Seasonal Depression.  

Yeah, that is right.  I don’t love summer.  I suffer from seasonal depression, but it isn’t from lack of sunshine, or day light. I simply have no time.  Or more accurately I don’t make time.  Work is crazy, and it always has been, this second month of summer alway leaves me feeling burnt out.  I am there.  I want to sit by myself, in my messy house.  

There are beaches to go to, fruit to can, people on vacation, and so many things to do.  I don’t have time for any of it. To make time to blog I set my alarm extra early, so I could write a little before work.  There isn’t much for me at Starbucks, I have adrenal fatigue.  My naturopath has advised I stay away from stimulants.  No coffee, (also no diary) and no black tea!  I have a hard time with the no black tea, I like my tea strong and spicy (like my men?).  Herb teas just don’t do it for me.  But I will persevere because I am tired of being tired.

I joked with my naturopath that I was “secretly high strung”. She didn’t laugh.  It isn’t a secret.  She told me I have to “chill the heck out”.  Great.  How do I do that in the busiest month, and a month that I don’t love on top of it?  How do I shake the guilt that I should be: cleaning, canning, getting out side, exercising, visiting friends, going on dates, working, working on the website, blogging, cleaning my car, organizing my office, meditating, cooking, shopping, food prep, watering my flowers, brown and wilty on the patio… shit, I was going to do that this morning.  All I want to do is watch sitcoms on netflicks while I sit in a hot salt water bath.   Maybe while eating cake, and drinking herb tea.  

Caramel latte suggested I re-evaluate my priorities.  I struggle separating my priorities from obligation.  I almost want to give into the comfortable, the normal, where I disappear from my friends and family for the next 4 weeks and just work.  Work and have a pity party.  Not the healthiest option.  Or the smartest.  But it is what I know dammit.  

It’s not like they would really miss me, I’m not very funny right now.  Or pretty.  I’m not very smart either… Haha, because this negative internal message is bringing me down to it’s level.  And re-living old negative habits is going to product old negative feelings.  I feel stuck, I am listening to a Depak-Oprah meditation about how to get un-stuck.  The message is “Today I am a creating a better version of myself”.  So that is exactly what I will do.  I created a version of myself that drinks herb tea, and wakes up early to blog.  A version of myself who expresses emotions instead of running away.  A version that is smart, and witty, and pretty.  A version of myself who will work for 7 hours, work on the website for 2 and will make dinner with a friend.  A version of myself that loves summer, well maybe not quite, is okay with summer. LEts be realistic.  

One bad date

That is all it took to push me over the edge.  One bad date.  It wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but the timing was just right.  Just enough and the perfect time to push me over to a desired life of spinster-hood.

Let’s be clear, it wasn’t criminally bad, or even terribly traumatic… Although I did cry.  It was just a late September evening coffee date.  I was already feeling guilty. The combination of feeling less than awesome health wise, plus work and the recipe website, I was busy, too busy to really check my online messages.  I had even less inclination to get dressed up and meet a stranger, even if he might have been the long lost love of my life. And honestly Caramel Latte has played a large roll in my life the last 2 years.  We are not dating, but BFF’s, partners in life.  It’s like I have all the boyfriend perks without any responsibility.   But where was I… Guilt.  Guilt about hurting someone’s feelings that I hadn’t even met yet.  Is that a female trait?  Co-dependant?  People-pleasing?  Maybe a little of all?  Un-warranted guilt, because all I was doing was taking care of myself, and it was eating up all my time.

We met for coffee, he was interesting, smart, reasonably attractive.  But there was an underlying desperation about him.  Like he was waiting for someone else to complete his life.  Or start it.  I wouldn’t have been against the idea of a second or third date to see, but he wanted immediate connection, sparks, bordering on a hostage situation.  The pressure was too much for me, I evaded a second date pleading a lack of spare time.  He started in on me, 

“If I had no time to date, why was I on a dating site?”

He dug in and claimed he was really looking forward to meeting me (obliviously, I’m a catch) and that he didn’t need friends.  He was a dick.  Looking for someone to bind and keep in his basement.  Caramel Latte had some choice words when I recounted the date a couple weeks later.  That guy was a jerk.  But he had a valid point.  I was, at the end of the day wasting MY time meeting him, checking messages and corresponding.  I had more important things to spend my time on; recipes, work, my health problems and everything else.  I went home from my date red eyed and puffy, I cried all the way home.  And when I got home I opened up my computer and deleted my POF account.  Tinder too.  I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I felt free.  

I haven’t been on a date in 7 months.  I don’t miss it.  I may try online dating again, but for now my life is full of love and goodness.  So many things have happened in the last 7 months.

I met Caramel Lattes family, and he met mine.  His family is just amazing, kind, sweet, and all around awesome.  My extended family LOVES him, I am certain they like him better than they like me.  My mom and I joked about him soon being invited to family gatherings with a plus one.    I don’t think my family quite understands our relationship dynamic, but my parents do.  Any subsequent boyfriend-types will have big shoes to fill for sure!

My second little store shut down and moved, so work has been less hectic.  It’s nice, and boring all at the same time.  Luckily this early summer weather means I am off and running with just one store.  I had a trying week last week, with staff changes and a couple “sour grapes” but feel positive about the team moving forward.

I spent 15 days in Cuba with Caramel Latte in January.  Cuba is interesting, like going back in time.  We had cool and wet weather, not many beach days, but I discovered I am a traveler, not a vacationer.  The resort life is not for me.  We saw some sights, toured around, and did some poolside writing for http://www.theprimaldesire.com.  We met a group of great people while at our resort, and am looking forward to having one of the girls come visit this June.

I moved!  I nearly forgot, BRE needed some more space, and if I’m being honest, I needed my own kitchen.  I moved into a 2 bedroom 1 bath appt and it is wonderful.  I do miss the loving hectic chaos of kids and pets and people all around, but my own space is serene.  I bought a new sectional, no more half-a-couch for this girl, and I purchased a kitchen aid stand mixer that I use nearly exclusively for whipping cream.  Best. Purchase. Ever.  And I have an extra bedroom if anyone wants to come have a sleep over!!  When the hallways are finished being renovated I’m planning a house warming party, you know, 8 months after actually moving in, I don’t want to rush things.

I finally have a diagnosis, I’m not just crazy and a hypochondriac, I have Hashimotos, you can read more about what it is, and how all that happened on www.ThePrimalDesire.com. I am trying to be gentle and compassionate with myself, and taking a natural management route.  It means I read a whole bunch, and listen to webinars like it’s going out of style.  

I had a little emotional fit last month.  Two reasons, my ex packed up and moved to another country.  I had some unresolved issues, “grief, and the desire to be recognized” according to my therapist.  We hung out a couple times before he left, and I agreed to ship him some stuff that wouldn’t fit in the car on moving day.  I also had to unfollow and friend a couple people on Facebook, I was not as over my friend breakup as I thought I was.  I often feel that friend a break-up is way worse than a dating someone break-up can ever be.  I had residual hurt feelings, which sent me into a pity party of one and a half-a-box of tissues. 

I questioned my everything. I am a bad friend, and selfish; guilt, again with the guilt, I could have delt with it all differently.  I selfishly take time for myself, instead of being something else for other people.When I say it out loud, it sounds CRAZY!  Even the guilt about my neglected blog.  It felt like a chore, it felt like I needed to process my thoughts and feeling in silence.  I looked out for myself first.  And brushed off the guilt.  The thing with guilt is it is sticky, and messy, brushing it off isn’t easy.   I was angry no one had come to visit me at my new house (the fact that no one had been invited was erroneous!!)  I was in a keep to my self cycle. An Island, I became Cuba trade embargo and all.

  I feel like it was all supremely bennificial.   I am my strongest emotional self.   Insulated from the bad and so intensely aware of the good.  I am happy.  Really happy.  MY life is fulfilling and full of love and joy.  Just as it is right now.  I don’t want to change a thing.  And I’m thankful for that one bad date.

oh hello there old friend…

So, looks like it’s been a while since my last post… I am sorry.  Really, and truely and I always make promises to blog more, but this time I won’t make that promise, and maybe that means I will actually write more.  Maybe, I’m not psychicic.  Just hopeful.  

You may be asking “what wild and crazy shenanigans has Holley been up to to prevent her from dancing her fingers across the keyboard to weave a tale for us all?”  Or maybe you are asking yourself “why has Holley started talking about herself in the third person?”  Well, both are valid questions.  Let’s start with the first one.

