Monthly Archives: February 2012

That time again… HUMP DAY!

I had some crazy dreams last night, and didn’t sleep really well.  Slept in this morning, but had time to weigh still.  190.6  This is good, it’s my pre-breakup weight.  I have a renewed vigor, because I have a new goal!  Trophy Wife!  (in actual fact not likely, but I think it sounds fun!)  Exercise is the key.  In celebration of the loss this week, I ate cookies while I cleaned my house.  I guess I didn’t have dinner, explains while I was hungry.  Now they won’t taunt me from the cupboard.  I showed them!


You should be thankful I am not your fitness instructor…

Today was a day dedicated to me.  It was wonderful.  I found a jasmine plant, and wandered around artknap.  I went grocery shopping.  I loaded my new nano (thanks to the best BFF Cherise!)  And went for an hour and a half walk in the sunshine.  Was a little cold, but beautiful!!  I folded laundry while watching TV.  I had made plans to meet my friend for a spin class.  I have a bike trainer in my living room, but out of the house is a good idea!  There were 2 ladies behind me.  They spent the class leisurely peddling and visiting.  I am sorry.  Why the EFF would you go to the gym to chat.  If I were the instructor, I would have announced to the class, “I’m obviously not working you hard enough, thanks for letting me know Ladies, lets pick it up”  I would have worked the class SO hard, the floor would need to be mopped afterwards.  Why would you take a class to half ass it??  It is like going to a yoga class to just lay on the floor.  Of course I would also be the yoga instructor that makes you hold plank for 10 breaths because people are tee-peed. (cheating and poking your but up)

Those instructors are the ones that get results.  They are not for everyone, but That’s how I would be.  Maybe I should look into getting certified…

Red Solo Cup party, and the potentially on it’s way to being an epic weekend

I was stressed at work this week. I’m not usually stressed at work anymore. I am sure part of the stress was making sure everything was done for my 4 day weekend. As I type, I realize, I forgot time cards… haha. I knew that was going to happen.

I had dinner with my ex, and we watched star wars. I tried to talk about Dating, something I asked him to disclose when he started and vice versa. But I chickened out of it. It will happen in good time, I am sure.

Friday I went and paid a speeding ticket, and dealt with a warning, I still hadn’t changed my address. So I learned where the DMV and the RCMP offices are in my new town. I started to tidy my house a bit, and folded my laundry, but ran out of time. My amazing parents came and picked me up, we went to visit their “coin guy” (they collect coins and people, He is like adopted family) Then a trip an hour south to see my grandparents. I told you about some of the time and experiences I shared with my gramps. The other set of grandparents I was never close to. I visit every couple years. Terrible I know. But… well, I was left feeling pretty raw about some things that happened when I was a teenager, and I had a chip on my shoulder about it. As I developed into an adult, It’s not something I was a big enough person to change. It was a two way street, they didn’t make efforts to contact me. So it merely wasn’t a priority. Now I live maybe an hour away, and I feel like an asshole not going to visit. I am a better person. My experiences good and bad made me the person I am today. I wouldn’t change them even if I could. I still have the opportunity to have an adult relationship with my grandparents, and I think I would be a fool to dismiss them. My grandmother is an incredible cook. She made us ribs and rice with beets and salad, Fresh Strawberries, whipped cream and lemon cake from scratch. After dinner we visited, and I went thru some of her recipes. I have some great ideas! Who wants to come for dinner??

My parents have to drive 2 plus hours home, so we left fairly early, I had plans to abandon my half-a-couch and head out on the town, with my one friend. Red solo cup party and bull riding. I wore one of my new dresses, and some cowboy boots. I drank bourbon on ice. 2 shooters and a drink, I was drunk. We wandered around the bar, I had fun, I did realize, my flirting is seriously lacking. Desperately out of practice. We were the last ones to leave, then it was a denny’s trip before home to bed. I didn’t sleep much but I also wasn’t hungover today, I felt pretty good.

After the greasy mozza sticks and the moons over my hammie at 3 am, I knew I had to make up some of those calories today. 2 shakes and a salad.

