Sometimes I’m an asshole.

I am in the middle of a full blown relapse. I am not soaking up the boxes of kleenex that I was a few months ago. But something about this warm weather, spring/summer, has sent me into a renewed tizzy of heartbreak. Maybe all this warm weather, and the lure of outdoor activities has left me feeling lonely. So many things I want to do, and can do alone, but are of course better shared. Funny that the response I find myself in being lonely is to push people away. Almost a nahnahnah, I will push you away before you have an opportunity to be too busy for me. Hence the title. Putting myself first does not mean I can’t make time to see my friends, or flex my schedule to make time for loved ones.

I had a long weekend from work. No plans, and a full-ish bank account, with nothing but sunshine in the forecast for the next 3 days. I needed some personal time. So up and ready at 6 am, I packed a bag, grabbed my passport and hopped in my car. I drove the Hope Princeton Hwy #3 Mostly for the Lulu lemon outlet in burlington but partially because until I was in my car at 6:45 AM I had completely forgotten about travel insurance. I’m an adult, I always have an emergency plan/fund, and I purchase insurance. I had a new audio book and an iPod filled with 950 random songs. The drive was beautiful. Sunshine, but not so busy, probably because it was early. I went thru a speed trap, thank you cruise control, and waved at the handsome RCMP. I saw a black bear, on the shoulder of the road, as big as my car and about 10 feet away. that was a little unnerving.

I arrived in Abotsford, had lunch, Bought insurance, and then enjoyed a triple skinny latte while I did the liquor order for the store. I crossed the border just before noon. The guard clearly thought I was INSANE and asked me 3 times if I was visiting, meeting or seeing friends/family. I guess the thought of a single woman traveling to a city on her own with no agenda does seem a little suspicious. I should have told him I was meeting my new internet boyfriend, fresh out of jail for a romantic camping excursion.

I’ve been to Seattle a number of times. basketball, baseball, soccer, NFL, concerts, shopping. Many romantic and or fun trips and great memories with not just my Ex, but my parents and great friends. Honestly the entire trip was a little masochistic, and I did get melancholy. I did miss him. I cried a bit while driving, and BELTING out lyrics while listening to my random iPod at ear ringing decibels.

I shopped, first at lulu, then at tululip outlet mall. I bought a cool purse that converts into a bike bag, a new water bottle and a new pair of runners. All healthy choices, I have this love affair with crazy sexy high heels. If I had unlimited funds I would easily have a 300 pair shoe collection, in 4 inch candy colored sparkling and shining silhouettes. Wedges, spikes, rhinestones, polka dots, animal print… But I resisted adding to the impractical shoe collection.

I was getting into seattle center round about 5pm, and traffic was a stop and go mess. My hybrid car shutting off did make me feel slightly more environmentally savvy in the city. I veered off on an exit mostly because I didn’t want to fight the traffic to get in another lane. I had no specific designation, therefore could not be lost. Makes sense right? I ended up in freemont, an north west suburb of seattle, and somewhere I had been before, Cherise and I had taken the duck tour (crazy trucks that turn to boats) And I had collected shells on the beach just North of there (Belview) with my mom. It was a beautiful evening and the beach sounded like bliss after spending the day sitting.

20120513-194029.jpg20120513-194042.jpgI went to the golden something beach, I guess I could look it up, but anyways… Interesting mix of families, homeless people and mens beach volleyball players. I feel in love, deep meaningful complicated love, with a couple of the volleyball players, not the bums. Tall chiseled men, half naked with lean physiques and light, well trimmed beards. You know, my type. They could have been cousins with my ex. I tried not to be toooo creepy…

I enjoyed the sun, walked on the beach and dipped my toes in the ocean. I started to get hungry and abandoned this half naked man mecca for the prospect of mamas nachos.

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Mama’s is a place my Ex and I discovered on one of our early trips. Been there since 1978 it is a dive of a place. Posters are shellacked to the walls, none of the furniture matches, it is a hodgepodge of throwback elvis memorabilia, alternative art/theater, and hipster fuck culture. I LOVE it. The food is good, fast and plentiful. The margaritas are strong, and the people watching is intense. It is at 2nd and Bell if you ever make it down.

After gorging my20120513-194054.jpgself on nachos I just wanted to lay down. I still hadn’t decided on a hotel, so I drove around a bit. I was thinking staying in a different area then “usual” might be good for my psyche. I drove up by the university and down broadway. The rainbow section of town. I watched the sunset on lake union, but ended up back downtown. Stayed in a familiar hotel, thought I might go see avengers at the IMAX. Sadly it was sold out, so I had a bath and cozied into my king size bed stretched out like a starfish sideways. Hotels are one of my favorite things.

Because I suck at sleeping in I was up and showered, ready to go before 8am. I really wanted a shopping session at H&M but that was about it. I really have no need of more clothes, my storage unit is full of rubbermaid containers of clothes and shoes and purses, in addition to my jam packed closets. Going thru it all with reckless un-abandon is on my list of things to do. Maybe when I hit my goal weight? Or size 8?

I walked down to pike market where vendors were setting up, loving the people watching with my coffee in hand I killed a full hour. Then I walked up to H&M and tried on 40some items before sensibly narrowing it down to a few tanks, a sleeveless shirt and a cute spring dress.

My plan was to hit a soccer game and stay another night, but really…by myself…so I decided to start heading back and see where that took me. I plotted my drive home a different route than normal, so it was a circle tour.

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Now how did I come to the conclusion I am an asshole? Well, I was confusing self awareness and making myself a priority with selfishness. A terrible vice, Selfishness creates pain and anger, not a way I want to live my life. I am grateful for the friends and family I have, I really am fortunate, but keeping them requires a certain standard of behavior. I will put myself first, but I can strive for balance when it comes to time with loved ones. I had dissected and thought of this on the way down, so the drive home was a sun soaked carefree trip.

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I was free tomarvel at the spectacular view, cascade mountains still sprinkled with snow, Dense moss covered forests with the sun slinking thru the leaves leaving long shadows, Wide sage valleys dominated by the impressive Columbia River. Road side raspberries just bursting to bloom. Enormous rocks and boulders jutting out of rivers. A Lake so still it was like glass as far as the eye could see. I enjoyed a little jaunt thru a town where the town square was filled with laiderhosen (sp?) wearing locals and there was an overwhelming scent of sausage. None of the signs in this town were neon, or lit, just painted.

20120513-200647.jpgI listened to an audio book, “Drop20120513-200639.jpg dead healthy” By A.J.Jacobs. A funny book about one mans quest to be the healthiest man alive. Worth a read if you are a reader.

I arrived home around 7pm. Satisfied, relaxed and a little sunburnt. I feel renewed. To blog, to diet, to live, and maybe to date…

20120513-200701.jpgI mean…Check out these guns!  LOL!

 

 

 

 

 

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