not going anywhere.

He sent me hearts and flower emoticons, and sexy GIF’s. He suddenly became persistent about meeting. Or maybe I was just checking Tinder more often than bi-weekly. Anyways, I called him out, it seemed like he was looking for sexy time, which is fine, I’m not against casual sex (sorry Mom). But we had to meet without expectation and publicly before I would consider anything else. He agreed that was a good idea, and sent me a GIF of Jimmy Fallon, this one. That was what sold me on meeting. Yes, a Jimmy Fallon GIF prompted me to go on a date with this guy. Don’t judge me, I love Jimmy.

I texted Cherise, and sent a selfie in case I went missing she would have a current photo. I texted Karma, and told both ladies a few details, a name and a place. Both replied with a “stay safe” I brought along some dog spray just in case. It is a 6 minute walk from my house to the Casino and it was a beautiful night. There were lots of people around, a hockey game had just let out, and I was “packing.”(pepper spray)

I picked the Casino because it has security cameras, they watch everything. It is interesting that cognitively I considered that when picking a place. It makes a real statement about assault and the choices you make as a woman to stay safe, but that is a topic for another day. Maybe over at The Primal Desire.

He was late. NOT a good start. I ordered a salad, so I stayed to eat, but otherwise I would have left. He was apologetic, but seemed apprehensive. He slid into the booth beside me instead of across from me. I was relieved because it was loud in there, and I am loosing my hearing. From the first hello, I noticed his accent.

I asked right away, he had lived in Canada for 10 years, moving from Portugal. That was the accent. Okay, great that paired with the loud room a good portion of the conversation at the beginning was me guessing what he might be saying. Smiling and nodding. He wasn’t terribly tall, but I don’t care about that, he had long dark hair tied up, a beard, and kind eyes framed with smile lines. He was an appropriate age, and when I moved in closer and could hear him, he was smart and interesting. But still awkward. I was the first girl he had met from Tinder. Well that makes sense! That must be why he was guarded!

Wrong. As we were finishing our drinks and my salad, He confessed he had a girlfriend home in Vancouver. They had been together a “long time” (year and a half, so not really) and that he didn’t think “she was the one”. Well no shit buddy. I’m all for open relationships, and clear communication, but this was not that. He was awkward and apprehensive because he was looking to cheat on his girlfriend while he worked out of town. Great. I make it a policy of mine not to bang married men. And to steer clear of men with girlfriends, I mean, there are so many men out there, I am happy to share but have no interest in being a dirty secret. Or knowingly harming another human being on the basis on a whim.

I smiled and tried to put a little distance between us. Side by side cuddled in the booth, it was time for a venue change, we left the restaurant and strolled the much quieter casino floor. I shifted the conversation to things he could do while in town. Maybe check out the cultural society? There is a great (I’ve heard) Portuguese group around. There are some different events going on around town. His girlfriend was talking about coming up for the weekend, I suggested they check out The Nest and Nectar brunch buffet. They were open till midnight at The Nest and Nectar, we made our way over there for coffee and so he knew where it was. I love it there, Randy and Fern are lovely and all of the staff are amazing. If you find yourself in penticton, you have to go here. And let me know, I’ll meet you there! We chatted a little more and with the stress of revealing the girlfriend he relaxed a bit.

Relaxed and shifted towards what WE were going to do after coffee. Would I come back to his hotel? Um… let me think… no. He asked if his girlfriend didn’t come to town did I want to go for brunch Sunday? I said I’d love to go if she did come to town, and he said “Oh she would kill me”. Yeah.

I went home, and texted my peeps that I was home safe. I told Cherise, Karma and Caramel latte my date had a girlfriend. I got back a “WTF” from Caramel, and CHerise asked if I channeled my inner Nola (my mom) and gave him what for. I didn’t. He isn’t my problem.

My mom suggested I should ask for his girlfriends number because I might like her better, and she could use some support when she finds out her boyfriend doesn’t think she is “the one”. That Mom of mine. So compassionate.

I have another date on the 19th after my move, I’m excited about that one!

Seasonal Depression.  