I went for a 5k brisk walk, it was beautiful. Often I listen to an iPod when I walk, but today at the recommendation of my yoga instructor, for the last 30 min, I shut it off. 30 min of intent walking, while trying to keep my mind clear. Letting go of thoughts as they came into my head, no planning, no lists, just me, with an empty head, Listening to my breath, hearing the swish of my jacket and the padding of my shoes on the path. Smelling the crisp air, letting the pungent smell of junipers penetrate my nose (bahahah…sorry, I said penetrate) The smell of the lake, and the wet dirt. Noticing the birds, and trees, and grass, but not staying on them, thinking about them, just letting go of my every thought, sending them into the air like little pink balloons, floating away with the wind. It is a difficult exercise. I am used to acknowledging people around me, multi tasking, and always actively doing. It’s a marvelous feeling, when you can just let it all go. But extremely difficult. Try it some time, for just 10 min, you will drift into your thoughts, you’ll notice something and start your mind racing. Let all of it go. Just focus on the breath, in and out, in and out. And be patient with yourself, it goes against everything we have been taught. Have drive, purpose, be efficient. No. Let it all clear out. But please stay on a walking path or sidewalk, no one wants to be hit with a car…

I came home after my walk and spent 20 min on my bike trainer, just to warm up. I bought a bright orange windbreaker for walking (I really don’t want to be hit with a car, and most of my outerwear is black). It is marvelous. Wind proof, water repellant, but not terribly breathable. Like being sealed in a ziplock bag, my hoodie was a little more than damp, gross…

I went to “the vow” with my one friend who is also friends with my neighbor, small world. 🙂 Then came home to make a CD and Blog. Tomorrow is a big day, 2 hours drive to Zumba with Cherise (YAY!!!) then a visit in the hospital with gramps.

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Well then.

I took 2 muscle relaxers and fell asleep on my couch at 7:30pm last night. Around 11 I was dreaming about an ab work out. In actual fact there was a workout infomercial on the channel I fell asleep watching. I woke up, shut off the TV and went to bed. Could have been the worst cramps I’ve had in 10 years. Being off the pill, it makes sense.

Weigh in today and it was 192.4. So 3 weeks with a slight gain, but I’m not worried about it. I had to pull the smaller belt out of my cupboard, to wear a pair of old jeans that didn’t used to need a belt. And like I said worst time-of-the-month in a long time, so likely retaining a little this week.

I have been collecting new party dresses the last month, I like wearing dresses, and I’d really like to show off my recently shaved, shapely svelte legs. I also bought some HOT new shoes.20120222-184636.jpg

Now I just need an event to wear them for. I have been contemplating the idea of dating. I just… well… I don’t know. I’m flip flopping. It makes everything seem so final. However, when he moved all his shit out of the apartment we shared…that kind of made the break final too. Months ago.

I haven’t had any opportunities to date, But… if someone came into my living room to meet me and take me on a date, it would be weird. Creepy, really creepy. I guess I should get out more…

On that note, I’m going to go watch Modern family while I ride the bike trainer in my living room. Alone. In my house. Happy hump day.


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Why don’t they make chocolate covered midol? And other enigmas of life…

I’ve been really moody, brooding even. I started what my mother calls “hell week” Feels like my uterus is being ripped from my body. Slowly… I get terrible cramps. And lucky me, it usually lasts a long time as well. I took a couple midol, but I’m still suffering, a little exercise would help, but I kind of feel like I want to throw up right now. Stupid hormones… On the agenda for tonight: “hot” date with my electric blanket and bed early. Weigh in tomorrow!

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I may be a bit of a hippie

The good things about my body by Vi shakes, they are quick and easy, and they are actually quite tasty. I like to customize my shakes. I add greek yogurt, chia, flax and hemp hearts, bee pollen, fruit, veggies, and all sorts of things. I even used white hot chocolate powder for a “desert” shake. Unfortunately it makes the low calorie shakes, higher in calories, by probably 200-300 calories. That is a lot on a calorie reduced diet, for a girl who HATEs counting calories. Based on this estimate, despite feeling slimmer I don’t think I have lost any weight in the last couple weeks. But we will know on wednesday.