What have I been doing?

That is an excellent question.  What have I been doing?  I… umm… well.  I can tell you what I haven’t been doing.  Dating.  Haven’t been on a date since the “no chemistry viticultualist” MONTHS ago.  I haven’t been exercising.  Or cleaning my house.  Or doing any number of other things I probably SHOULD be doing.  Although I have sucessfully cleaned off my PVR.  Yes, you heard me right, I not only watched all the TV I had recorded, but I then deleted all the shows.  It was stressful, but what an amazing sense of acomplishment.  PVR clean!  BOOM!  Are you impressed?  I’m impressed.

I have been busy, work fell apart a bit, I have hired 9 new employees in the last 8 weeks.  That’s some stress.  I broke my favourite camera lense, so posting for http://www.theprimaldesire.com has been a little more difficult.  And then have been traveling around the valley doing fun things, in my spare time, in no particular order:  I spent a romantic get away weekend at sparkling hill with my BFF.  I attended my god daughters princess party.  I went to oyster fest in osoyoos.  I cat-sat for 2 weeks while a friend went to Europe, I used her convection oven, gym and hottub.  I went to a VQA wine show with my senior staff.  I spent a weekend in Salmon arm at the beautiful prestige harbour front resort, just a little solo get away.  I spent a couple nights in vernon hotels, for Dr. appt’s and mini solo get aways.  I cat-sat for my friend K which ment long soaking baths and watching entire seasons of Newsroom and Girls.  I took my cousin to her very first concert, Def Leppard.  I went with my Ex to Marilyn Manson, that was amazing people watching.  I went to, So You Think You Can Dance, and Celtic Thunder.  I attended and outdoor beer festival.  I went to my good friend “The King” wedding.  I was sick, so sick, spent 5 days in bed sick, I hadn’t been that sick in years.  I suppose if I could have kept my eyes open long enough I could have used that time to blog.  But I couldn’t, so I didn’t.  I have done a 21 day meditation challenge, and a 30 day paleo challenge.  And started going thru my closet, which is a daunting task.

I have deffinately been on the go, but I feel frumpy, My house is a mess, and I haven’t checked my dating profile messages in so long they will probably be deleted users by the time I get to them!  And of course there is the neglected blog.  So although I have been doing a better job of doing things for myself, I haven’t been doing great things in taking care of my physical or romantic health.  Dammit. 

I wonder if I could outsource this?   Anyone willing to take that position?  You will be met with some considerable resistance, especially initially, as I don’t do well with being told what to do.  Or being nagged.  But what I have been doing obviously isn’t working.  Or maybe I need to be compassionate with myself that things, some things at least are different, and that my progress will come, with equal parts persistance and patience.  Ohh, and alliteration apparently, progress, persistance, patience.  Let’s go with that for now.  I need to get 30 min of walking in and take some recipe pictures before dark… till we meet again my dear friends… 

  


 
  

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Ruined, I’ve been ruined…

Alright, it may be a little drastic.  I haven’t been “ruined” necessarily.  I’ll explain.

Since the valentines day break ups, I hadn’t heard from the 23 year old.  Radio silence for 2 whole weeks.  Until a 7 am dick pick made it’s grand entrance to my screen along with a very sweet “wish you were here”.  Hahaha.  Oh man, I asked a couple questions and looks like he is using me to direct his attentions,  while his on and off girlfriend is off.  That’s not a good feeling, being a back up plan.  I deserve to be treated infinitely better than that.  I broke up with him again.  Apparently I’m not good at this break up stuff.  My friend Raj had bet me $10 I would hear from him again, I really didn’t think I would.  So now not only did I have to break up all over again, I owe $20.  Boo.

I have been on a couple dates with a viticulturist (grape grower for wine).  We have gone for tea, and to the pool for a hot tub/steam a couple times.  I really like him, he is genuine, and smart, and funny.  The problem, he is super busy, and I’m under the impression with every meet we are rapidly pushing each other into the “friend zone.”  There is little sexual attraction at this point.  But I have made a wonderful new friend!!  Darn it.  I mean, yay!

