Rough Couple of Days.

I’m so sorry I have neglected you.  I was having a crisis, and while writing helps I was having a hard time organizing my thoughts, in my head, never mind on screen…and typing while crying is really quite challenging!

Friday, I woke up and had a delicious shake.  Frozen black cherries, cocoa powder, and fat free yogurt, blended with a splash of milk.  Chocolate covered, cherry goodness.  I had to visit my Doctor for a far over due annual check up, and had planned on staying at a friends house overnight for some quality time.

I packed my bag, and I packed 3 portions of shake mix to get me through.  By the time I finished what I needed to at work, and got on the road for my 2 hour drive (I need to find a Doctor closer) I didn’t have time to make a shake or have a snack.  I figured since I was meeting Cherise for lunch and I’m still resisting counting calories, the lunch at our favorite Mexican place would be more than enough to replace lunch and a snack!  I really should be counting calories; I’m just worried it will become obsessive, as it often does. I had a cup of spicy bean soup, tossed greens and a pineapple, chicken and spinach quesadilla

I had a great drive and the most amazing lunch date, was feeling pretty good as I went to my Dr. Appointment.  Thankful that despite how awful things have been for me, so many others have it MUCH worse.

Life was crazy for me last fall.  I had weddings, stagegttes, changing jobs, a break up, moving, I bought a new car, and basically took the hand bag that was my life, and dumped it out on the counter.   I’m still in the process of picking up all the things, and placing them in my new life hand bag.  During all this, I missed my annual check up.  By nearly 6 months.  So in the office, My Doctor is naturally curious as to why.  I start to explain the last 6 months, and start to cry.  She keeps asking questions, and I continue to cry.  I just can’t seem to compose myself.  I’m plowing through her box of Kleenex, using up tissues in rapid succession, they are falling balled up and soggy onto the examination table like snowballs.

I am in the middle of a major meltdown, my first in weeks, and it is being witnessed by my very concerned GP.  At this point, she recommends an anti depressant.  I blink though my tears and try to suck in a breath to plead my case, I’m much better, I’m normally not such a mess… all the while I’m finding just the thought of being on anti depressants extremely depressing… Irony.  There is no shame is needing help, and if you are experiencing even the slightest thought of suicide or death, please, PLEASE seek help.  I think that meds can be a ramp to higher ground, a rainbow out of a storm.  But this is what I have you people and this blog for.  Weight loss, support and accountability, sorry if you didn’t know, I might as well throw in some mental health…

She finally lets me leave without a prescription, but I have to return in 4-6 weeks.  I have a mole that also needs to be watched, and there is no messing with melanoma, especially for a fair-haired pasty skinned girl like myself.  And a promise that if I get even a twinge of despair I must return for help.  Fair enough.

Now I have spent the last hour crying, and I haven’t even spoken to her about my healthy weight loss goals, or her recommendations.  Good thing I have to go back in a few weeks…

First place I go is for coffee.  White chocolate mocha, and I’m going to self medicate with whipping cream.  They even shave a little white chocolate on top of the whipping cream.  Oh good god… Fantastic.  Pity chocolate, as it’s obvious I’ve been crying, but I’ll take it!

As I walk back to my car I notice parallel parking blurred by tears and puffy eyes was not my thing.  The back passenger wheel is nearly on the sidewalk.  I am parked like an asshole.  At least I can laugh about that.

I never did drink my second shake.  I had slice of thin crust veggie and a piece of stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza for dinner while I watched star wars episode 3.  Obviously I should have stuck with the thin crust veggie.  Then I drank wine and ate chocolate while painting our toenails and watching a girlie movie with Candace.  It was pretty great!

I had a shake the next morning, we were meeting Vanessa for brunch but I need to eat in the morning!  (Half of a chocolate milk to go, shaken with mix.)  Lunch was a turkey sandwich with spinach salad.  Then a trip to Lulu finished our visit.

My hour drive home was thoughtful.  I had planned a night in my pajamas watching a movie and bed early, but as I pulled into the driveway I realized it was my neighbors birthday party.  I had RSVP’d weeks ago to attend.  Crap.  After a quick jaunt to fix a work problem (sometimes being the boss blows), I gathered up a bottle of wine and went over.  There was so much food…  I choose some healthier options, rice wraps, sushi, vegetables, and then offset my good choices with a couple glasses of wine.  I was glad I went, was nice to be out of my house.  Technically, under the same roof, as I only had to walk thru the garage to go there, but out of my suite none the less…  I finished my night with a cupcake.  What a weekend.  Hopefully it won’t undo the entire week of shakes and exercise.  I guess we will see on Wednesday.

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2 thoughts on “Rough Couple of Days.

  1. Heather says:

    Oh my goodness Holley! I didnt relize what a state u have been in! Also Im so amazed that u are willing to share it with everyone.. we need to talk one day soon!!!
    Before we made the move out here from Calgary I was going through a stage in my life that I wasnt sure I would make it out of, and found that the move was definatley NOT a way to run away from my problems, just came a whole butt load of new ones! 😦 But through it all I have found ways to keep my chin up.. even as dreary as a situation seems! Hopefully over the next few weeks u keep motivated enough to look forward to your new life! 🙂 As hard as it is.. I have been trying to live with the whole “look forward… not backwards” motto.

    • holleyrocks says:

      Running away never solves anything! I just couldn’t afford to stay in that huge apartment by myself, and was spending a small fortune on fuel for the 45 min drive each way to work. Plus the added time of commuting.
      There is no shame in depression, it’s something everyone copes with at one time or another! I find freedom in truth, and will share hoping it will benefit others! Thanks for reading!

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