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New plan for today

I was going to go out with the girls tonight, I have bought a new dress, and attempted to thin out my leg hair enough to get razor thru it. My leg hair was so long, I could feel the wind blowing thru it. Single girl for months now, and I like to wear knee socks in the winter, why shave?

Unfortunately a sick kid has prompted possibly a plan B, or even C. I’m going to plant some seeds, like the hollyhocks, which was the title yesterday but never explained. I love hollyhocks, and there are no curtains on my kitchen window, I bought tall flowers to block the view in. Hollyhocks don’t bloom until the second year, unless they are started early. My mother emailed this useful tidbit of information to me while I was in revelstoke. Libby took such delight at the title holleyrocks hollyhocks, I had to throw it out for her. I would also like to find a climbing jasmine plant for my house. I like plants. And flowers, and gardening.

I worked till 11 last night and was craving timbits. I drove thru, ordered and extra small hot chocolate and 10 assorted timbits. I was hey telling with my ray of sunshine (who has not yet given his permission to be mentioned in my blog) and I unveiled my evil plot to eat all 10 timbits despite the diet. I open up the box, and 3 of them are flavorless plain gross, ugh! And then 2 more are the same styrofoam dough rolled in sugar. So of the 10 I only ate 5. I was convinced that it was all part of the Timmes workers plot against me, but “sunshine” assured me anyone working the midnight shift at Timmes on a friday night did not have an ulterior motive. I guess the universe unfolds exactly as it should.

Once again I have an abundance of wine in preparation for tonights activities, So a little exercise is also on my agenda, The sun just came out, so I’m going to capitalize and enjoy a walk on the beach. Super saturday to all!


Holley Rocks Hollyhocks, Just for you Libs!

I am sorry. I have sadly neglected my blog.  I was really struggling with it,  and even the idea of it.  Plus it seemed like I had no time.  A struggle most of us have every day, a shortage of time.

Revelstoke was a wonderful time away, Libby and I hung out, she took me for twice daily walks (the dog came too), we went for a beautiful “date,” hot springs, I had never been, dinner and a ferry ride, where Libby struck up conversation with a half dozen boys, (snow nerds) solely for my benefit.  It was a weekend of easy and insightful conversation.  The kind of weekend only a 20 year friendship can produce.  I hope everyone gets to feel that once in their life.

I confided to Libby that initially I was in love with the blog, a torrid infatuation.  But lately… I just wasn’t feeling funny, and it wasn’t as entertaining as it started out.  It was all “me, me, me… I did this… I think that…”  That even though it was about me, I wasn’t sure I would go out of my way to read it.  Now rationally this is silly.  It is a blog about me and my experiences.  How I am healing through this awful life changing break up, move, and “personal crisis” (1st world worries).  If my intent is to write a comedy piece, it’s no longer about me, it’s about the readers.  I in some warped and twisted way made my personal blog about the readers.  I have issues.

I know most of the people that read my blog are people that I love and hold dear, that even when I’m not funny my voice is clear in my writing.  And that you are not checking here to be entertained  (right?).  Those of you that do not know me on a personal level, I’m flattered you follow, and I’ll apologize in advance, it may not always be a laugh a minute.

I stopped on my way home to visit my grandfather.  This old man, has been mean, selfish, thoughtless, and even out right crazy for most of my adult life.  My grandmother had a genetic muscular failure disease similar in nature to MS .  She passed away 12 years ago. My Gramps has been a happy bachelor for 20 years. My mother used to pack up us kids and haul us to grandma and grandpa’s house 2 or 3 times a week. She did all the house cleaning and errands for my grandmother before she went into the nursing home.  As a kid I spent a tone of time with Grampa.  He had a tractor tire retaining wall that he had made into a garden, I’ll search for a picture… it was super cool.

He liked to be out of the house and honestly away from my grandmother most of the time.  He hunted, fished, went berry picking, and had a smattering of interesting people he liked to go visit.