Yeah, that is right.  I don’t love summer.  I suffer from seasonal depression, but it isn’t from lack of sunshine, or day light. I simply have no time.  Or more accurately I don’t make time.  Work is crazy, and it always has been, this second month of summer alway leaves me feeling burnt out.  I am there.  I want to sit by myself, in my messy house.  

There are beaches to go to, fruit to can, people on vacation, and so many things to do.  I don’t have time for any of it. To make time to blog I set my alarm extra early, so I could write a little before work.  There isn’t much for me at Starbucks, I have adrenal fatigue.  My naturopath has advised I stay away from stimulants.  No coffee, (also no diary) and no black tea!  I have a hard time with the no black tea, I like my tea strong and spicy (like my men?).  Herb teas just don’t do it for me.  But I will persevere because I am tired of being tired.

I joked with my naturopath that I was “secretly high strung”. She didn’t laugh.  It isn’t a secret.  She told me I have to “chill the heck out”.  Great.  How do I do that in the busiest month, and a month that I don’t love on top of it?  How do I shake the guilt that I should be: cleaning, canning, getting out side, exercising, visiting friends, going on dates, working, working on the website, blogging, cleaning my car, organizing my office, meditating, cooking, shopping, food prep, watering my flowers, brown and wilty on the patio… shit, I was going to do that this morning.  All I want to do is watch sitcoms on netflicks while I sit in a hot salt water bath.   Maybe while eating cake, and drinking herb tea.  

Caramel latte suggested I re-evaluate my priorities.  I struggle separating my priorities from obligation.  I almost want to give into the comfortable, the normal, where I disappear from my friends and family for the next 4 weeks and just work.  Work and have a pity party.  Not the healthiest option.  Or the smartest.  But it is what I know dammit.  

It’s not like they would really miss me, I’m not very funny right now.  Or pretty.  I’m not very smart either… Haha, because this negative internal message is bringing me down to it’s level.  And re-living old negative habits is going to product old negative feelings.  I feel stuck, I am listening to a Depak-Oprah meditation about how to get un-stuck.  The message is “Today I am a creating a better version of myself”.  So that is exactly what I will do.  I created a version of myself that drinks herb tea, and wakes up early to blog.  A version of myself who expresses emotions instead of running away.  A version that is smart, and witty, and pretty.  A version of myself who will work for 7 hours, work on the website for 2 and will make dinner with a friend.  A version of myself that loves summer, well maybe not quite, is okay with summer. LEts be realistic.  

One bad date

That is all it took to push me over the edge.  One bad date.  It wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but the timing was just right.  Just enough and the perfect time to push me over to a desired life of spinster-hood.

Let’s be clear, it wasn’t criminally bad, or even terribly traumatic… Although I did cry.  It was just a late September evening coffee date.  I was already feeling guilty. The combination of feeling less than awesome health wise, plus work and the recipe website, I was busy, too busy to really check my online messages.  I had even less inclination to get dressed up and meet a stranger, even if he might have been the long lost love of my life. And honestly Caramel Latte has played a large roll in my life the last 2 years.  We are not dating, but BFF’s, partners in life.  It’s like I have all the boyfriend perks without any responsibility.   But where was I… Guilt.  Guilt about hurting someone’s feelings that I hadn’t even met yet.  Is that a female trait?  Co-dependant?  People-pleasing?  Maybe a little of all?  Un-warranted guilt, because all I was doing was taking care of myself, and it was eating up all my time.

We met for coffee, he was interesting, smart, reasonably attractive.  But there was an underlying desperation about him.  Like he was waiting for someone else to complete his life.  Or start it.  I wouldn’t have been against the idea of a second or third date to see, but he wanted immediate connection, sparks, bordering on a hostage situation.  The pressure was too much for me, I evaded a second date pleading a lack of spare time.  He started in on me, 

“If I had no time to date, why was I on a dating site?”

He dug in and claimed he was really looking forward to meeting me (obliviously, I’m a catch) and that he didn’t need friends.  He was a dick.  Looking for someone to bind and keep in his basement.  Caramel Latte had some choice words when I recounted the date a couple weeks later.  That guy was a jerk.  But he had a valid point.  I was, at the end of the day wasting MY time meeting him, checking messages and corresponding.  I had more important things to spend my time on; recipes, work, my health problems and everything else.  I went home from my date red eyed and puffy, I cried all the way home.  And when I got home I opened up my computer and deleted my POF account.  Tinder too.  I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I felt free.  

I haven’t been on a date in 7 months.  I don’t miss it.  I may try online dating again, but for now my life is full of love and goodness.  So many things have happened in the last 7 months.

I met Caramel Lattes family, and he met mine.  His family is just amazing, kind, sweet, and all around awesome.  My extended family LOVES him, I am certain they like him better than they like me.  My mom and I joked about him soon being invited to family gatherings with a plus one.    I don’t think my family quite understands our relationship dynamic, but my parents do.  Any subsequent boyfriend-types will have big shoes to fill for sure!

My second little store shut down and moved, so work has been less hectic.  It’s nice, and boring all at the same time.  Luckily this early summer weather means I am off and running with just one store.  I had a trying week last week, with staff changes and a couple “sour grapes” but feel positive about the team moving forward.

I spent 15 days in Cuba with Caramel Latte in January.  Cuba is interesting, like going back in time.  We had cool and wet weather, not many beach days, but I discovered I am a traveler, not a vacationer.  The resort life is not for me.  We saw some sights, toured around, and did some poolside writing for  We met a group of great people while at our resort, and am looking forward to having one of the girls come visit this June.

I moved!  I nearly forgot, BRE needed some more space, and if I’m being honest, I needed my own kitchen.  I moved into a 2 bedroom 1 bath appt and it is wonderful.  I do miss the loving hectic chaos of kids and pets and people all around, but my own space is serene.  I bought a new sectional, no more half-a-couch for this girl, and I purchased a kitchen aid stand mixer that I use nearly exclusively for whipping cream.  Best. Purchase. Ever.  And I have an extra bedroom if anyone wants to come have a sleep over!!  When the hallways are finished being renovated I’m planning a house warming party, you know, 8 months after actually moving in, I don’t want to rush things.

I finally have a diagnosis, I’m not just crazy and a hypochondriac, I have Hashimotos, you can read more about what it is, and how all that happened on I am trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself, and taking a natural management route.  It means I read a whole bunch, and listen to webinars like it’s going out of style.  

I had a little emotional fit last month.  Two reasons, my ex packed up and moved to another country.  I had some unresolved issues, “grief, and the desire to be recognized” according to my therapist.  We hung out a couple times before he left, and I agreed to ship him some stuff that wouldn’t fit in the car on moving day.  I also had to unfollow and friend a couple people on Facebook, I was not as over my friend breakup as I thought I was.  I often feel that friend a break-up is way worse than a dating someone break-up can ever be.  I had residual hurt feelings, which sent me into a pity party of one and a half-a-box of tissues. 

I questioned my everything. I am a bad friend, and selfish; guilt, again with the guilt, I could have delt with it all differently.  I selfishly take time for myself, instead of being something else for other people.When I say it out loud, it sounds CRAZY!  Even the guilt about my neglected blog.  It felt like a chore, it felt like I needed to process my thoughts and feeling in silence.  I looked out for myself first.  And brushed off the guilt.  The thing with guilt is it is sticky, and messy, brushing it off isn’t easy.   I was angry no one had come to visit me at my new house (the fact that no one had been invited was erroneous!!)  I was in a keep to my self cycle. An Island, I became Cuba trade embargo and all.

  I feel like it was all supremely bennificial.   I am my strongest emotional self.   Insulated from the bad and so intensely aware of the good.  I am happy.  Really happy.  MY life is fulfilling and full of love and joy.  Just as it is right now.  I don’t want to change a thing.  And I’m thankful for that one bad date.

oh hello there old friend…

So, looks like it’s been a while since my last post… I am sorry.  Really, and truely and I always make promises to blog more, but this time I won’t make that promise, and maybe that means I will actually write more.  Maybe, I’m not psychicic.  Just hopeful.  