I met a guy for dinner and drinks last week.  He has an accent, and we had chatted on the phone a couple times.  I will call him no-name.  Because I actually have no idea what his name is.  His accent; colonial British.  A dear sweet Indian man with a faint British accent but with the classic Indian rolling R’S.  He is an absolute delight to listen to, and I could have just sat eyes closed and listened to him read the menu to me.  But the date it’s self, just okay.  So smart, but so very serious.  And there were a half a dozen times in the hour and a half we spent where he checked his cell phone.  This drives me a little crazy.  He is also seeming un willing to come to me, or meet me half way.  Ugh.  It became uncomfortable after he finished his beer, he was obviously enamoured by my “physicality”.  That is the most tactful way I can think of to say; I’m 90% sure he was thinking of me later that night while masterbating.  Maybe 95%.  And although flattered, I didn’t reciprocate those feelings.

So why do I think I’ve been ruined?  We  I haven’t had a decent spark flying, pulse quickening, exciting, date in over a year.  Caramel latte may have ruined me.  Or spoiled me for subsequent dates, and that was never serious.  Sometimes I think I am destined for the single girl life.  But during my body talk session this week, she says that there is romance, in and all around me.  Maybe I’m missing it, maybe it’s coming, but we agree penis pictures are not “romance”.  So I’m trying to stay open and available to the romance coming my way.

Valentines day Break ups

Well, a 80+ year old lady just told me she “admired my slacks” Hahahah. I love it, I am wearing plaid leggings

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I feel so very stylish. Hahah, altho now I really look at them, my grandmother would love them… I think she had a shirt like this. Polyester of course.
I have already gotten off topic. I am feeling a little tender today. I initiated a number of breakups yesterday.
I broke up with the 23 year old. He has been calling and texting and we had arranged to meet up. When he cancelled on me, I was relieved. He makes me feel nervous. Butterflies fill my chest and I feel awkward. After consulting with my BFF, I decided to heed her advice and listen to what my body was saying. I phoned him and we talked about how I felt, and that I thought we should leave each other alone. He feels the same, nervous. We make each other nervous. So we are letting go, and trusting the universe will unfold as it should. No more anxiety or guilt. And if it is to be, it will. No more energy is to be spent. I feel a mix of relief and sadness. He was good for my ego, he makes me feel as I am the most amazing woman ever lived. Truly irresistible.

I have been “married” on facebook for more than 7 years. But, to a woman, a friend. A friend that I have fallen out of favour with. I think that friendships that span years have a tendency to ebb and flow. I think it’s okay, and true friendship can resist the slack and stretch of time and distance. People grow apart and together, and then apart again, the only thing constant is change. It may have been the hardest break I made, removing the married status from my page. I even teared a bit, but a relationship not serving needs to be severed.

I have mentioned that I am a collector of amazing people, this is true, but the down side is that I am not good at ending relationships. Even ones that are toxic or painful or no longer serving my best interests. I hold on, I give another chance, I try harder. I need to stop. I will stop. The people pleasing, and feeling like I need to do and be more to have people love me. It’s coming to a crashing halt.

I culled my facebook friend list. I deleted or removed nearly 100 people from my list. If I wouldn’t stop to say hello in the supermarket, I deleted them. Any one who has treated me poorly or with malice, they are gone too.

I cleaned out old text messages, and deleted contacts that are no longer people I wish to spend time with. Texts that come from unfamiliar numbers will be deleted without thought. I am not a booty call, or a back up plan for boys and dates. I am a shark. I keep moving forward. It is the means for survival.

I have a fresh outlook. I deserve to be treated with love and adoration. To feel good, and whole and deserving. I AM irresistible, and sparkle with positive energy. I am generous and kind, to myself and others, and require reciprocation. If that isn’t happening, we are breaking up. And it’s not an on again-off again relationship. Me and my fancy pants are leaving. For good. But we wish you the best life and love you deserve. XO Holley.

Hey, I might like you… here is a picture of my dick. :-)

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Hey Ya’ll! How the heck have you been? Miss me? I have been eating paleo the last month so been sticking fairly close to home, hard to meet for drinks or coffee dates when you aren’t drinking. And no sitting at starbucks blogging either.