We would go with him.  I loved the smell of the forrest, and the beautiful things we saw, there was always fresh berries, or fruit and veggies. I saw amazing sunrises and sunsets from mountain tops,  I shot a gun for the first time, learned how to split wood for the fireplace, how to start a fire, how to pick blackberries without giving most of your skin to the bramble, How to drive, and how to get yourself out of a ditch/sinkhole/not actually a road hours away from civilization and usually at almost dark.  Unfortunately he was a maniac about it.  We couldn’t just go and pick an ice-cream pail of wild blueberries or huckleberries, Which takes in its self a long time wild berries are small!  It would have to be 8, we would get out there and be there ALL day.  Blackflies and misquotes swarming (and I am delicious, they LOVE me), the sun beating down on you (and I am super fair) Rain or shine, he would pick us up early and we would be out till dark. 2 or 3 hours driving for berries.  Once you were home, you weren’t done, then all the berries needed to be cleaned and sorted, usually on cookie sheets, picking out leaves and bugs.  You know what’s worse than finding a worm on your berry?  Half a worm…  Or opening up a peach and having a mess or earwigs climb out of the pit. eeeeeeeeee… I hate earwigs

There were lots of life lessons snuck in there. Wether he meant to teach us things or not, probably not.  But I took away some valuable experiences, good and bad.  It wasn’t until I was 8 or 9 I learned “bugger” wasn’t an endearing term.  He would tease me mercilessly, until my Mother taught my to stand up for myself, bully coping 101 is a good life lesson.  I learned what determination really meant.  He worked hard at whatever task was at hand, until it was done.  No half ass-ing anything.  Work ethic is also a good life lesson.

Don’t get me wrong, I have incredible parents, and I know for a fact there were times my Mother did NOT want me to go out with gramps on one of his crazy excursions, and the stuff that happened she would have to laugh so she didn’t cry.  He was so self absorbed he put us kids in potential peril on a regular basis.  But he is dying and so I will focus on the good things…

Or the funny things, At 14 I was crazy about driving.  I wanted to drive so bad.  Gamps would want to go hunting, and it was safer for me the 14 year old with no experience to drive while he eyeballed the hills for game.  Scary thought.  He loved the back roads, or barely roads, a couple broken sticks and a muddy flat spot does not constitute a back road, something he was oblivious to.  I was driving his new vehicle, brand new in fact, he hadn’t even had a chance to beat it up, he told me to head down this bike path of a road, and there was some snow on the ground. 15 min down this ever narrowing “road”  and we get stuck.  He had taught me how to “rock” out of a ditch while your wheels are spinning, but it hadn’t worked.  No way he was getting out to push so he told me to crank the wheel and try again… I was looking over my right shoulder, I cranked the wheel to the right too, and he said, “floor it”.  We jerked out of the ditch and heard a thud/smash/tinkle of broken glass.  Oh shit.  I look out the left window and there is a tree right there,  something we had previously not noticed.  I took the side view mirror right off.  Clean off.  Not even hanging there.  I nervously laugh, and say; “You didn’t really use that did you?”  “Nope” was his reply, he was pretty cool about it.  I shimmied out of the cab to pick up the mirror, he replaced it with a mirror a different color, he just didn’t care about that stuff.

One of the lessons he intentionally taught me was “never lend money to someone you love or family”  Because there was a definition for him, you don’t always love family. LOL.   Living on my own for the first time, working full time and going to school what was supposed to be full time, really I was Bartending my way thru Bartending.  I was tight on cash.  He would come and visit me at work, I’d buy him lunch and yell at him a bit (super hard of hearing).  He came in and had a beef dip and a coffee,  I told him I had lunch, he refused, wanted a bill.  I was thinking, cranky “bugger” (haha), I can buy the old guy lunch.  But I gave him a bill, he put some money in the folder and left.  When I went to go clean the table I grabbed the billfold and there was, in addition to the bill total, 5 crisp $100 bills tucked inside.  I sat down on the chair at his table and had a cry.  Wow.  He wasn’t ever much for hugs, didn’t cope well with feelings or tears, it was the most thoughtful thing he could have done.  And then he left for the emotional part.  Smart.  I phoned him, and told him it was a loan, I would pay him back, he said he wasn’t interested in getting it back.  I had an emergency fund, and it was a gift.  That if you weren’t in a position to gift money to a loved one you shouldn’t lend it.