You may be asking “what wild and crazy shenanigans has Holley been up to to prevent her from dancing her fingers across the keyboard to weave a tale for us all?”  Or maybe you are asking yourself “why has Holley started talking about herself in the third person?”  Well, both are valid questions.  Let’s start with the first one.

What have I been doing?

That is an excellent question.  What have I been doing?  I… umm… well.  I can tell you what I haven’t been doing.  Dating.  Haven’t been on a date since the “no chemistry viticultualist” MONTHS ago.  I haven’t been exercising.  Or cleaning my house.  Or doing any number of other things I probably SHOULD be doing.  Although I have sucessfully cleaned off my PVR.  Yes, you heard me right, I not only watched all the TV I had recorded, but I then deleted all the shows.  It was stressful, but what an amazing sense of acomplishment.  PVR clean!  BOOM!  Are you impressed?  I’m impressed.

I have been busy, work fell apart a bit, I have hired 9 new employees in the last 8 weeks.  That’s some stress.  I broke my favourite camera lense, so posting for has been a little more difficult.  And then have been traveling around the valley doing fun things, in my spare time, in no particular order:  I spent a romantic get away weekend at sparkling hill with my BFF.  I attended my god daughters princess party.  I went to oyster fest in osoyoos.  I cat-sat for 2 weeks while a friend went to Europe, I used her convection oven, gym and hottub.  I went to a VQA wine show with my senior staff.  I spent a weekend in Salmon arm at the beautiful prestige harbour front resort, just a little solo get away.  I spent a couple nights in vernon hotels, for Dr. appt’s and mini solo get aways.  I cat-sat for my friend K which ment long soaking baths and watching entire seasons of Newsroom and Girls.  I took my cousin to her very first concert, Def Leppard.  I went with my Ex to Marilyn Manson, that was amazing people watching.  I went to, So You Think You Can Dance, and Celtic Thunder.  I attended and outdoor beer festival.  I went to my good friend “The King” wedding.  I was sick, so sick, spent 5 days in bed sick, I hadn’t been that sick in years.  I suppose if I could have kept my eyes open long enough I could have used that time to blog.  But I couldn’t, so I didn’t.  I have done a 21 day meditation challenge, and a 30 day paleo challenge.  And started going thru my closet, which is a daunting task.

I have deffinately been on the go, but I feel frumpy, My house is a mess, and I haven’t checked my dating profile messages in so long they will probably be deleted users by the time I get to them!  And of course there is the neglected blog.  So although I have been doing a better job of doing things for myself, I haven’t been doing great things in taking care of my physical or romantic health.  Dammit. 

I wonder if I could outsource this?   Anyone willing to take that position?  You will be met with some considerable resistance, especially initially, as I don’t do well with being told what to do.  Or being nagged.  But what I have been doing obviously isn’t working.  Or maybe I need to be compassionate with myself that things, some things at least are different, and that my progress will come, with equal parts persistance and patience.  Ohh, and alliteration apparently, progress, persistance, patience.  Let’s go with that for now.  I need to get 30 min of walking in and take some recipe pictures before dark… till we meet again my dear friends… 



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Ruined, I’ve been ruined…

Alright, it may be a little drastic.¬† I haven’t been “ruined” necessarily.¬† I’ll explain.

Since the valentines day break ups, I hadn’t heard from the 23 year old.¬† Radio silence for¬†2 whole weeks.¬† Until a 7 am dick pick made it’s grand entrance to my screen along with a very sweet “wish you were here”.¬† Hahaha.¬† Oh man, I asked a couple questions and looks like he is using me to direct¬†his attentions, ¬†while his on and off girlfriend is off.¬† That’s not a good feeling, being a back up plan.¬† I deserve to be treated infinitely better than that.¬† I broke up with him again.¬† Apparently I’m not good at this break up stuff.¬† My friend Raj had bet me $10 I would hear from him again, I really didn’t think I would.¬† So now not only did I have to break up all over again, I owe $20.¬† Boo.