Okay, last time I wrote here I told you about a guy who rejected me. a few weeks later he texted me. Whatever else he had going on must have fell thru. Well, after a quick text to my friend T, we decided – fuck that guy. He missed his window. I did reply, but kept it icy. I’m no back up plan. And the more he texted me the less I liked him.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates, and some random texts from old flames. I did get a few dick pictures from a tinder meet. Holy horse cock. Hahaha. Since the cock shot shares, I see he isn’t on tinder anymore, so someone must have been adventurous enough to tackle the gigantic monstrosity, you know what, I’m sharing it. I’ll just snip it a bit. Hahah. Snip it…. My immediate reaction was fear. Pretty sure I have an average sized vagina, that equipment would bruise my poor lady parts.

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I’ve been working hard on improving my mood, before christmas and most of last fall I was feeling low. Depression had crept in along with stress, a few extra pounds and under eating. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide out, but then would beat myself up for that. Instead of enjoying the rest and relaxing.

I’ve also tried to say yes to more things. Dinner with friends? Yes. Trip to Portland with my Ex? Yes. That’s right, a potentially awkward weekend away was a great time. We had some drinks, did a pub crawl, caught a basketball game and rang in the new year. Really great time. Are we rekindling a romantic flame? Nope. Not a chance. Not again. But he did mention (while drunk) he didn’t realize how good he had it with me. So there was a little vindication.

I was madly flirting with a friend of a friend a couple weeks ago at a games night. I told Cherise about my new boyfriend and that I intended to flirt my face off later that night, that I was almost ready to tell him he was my new boyfriend because I had seen him at a handful of events now. Well… I did flirt, we sat next to each other, leg against leg, I was TOTALLY in there! He gave me his phone number. Conquest complete. And then it happened. I made some reference about something in pop culture that he didn’t get. This was odd, he gets all my jokes, and is smart enough to know how funny I am. But he didn’t get this… suspicion crept in. How old is this man? Is he actually a boy, was I the oldest person in the room? Was I preying on him? Yes, I was, but was I cougaring him, not just preying? Shit. He is 25. Really? Ugh. I laughed, he said “almost 26” like that makes it any better. Dammit. We might have to break up. These imaginary relationships can be so hard.

Speaking of men far too young for my the 22 year old broke up with his girlfriend. Sigh. I feel mixed emotions about it, He is SO good for my ego. And he CALLS me. I know… uses that text and internet device I carry around with me to verbally communicate. But although he has gotten older, so have I. And he still lives a ways away. I have now realized I am not preying on him, but I think he may be hunting this cougar. And if I date a man 12 years my junior I can justifiably be called a “cougar.” I have been entertaining the idea of a t-shirt. I think it should say something along the lines of “must be this tall to ride” but should have a born-before date.

I went to Seattle for a weekend with my Blog buddy, we caught Super Bowl in the emerald city and had a little post game bar hop. We met a group in one bar, they left and they were already at the next bar we went to. It is the best feeling to walk into a random bar, that you have never been to before and have a table of people scream your name with excitement. I felt like a rock star. And I had a man tell me he “Loved his girlfriend, but I was truly extraordinary”. Awe. I wasn’t interested in anything but taking off my boots and brushing my teeth at that point. But good to hear for external validation none the less.

I have a lunch date today with a man of an appropriate age, and a couple on the hook for next week meet ups. No dick pics this week, but I am hopeful for next week!!

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rejection cubed squared in a fancy box

