That is all it took to push me over the edge. One bad date. It wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but the timing was just right. Just enough and the perfect time to push me over to a desired life of spinster-hood.
Let’s be clear, it wasn’t criminally bad, or even terribly traumatic… Although I did cry. It was just a late September evening coffee date. I was already feeling guilty. The combination of feeling less than awesome health wise, plus work and the recipe website, I was busy, too busy to really check my online messages. I had even less inclination to get dressed up and meet a stranger, even if he might have been the long lost love of my life. And honestly Caramel Latte has played a large roll in my life the last 2 years. We are not dating, but BFF’s, partners in life. It’s like I have all the boyfriend perks without any responsibility. But where was I… Guilt. Guilt about hurting someone’s feelings that I hadn’t even met yet. Is that a female trait? Co-dependant? People-pleasing? Maybe a little of all? Un-warranted guilt, because all I was doing was taking care of myself, and it was eating up all my time.
We met for coffee, he was interesting, smart, reasonably attractive. But there was an underlying desperation about him. Like he was waiting for someone else to complete his life. Or start it. I wouldn’t have been against the idea of a second or third date to see, but he wanted immediate connection, sparks, bordering on a hostage situation. The pressure was too much for me, I evaded a second date pleading a lack of spare time. He started in on me,
“If I had no time to date, why was I on a dating site?”
He dug in and claimed he was really looking forward to meeting me (obliviously, I’m a catch) and that he didn’t need friends. He was a dick. Looking for someone to bind and keep in his basement. Caramel Latte had some choice words when I recounted the date a couple weeks later. That guy was a jerk. But he had a valid point. I was, at the end of the day wasting MY time meeting him, checking messages and corresponding. I had more important things to spend my time on; recipes, work, my health problems and everything else. I went home from my date red eyed and puffy, I cried all the way home. And when I got home I opened up my computer and deleted my POF account. Tinder too. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt free.
I haven’t been on a date in 7 months. I don’t miss it. I may try online dating again, but for now my life is full of love and goodness. So many things have happened in the last 7 months.
I met Caramel Lattes family, and he met mine. His family is just amazing, kind, sweet, and all around awesome. My extended family LOVES him, I am certain they like him better than they like me. My mom and I joked about him soon being invited to family gatherings with a plus one. I don’t think my family quite understands our relationship dynamic, but my parents do. Any subsequent boyfriend-types will have big shoes to fill for sure!
My second little store shut down and moved, so work has been less hectic. It’s nice, and boring all at the same time. Luckily this early summer weather means I am off and running with just one store. I had a trying week last week, with staff changes and a couple “sour grapes” but feel positive about the team moving forward.
I spent 15 days in Cuba with Caramel Latte in January. Cuba is interesting, like going back in time. We had cool and wet weather, not many beach days, but I discovered I am a traveler, not a vacationer. The resort life is not for me. We saw some sights, toured around, and did some poolside writing for http://www.theprimaldesire.com. We met a group of great people while at our resort, and am looking forward to having one of the girls come visit this June.
I moved! I nearly forgot, BRE needed some more space, and if I’m being honest, I needed my own kitchen. I moved into a 2 bedroom 1 bath appt and it is wonderful. I do miss the loving hectic chaos of kids and pets and people all around, but my own space is serene. I bought a new sectional, no more half-a-couch for this girl, and I purchased a kitchen aid stand mixer that I use nearly exclusively for whipping cream. Best. Purchase. Ever. And I have an extra bedroom if anyone wants to come have a sleep over!! When the hallways are finished being renovated I’m planning a house warming party, you know, 8 months after actually moving in, I don’t want to rush things.
I finally have a diagnosis, I’m not just crazy and a hypochondriac, I have Hashimotos, you can read more about what it is, and how all that happened on www.ThePrimalDesire.com. I am trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself, and taking a natural management route. It means I read a whole bunch, and listen to webinars like it’s going out of style.
I had a little emotional fit last month. Two reasons, my ex packed up and moved to another country. I had some unresolved issues, “grief, and the desire to be recognized” according to my therapist. We hung out a couple times before he left, and I agreed to ship him some stuff that wouldn’t fit in the car on moving day. I also had to unfollow and friend a couple people on Facebook, I was not as over my friend breakup as I thought I was. I often feel that friend a break-up is way worse than a dating someone break-up can ever be. I had residual hurt feelings, which sent me into a pity party of one and a half-a-box of tissues.
I questioned my everything. I am a bad friend, and selfish; guilt, again with the guilt, I could have delt with it all differently. I selfishly take time for myself, instead of being something else for other people.When I say it out loud, it sounds CRAZY! Even the guilt about my neglected blog. It felt like a chore, it felt like I needed to process my thoughts and feeling in silence. I looked out for myself first. And brushed off the guilt. The thing with guilt is it is sticky, and messy, brushing it off isn’t easy. I was angry no one had come to visit me at my new house (the fact that no one had been invited was erroneous!!) I was in a keep to my self cycle. An Island, I became Cuba trade embargo and all.
I feel like it was all supremely bennificial. I am my strongest emotional self. Insulated from the bad and so intensely aware of the good. I am happy. Really happy. MY life is fulfilling and full of love and joy. Just as it is right now. I don’t want to change a thing. And I’m thankful for that one bad date.