I have been on a couple dates with a viticulturist (grape grower for wine).¬† We have gone for tea, and to the pool for a hot tub/steam a couple times.¬† I really like him, he is genuine, and smart, and funny.¬† The problem, he is super busy, and I’m under the impression with every meet we are rapidly pushing each other into the “friend zone.”¬† There is little sexual attraction at this point.¬† But I have made a wonderful new friend!!¬† Darn it.¬† I mean, yay!

I met a guy for dinner and drinks last week.¬† He has an accent, and we had chatted on the phone a couple times.¬† I will call him no-name.¬† Because I actually have no idea what his name is.¬† His accent; colonial British.¬† A dear sweet Indian man with a faint British accent but with the classic Indian rolling R’S.¬† He is an absolute delight to listen to, and I could have just sat eyes closed and listened to him read the menu to me.¬† But the date it’s self, just okay.¬† So smart, but so very serious.¬† And there were a half a dozen times in the hour and a half we spent where he checked his cell phone.¬† This drives me a little crazy.¬† He is also seeming un willing to come to me, or meet me half way.¬† Ugh.¬† It became uncomfortable after he finished his beer, he was obviously enamoured by my “physicality”.¬† That is the most tactful way I can think of to say; I’m 90% sure he was thinking of me later that night while masterbating.¬† Maybe 95%.¬† And although flattered, I didn’t reciprocate those feelings.

So why do I think I’ve been ruined?¬† We¬† I haven’t had a decent spark flying, pulse quickening,¬†exciting, date in over a year.¬† Caramel latte may have ruined me.¬† Or spoiled me for subsequent dates, and that was never serious.¬† Sometimes I think I am destined for¬†the single girl life.¬† But during my body talk session this week, she says that there is romance, in and all around me.¬† Maybe I’m missing it, maybe it’s coming, but we agree penis pictures are not “romance”.¬† So I’m trying to stay open and available to the romance coming my way.

Valentines day Break ups

Well, a 80+ year old lady just told me she “admired my slacks” Hahahah. I love it, I am wearing plaid leggings

I feel so very stylish. Hahah, altho now I really look at them, my grandmother would love them… I think she had a shirt like this. Polyester of course.
I have already gotten off topic. I am feeling a little tender today. I initiated a number of breakups yesterday.
I broke up with the 23 year old. He has been calling and texting and we had arranged to meet up. When he cancelled on me, I was relieved. He makes me feel nervous. Butterflies fill my chest and I feel awkward. After consulting with my BFF, I decided to heed her advice and listen to what my body was saying. I phoned him and we talked about how I felt, and that I thought we should leave each other alone. He feels the same, nervous. We make each other nervous. So we are letting go, and trusting the universe will unfold as it should. No more anxiety or guilt. And if it is to be, it will. No more energy is to be spent. I feel a mix of relief and sadness. He was good for my ego, he makes me feel as I am the most amazing woman ever lived. Truly irresistible.

I have been “married” on facebook for more than 7 years. But, to a woman, a friend. A friend that I have fallen out of favour with. I think that friendships that span years have a tendency to ebb and flow. I think it’s okay, and true friendship can resist the slack and stretch of time and distance. People grow apart and together, and then apart again, the only thing constant is change. It may have been the hardest break I made, removing the married status from my page. I even teared a bit, but a relationship not serving needs to be severed.

I have mentioned that I am a collector of amazing people, this is true, but the down side is that I am not good at ending relationships. Even ones that are toxic or painful or no longer serving my best interests. I hold on, I give another chance, I try harder. I need to stop. I will stop. The people pleasing, and feeling like I need to do and be more to have people love me. It’s coming to a crashing halt.

I culled my facebook friend list. I deleted or removed nearly 100 people from my list. If I wouldn’t stop to say hello in the supermarket, I deleted them. Any one who has treated me poorly or with malice, they are gone too.

I cleaned out old text messages, and deleted contacts that are no longer people I wish to spend time with. Texts that come from unfamiliar numbers will be deleted without thought. I am not a booty call, or a back up plan for boys and dates. I am a shark. I keep moving forward. It is the means for survival.