Haha, I said box. Okay, I haven’t been to the gym in months and I feel frumpy, why wouldn’t I go on a date or two??? I know setting myself up for failure. But I have this pipe dream that I’ll find someone who accepts me just the way I am, frump and all.
I went on a lunch date with one guy, seemed nice enough, but there was nothing there, he… well… he is a welder (My brother wouldn’t approve). He was just a touch shorter than me, okay until I pull out my gianormous heels, but that wouldn’t bother me. He is a smoker. Gross. Really a deal breaker, altho he didn’t smoke in my presence. He has a 14 year old he doesn’t ever see, and seems to be flip about. Not my place to judge, but I did a little. I am a jerk. All in all there were too many no’s. And my bathing suit parts didn’t feel any different when he was around. There felt like an air of pre holiday relationship desperation about him. Like he was looking for a warm body to spend a few days over the holidays with. A date for the company christmas party to show off, and a way to cut the loneliness of the holiday season. I get it, but… doesn’t make it any better of an idea. And jokes on him, I work thru the holidays. Ha. ha. Maybe the joke is on me…
For our second date we went for dinner, and I couldn’t in good conscience let him pay for another meal knowing I had NO desire to take this any further, I paid for dinner, which sent him into shock. Then a movie, I loved it, he did not share my sense of humour. Another red flag. He made some derogatory comment about “fags” and I wanted to slap him. By this point I knew not only did I not want to date him, we wouldn’t be friends. As politely as I could I told him I wasn’t interested. Rejection is hard, even when you are dishing it out. At least it is for me- a classic people pleaser.
My second dater in 2 weeks for 2 dates was a banker, new to town, and I begrudgingly left my house to meet him for tea. He was great, uh, well, really smart, conversational, but a little bit of a dick. I can handle a dick-edge to men, as long as they are smart. Arrogant ignorant dicks, are not my thing. Our tea took up a couple hours, discussing a variety of world events, he claimed to not be looking for anything serious as he just moved to town. I like it. I’m not looking for anything serious either, I have no time. Mr. nothing serious texted me like a fiend for the next 2 days. Highly entertaining and severely sexually charged. We were going to make out. I had this feeling. Our second date was take out and documentaries on Apple TV. So if nothing else I would learn something. He… was… okay. Not amazing, but okay. Like all those texts ran out his heat. Or maybe I just wasn’t as hot in real life? We made out a bit. He wanted to go slow. Haha. I think I simply wasn’t his thing and he was trying to save my feelings. How kind of him. I haven’t heard from him since. Now it was my turn for rejection. I have a guy friend who is happily married that I dish my dates to. He claims it’s him being supportive, but I think it reinforces for him the benefits of being married. He suggested this man I went on a date with that wanted to go slow had iron will. Amazing control. I suggested it was dumb. He asked me what I would do if he called me again? I assured him it was un likely I would need to worry about it, but IF, big maybe IF he called me again, I would bang him and then never call again. Because that’s how I roll.
All hell has broken loose at work the last week, so no time for dates, but i’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and try this again in january.

Sad single girl

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Are you ready? This is a post I have been kicking around for a while. Weeks, maybe even months. Seems like there is never a good time, I SHOULD be doing many other things, “hey there… piles of junk stacked all over, way to clutter not only my space but my mind too.” Oh work, sure, yeah, I don’t need a life, I’ll just cover that shift, or stay late to get shit done. Website, although I am passionate about it, it’s all so overwhelming sometimes, and working with 10 min of daylight if I’m lucky any day. Well. Yuck. I don’t even want to start on the lack of Gym time.
Okay. I am 35. It kind of snuck up on me. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare or celebration. I spent the day at home in my PJ’s. I talked to my parents, as they remembered this year (my mom never knows what day it is, so remembering date dependant events has never been her strength, Dad reminded her). Mom said “a break down doesn’t need to happen today.” So I shut out the world and warded off my breakdown.
How did this happen? It was a blink ago I was so HOT, and dancing on bars. I was going places, meeting people. I had plans. Get married, have kids, own a bar. Now I find myself 35, single, no kids, no bar (thank goodness). 35 is closer to 40 than 20. Yuck again. Yuck.
I’m still fairly attractive I suppose, how is that statement for wishy washy…I mean, I feel soft and frumpy right at the moment, but I have my charms. I am clean, for 35 I don’t have any grey, and my smile lines are developing nicely, but I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles.
So why the heck was this last birthday so tough? I mean honestly, I have a fabulous life. I don’t have to watch anything on TV I don’t want to. I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to. Had a rough day and feel like going home for a nap? Yeah, I can do that. I have no one but myself to provide for, feed and take care of. I mean, shit, once I pay rent, a can squander the rest of my money on animal print accessories, chocolates and things that sparkle. I feel like going for a drive and not coming home for 3 days, I can do that too. I am foot lose and fancy free.
It’s lonely.
And there are all sorts of social pressures. “You are STILL single.” “Don’t you want kids?” Blah blah blah. I resist my immediate response to tell people I am emotionally unavailable, and I pick men just like me. I want to cry . I want to laugh. I want to say “there must be a terrible flaw in me.” I want to give them a slow blink, turn on my (often awesome candy color stiletto) heel and walk away without muttering a single word.
I refuse to be in a relationship for the sake of not being single. And well, I don’t meet people sitting at home working on my food blog.
Some things need to immediately change. Covering shifts at work. Well, there will be an apathy flush. I am taking care of myself. Exercise. Every day. Has to happen. And blogging, writing for the sake of writing, likely on here because the other blog isn’t really mine, is good for my mental health. I can’t promise a lot, but so you know, I’m alive and struggling thru, and writing for you is on my radar. I will share my sad single girl tales…