The last few years have been tough on him, his brain has gone a little mushy, he holds onto things that happened 40 years ago, but can’t remember what he had for lunch.  He would show up at my work with a flat of cherries, and the next week show up again, not because he wanted me to have 20 lbs of cherries, but because he didn’t remember dropping off the first and second, even third batches.  He was in the hospital and nearly died of blood poisoning 4 or 5 years ago, not something one usually battles out of.  See that sheer determination again?   He has macular degeneration, so he can’t see well, he’s been deafer than a door knob for as long as I can remember. But now he can’t remember where his hearing aides are.

He was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer a few months ago.  A considerable size tumor that usually puts people on morphine or palliative care, but not that man, he’s still plowing thru life.  Drinking teas, and herb remedies.  His doctor has told him flat out he will die.  He says his Dr is an idiot.  Healthy denial still.  My mother went to go visit him a week ago.  He didn’t recognize her.  Armed with a very funny/tragically sad email of information I was prepared to go see him on my way home from revelstoke.

He just went into an assisted living facility, and fell out of bed on friday, he was moved to the hospital where they found additional tumors in and around his kidneys.  So My visit had been relocated to the hospital.

I found his room, and went in prepared for confusion.  He knew who I was right away.  I must have caught him on a good day, or being in the hospital he hasn’t had his naturopath remedies that make him a little spacey.  I brought him cookies, and we visited, he asked about My Brother and his family, told me how proud my mother is of those boys.  I reminded him that grand kids are pretty fantastic, nudge nudge, wink, wink.  He laughed.  He told me he wants me to have his deep freeze.  This would be the second one he’s given me, how may freezers does a girl need?

We chatted a bit, chatted isn’t the right word, I have to yell at a volume that can be heard around the corner at the nurses station so he can hear me sitting 12 inches away. I ask if he’s been in a fight, there’s a bandage on his nose where he’s smashed his face falling out of bed.  He says he lost a fight with the floor.  Stupid gravity.   I asked what his Doc had said, knowing already that they are waiting on a bed in hospice, He tells me medicine is big business and his Dr is an idiot.  Not come to grips with the thought of dying.  OK.  I ask him if there is anything he needs?  He says, “New liver”  I offer him part of mine, but he says I’m using it, I should keep all of it.  After about an hour, I should start my 2 hour drive home, and he thanks me for coming to visit.  I’ll see him soon, and I hold it together until I’m out of the room.  Down the elevator to a washroom, and I lock myself in there and have a little cry.  I was prepared for confusion, indifference, connection and caring mades this harder.  Cancer is a mutherf**ker.

I didn’t weigh this week.  I forgot it was wednesday.  there will be another wednesday next week… I’ll weigh twice.

I never call… I never write…

I’m sorry, I have lots to blog, I just need to carve out some time to sit and write. I will soon… I promise…


Just chilling waiting for my dinner company. I’m going away for the weekend. I’m armed with a half dozen possible outfits, who knows what we will be up to, a bag of vi shake mix, and enough wine to injure a medium sized child. I’m excited to get away from work for a weekend. Feels like I’m there a lot. Time for a mini vacay.
I’ve walked, or done yoga the last few days, but will have to get some exercise in if I plan on, no wait… WHEN I drink all that wine. I have already made that plan, time to follow thru! I really have no idea what is planned but I am excited to spend some time with Libbs.
The plan is to stop and see my ailing grandfather on the way home, he won’t know who I am. But at this stage seeing him is more about me than him. He is a tough old bugger, deaf as a door knob, macular degeneration, so he can’t see, and stage 4 liver cancer. Most people by this stage in the game are in hospice. But not him… Resilient old man.

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