I have a fresh outlook. I deserve to be treated with love and adoration. To feel good, and whole and deserving. I AM irresistible, and sparkle with positive energy. I am generous and kind, to myself and others, and require reciprocation. If that isn’t happening, we are breaking up. And it’s not an on again-off again relationship. Me and my fancy pants are leaving. For good. But we wish you the best life and love you deserve. XO Holley.

Hey, I might like you… here is a picture of my dick. :-)

Hey Ya’ll! How the heck have you been? Miss me? I have been eating paleo the last month so been sticking fairly close to home, hard to meet for drinks or coffee dates when you aren’t drinking. And no sitting at starbucks blogging either.

Okay, last time I wrote here I told you about a guy who rejected me. a few weeks later he texted me. Whatever else he had going on must have fell thru. Well, after a quick text to my friend T, we decided – fuck that guy. He missed his window. I did reply, but kept it icy. I’m no back up plan. And the more he texted me the less I liked him.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates, and some random texts from old flames. I did get a few dick pictures from a tinder meet. Holy horse cock. Hahaha. Since the cock shot shares, I see he isn’t on tinder anymore, so someone must have been adventurous enough to tackle the gigantic monstrosity, you know what, I’m sharing it. I’ll just snip it a bit. Hahah. Snip it…. My immediate reaction was fear. Pretty sure I have an average sized vagina, that equipment would bruise my poor lady parts.


I’ve been working hard on improving my mood, before christmas and most of last fall I was feeling low. Depression had crept in along with stress, a few extra pounds and under eating. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide out, but then would beat myself up for that. Instead of enjoying the rest and relaxing.

I’ve also tried to say yes to more things. Dinner with friends? Yes. Trip to Portland with my Ex? Yes. That’s right, a potentially awkward weekend away was a great time. We had some drinks, did a pub crawl, caught a basketball game and rang in the new year. Really great time. Are we rekindling a romantic flame? Nope. Not a chance. Not again. But he did mention (while drunk) he didn’t realize how good he had it with me. So there was a little vindication.

I was madly flirting with a friend of a friend a couple weeks ago at a games night. I told Cherise about my new boyfriend and that I intended to flirt my face off later that night, that I was almost ready to tell him he was my new boyfriend because I had seen him at a handful of events now. Well… I did flirt, we sat next to each other, leg against leg, I was TOTALLY in there! He gave me his phone number. Conquest complete. And then it happened. I made some reference about something in pop culture that he didn’t get. This was odd, he gets all my jokes, and is smart enough to know how funny I am. But he didn’t get this… suspicion crept in. How old is this man? Is he actually a boy, was I the oldest person in the room? Was I preying on him? Yes, I was, but was I cougaring him, not just preying? Shit. He is 25. Really? Ugh. I laughed, he said “almost 26” like that makes it any better. Dammit. We might have to break up. These imaginary relationships can be so hard.

Speaking of men far too young for my the 22 year old broke up with his girlfriend. Sigh. I feel mixed emotions about it, He is SO good for my ego. And he CALLS me. I know… uses that text and internet device I carry around with me to verbally communicate. But although he has gotten older, so have I. And he still lives a ways away. I have now realized I am not preying on him, but I think he may be hunting this cougar. And if I date a man 12 years my junior I can justifiably be called a “cougar.” I have been entertaining the idea of a t-shirt. I think it should say something along the lines of “must be this tall to ride” but should have a born-before date.

I went to Seattle for a weekend with my Blog buddy, we caught Super Bowl in the emerald city and had a little post game bar hop. We met a group in one bar, they left and they were already at the next bar we went to. It is the best feeling to walk into a random bar, that you have never been to before and have a table of people scream your name with excitement. I felt like a rock star. And I had a man tell me he “Loved his girlfriend, but I was truly extraordinary”. Awe. I wasn’t interested in anything but taking off my boots and brushing my teeth at that point. But good to hear for external validation none the less.

I have a lunch date today with a man of an appropriate age, and a couple on the hook for next week meet ups. No dick pics this week, but I am hopeful for next week!!

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