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I’m cool and all, but…

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I am sitting at my fave Starbucks in the corner, sipping a caramel latte. I wanted to blog about my past birthday, and how hard this one has been for me, but… well… I didn’t bring any tissues, and I will need some, it’ll be a cryer. And well, I have this amazing story to tell you now.

Those that know me, are aware, I get more dick pictures than the average single girl. Not that there has been a poll, but it seems like, I get them randomly, and often. I haven’t been on a date in 6 weeks, but I have gotten 3 random, unsolicited penis pictures in that time. I know, contain your jealously. I have a glamorous life.
I received an unsolicited monday morning dick pic. 9 am erections are apparently the most photogenic. I get it, there’s good light. A great picture needs good light. I didn’t reply. I was busy being a grown up doing work type things. Lame I know, but you know, 35 years will do that to a girl. Around noon I got another text asking why I hadn’t commented. Well. Um. I didn’t want to. After a year of texting and three dates, I knew this conversation wouldn’t go anywhere. I responded I was busy at work (true statement) but that we should hang soon. He would have to come to me. We texted back and forth for a bit and he told me he wanted a threesome. I laughed at my phone screen. I haven’t been on a one on one date in weeks, the majority of my friends are married with kids, and I just turned 35, I’m not 22. If I go to the work of orchestrating a threesome, why would I invite him? I am not against the idea, I mean, I don’t know, I might like it? But it seems like more work than I plausibly have time to organize. Plus he doesn’t have much in the way of free time, and he lives a couple hours away. All in all a threesome is not likely to be in the cards with me. I told him so. He responded with something along the lines of: you are great and all, but I don’t need to travel to get laid.
Hahaha. I feel the same way. I was simultaneously incredibly insulted and wildly amused. What on earth was I doing texting with this guy? What a colossal, truly monumental waste of time and energy. I told him I felt the same way and he came off as slightly insulted, wishing me luck out there. Like finding someone with a desire for one on one sex with a girl like me was a reach. I really need the luck. Nope. This is his deficiency, not mine. I told him I would put him on the list, you know, like a spare board if a position came available… but I won’t. I won’t call, I won’t write. I’m done. I deserve better. If it took me 35 years to realize that, I have finally found a great thing about this last birthday, I know things.

bed time, because it’s dark at 7:30pm

Well, I haven’t been on a date for a while. As predicted the firefighter ran out of time, and I ran out of motivation to chase him. He was really fit, so he ran fast. hahah. Kidding mostly. I did spend a few days in vancouver with the lovely Micah and Brooke. And then back to vancouver to attend a very cool echocardiogram ultrasound. I saw a baby!! And heard its whooshing heart. Really a miriacle, procreation, if I think of it too long it makes me sad I don’t see it in my cards. Luckily there is lots of babies/kiddies around that need my love. I did tinder a bit while in the city. Met some lovely bearded and brown men. One was, I thought, maybe a little dumb? His messages were mis-spelt and slow. But turns out, he wasn’t dumb, there was a language barrier. Well he might be dumb, but in another language. I had to break it to them gently that soon I would be GUD (geographically un-desirable) soon. Sad face in any language.
I have been standing in my kitchen for the last 5 days canning. That’s right, Domestic goddess right here. I am doing enough preserving for a family of 7. Tomato soup, salsa, pears, applesauce, peaches, ketchup, it’s been a little excessive. Back in the gym this week after a week off and looking forward it. Not feeling my super sexy self these days, drinking too much starbucks with sugar and grilled cheese sandwiches. Time to get back on the clean eating wagon, and dating. I think I can… I think I can… But of course tomorrow, after a good nights sleep.

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