for my “wife” who needed a good blogging…

I am wavering, and struggling. Do I feel like my sexiest self? No. Do I feel thin? Not overly. Have I attained my goal? No. 7 months to lose 50 pounds. It has been 6 months and I have lost 20. However… I am wearing clothes that I wore when I was 155 lbs. I have proof.

20120624-192059.jpgWhile I was skinny and sad, Cherise got married. (See picture of wedding day to left, happy day…)  I have a beautiful tailored bridesmaid dress. It has been sitting in a closet dry-cleaned and in a bag for the last 4 years. I pulled it out of the plastic and attempted to put it on, just to see where I was at. Because as most of you know, everyone suffers a little body dysmorphia, You are not always the best judge of how you look. But this dress… measured and ordered, then tailored again so it fit like a scarlet satin glove. I Pulled it on, shocked that it fit, hooked, zipped, and with no undergarments. I think It is still a little tighter than it was those years ago. But it also means the shape of my body is close, close to what it was but with 30 extra pounds added. Where are those 30 lbs? I remember feeling skinnier before…Usually I keep extra weight in my bra, but the dress fit…

20120624-192106.jpg20120624-192113.jpg

In the same dress, yesterday

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I was working for that shape, why do I need to be lighter? Do I? Will I feel better? Does the earths’ gravitational pull on my body, and the ensuing number on the scale really matter? Will I ever be satisfied with my body? I will always have big boobs, and an ass. Will the compulsion I have to work out all day sundays ever pass? When? When I have a six pack? Or when I can do inversion pushups? Really, those feats are just party tricks. I have other party tricks…

I haven’t seen a nutritionist. I haven’t made or achieved any fitness goals. But I do feel measures better. I see beauty, I love being outdoors, and off my half-a-couch, I have regained my positive attitude. I am slowly getting my swagger back. I don’t know that I’ll ever get back the brash confidence of my youth. But I am aware of my ability to smolder, and sometimes I do feel sexy again. (especially when I slide on an old faithful pair of jeans or dress). I am not one to give up. I have 1 more month until I reach my 7 month milestone. It wouldn’t be healthy to lose 30 lbs in 1 month. But is the 50 lbs the most important thing? Will I feel like a failure without those numbers staring back a me? Do I keep going until I reach “the number”? Do I arbitrarily invent a new goal and time line? (That’s what happened last time) What is going to happen to my blog? Will I stop? I know I’ve slowed down considerably since starting, but isn’t the blogging part of a maintenance program? What will I write about? Adventures in dating? The humdrum of everyday life? Weekly weigh-ins probably aren’t in the cards either. Not if I want to be balanced, which I do.

There are a mess of questions in these paragraphs… and not many answers…unfortunately none of you can answer these questions for me. I will be working on answering them for the next month. I am open to suggestions…

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “for my “wife” who needed a good blogging…

  1. Linda says:

    Holley, you are beautiful regardless of what that scale (or anything/anyone else) says. You have become more beautiful in the past months, but that is because you found yourself again and the more you come out, the more you shine. You will set new goals and find new motivation, because without a challenge you never really know how strong you truly are. I am inspired by your words and your journey, so I do hope you continue to blog – whatever the subject!

  2. Vanessa says:

    I agree with the above statement. I think your inner beauty and zest for life has really started to shine lately, and that’s not because of what the scale says, i think it’s because you have regained faith and love for yourself. I believe the balance is lost when we start to base our entire self worth on external achievements. The number on the scale shouldn’t be what makes your feel good or bad…you should know your worthy and therefore able to achieve whatever you like…if that makes sense. Me telling you how fabulous you are and how beautiful you are won’t make you believe it (even though it’s true). you are the only one who can control how you feel about yourself…even that damn gravitational pull can’t change that. I’m very very proud of where you are right now, with your weight loss, yes but mostly with your outlook on life, your attitude, your willingness to try new things… I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you truely enjoying life again.
    Love you so much

  3. Vanessa says:

    And obviously I like a good blogging too, so if you continue to write i will continue to read. Whatever i can do to support you.

  4. NolaM says:

    You have such awesome friends.
    As to where the extra scale digits went?
    Hormones play a huge part in what goes where.
    I think you are all around healthier now than you have ever been.
    Work, play, food, rest in a healthy balance.
    Add fun, friends, family and …maybe a few other F words…
    Um…Frolic… what were YOU thinking? LOL
    Does life get any better?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: