I was attacked by some sort of insect in my sleep night before last. I have a huge welt on my neck and a matching although slightly smaller one on my collar bone. I took a benadryl before bed last night. I slept really well, but it was yet another morning I didn’t want to get out of bed. I have stayed in bed only 8 hours each of the last 2 nights. Yay me. Last night I left work early to hit the ballet sculpt class, then fit in a brisk 5k walk in the rain before it got too dark. I have a date to visit with my parents saturday.
Honestly I feel foolish about being so twisted up in MrNRN, and I’m sure you all are sick of hearing about it. I think 10 years, and 50 lbs, I am not feeling as confident as I used to be, rejection is hard… even when you know you are awesome… (and now those 50 lbs are almost all gone, 8.8 left to lose!)
I was going to measure and weigh, but feeling groggy, and packing breakfast/snack for work, I only had time to weigh. 168.8 yep .8 again. Maybe it’s my scale? That is a solid 3 lb loss. Not that I should in any way be proud of losing because of self pity and not taking care of myself. I dug out the clothes from my original shot, I’ll take a picture here at work and post it. Or perhaps later tonight when I’m cleaning my house… it’s a mess…
I spent most of the morning crying. I soaked up a dozen kleenex while trying to get stuff done at work. My poor ex… I managed to coincide my meltdown with him texting me, and he was a good sport consoling me thru it. He really did, and I’m sure in some facet still does love me.
I’m having a pity party. I should be grateful for the following:
1. I have a long list of people who love me (and am skilled at alliteration)
2. I have a job, and the working conditions generally are good
3. I have a home, and enough food, heat, water etc.
4. I am healthy, not battling some sickness or ailment
5. I have a body very close to the same as I had in high school, likely even better
6. I have most of my own teeth, there is just that one fake one
7. I am intelligent, compassionate and thoughtful
8. I am reasonably attractive and personable
9. I have minimal stresses and I really only NEED to worry about myself
10. The sun is shining and I can sit here at starbucks and blog.
However… I couldn’t remember any of those things long enough to stop crying today.
As you can see by my lack of blogging MrNRN came thru, his car broke down, but he was determined not to stand me up again… He came over and we had a WONDERFUL time. I really like him, but this isn’t good for me. When I’m with him, I am completely wrapped up in him… But I need to let him go, the timing isn’t right, and it’s a shame. He can’t and I can’t live in between waiting.
Thank you Libs for the phone call, 58 min on the phone was fantastic, and just what I needed, how on earth did you know to call?? ❤
OK, so before the date Wednesday I fit in a run, was decent, Thursday I stacked Beer, but was really pretty useless at work, Drifting on a cloud. Thursday night I had a date, nice guy, I’ll get to him…
Friday I had a pirate party to go to, fun time, and got me and my girl T out and meeting new people. At the pirate party I picked up an hour gig for saturday night Pouring wine and playing a character in a french maid outfit. I have one from when I worked in the nightclub, and it was an easy $70. Feels good to fit into those old clothes, and to even have a little extra room…
Saturday I stayed in bed till 12:30! It was the start of my pity party… I got out of bed because I had a date, a delightful man, I’ll get to him soon. We went out to Naramata for a paddle board and then a late lunch at Hillside. It was a windy day, so balancing and paddling was more work than the last few times I have gone. My arms were a little sore. I only had time to get home and shower before heading out to the winery for my “acting” gig.
Sunday was ironman, the last one for pentiction, and I had never been. I got up early and walked down to the lakeshore, I watched the start of the race, and milled around amongst the swells of people. It’s pretty impressive, all the athletes, and volunteers, family, fans, supporters. Really cool atmosphere. I stuck around and watched the swim-bike transition, I love triceps, and bike nerds, and even those sperm shaped racing helmets. I was inspired… I want to do a triathlete. Not a triathlon…that shit is crazy, but one of those guys… yes please! LOL! I was just chatting with Libs about my love of bike nerds and she suggested I post a flyer at the bike shops, I bet I could get a date out of it, but do I post a picture of me? Or my bike… Or my bike with a list of mods I’d like to make to it?
I have been too busy feeling sorry for myself to eat, I’ve been spending most of my time in bed. This needs to stop. Not eating doesn’t make anything easier to deal with, in fact, makes you CRAZY. No one will treat you any better than you treat yourself. I need to treat myself better. Let go of MrNRN, you can’t force a flower to bloom. Get between 7-10 hours of sleep per night, no more, no less. Buy groceries, and then EAT them. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Go visit my parents. Leave work early (I had a girl quit with no notice so my schedule is a little intense until I can get someone trained…) Get 60-90 minutes of exercise everyday. Cut myself some slack, It’s been a full year of intense emotions, and continuous change. Catch up on the dates I’ve been on for my blog. Post a current picture, it’s a month past due! I have a plan… I feel better already…
Ok, so all this week, getting out of bed is a chore… Anyone else feeling this way? I think I just need a vacation… or something… I need something. I have a date lined up for tonight, MrNRN. WHY do I give him so many chances? LOL! We will see… I may end up with more time to blog… I have 6 more dates to catch up on, then I can post them in real time. I weighed this morning, and despite suffering what my mom affectionately calls “hell week” posted a loss. 1.8. Yaya! So 171.8. Time to be productive at work. HAPPPYYYY HUMP DAY (fake it till you make it!)
I put a profile on POF, and like I had mentioned, My phone BLEW UP. It was dinging and buzzing all hours of the day and night. I took the app off my phone, and decided to segregate my online dating to a real computer. I didn’t realize at first that POF had rules you could set, like age limits, and things like if they had contacted another user for casual encounters, smokers, etc. You can imagine the AMAZING offers I received the first few days… I took my picture down.
I corresponded a bit with a guy in Kelowna, seemed like a nice enough guy, we texted, he sent me some pictures, he seemed like he was more interested in a hook-up and I was continually steering the convo away from making out. I met him for a daytime date, stopped by his house on my way to my parents. Well, this tall muscular man had amazing teeth, and arms. Totally do-able. However… when I asked him about his ex- the mother of his son, he had nothing good to say. Eeeeeee… he was a junior hockey player, and a volunteer fire fighter. DANGER! I asked this georgeous but slightly vapid man if he had met anyone on POF, his reply… “mostly sluts and crazies” Well… no shit! I could have seen him again… if he promised not to talk…
My first date on POF was a train wreck. This guy had to go home and change before our date, he was from osoyoos, so we were meeting in oliver, late, 9 pm. I wore a cute wrap dress and heels, I like to feel pretty. He showed up in sneakers and work out clothes. Now don’t get me wrong, I think the outside of a person is the candy coating, it’s the inside that counts, but it left me wondering… what was he wearing before??? LOL!
Turns out the place we were meeting was closed, so he offered a walk. I was thinking to myself, ummmm… No! Dark pathway with a stranger, a stranger who on his profile said he was 42… kind of the top end of my age range to start with… but he was actually 44, and looked 60!
We walked over to a park bench that was situated on the corner of a major intersection. I Towered over this old man in my heels, he was not much taller than 5 feet. And seriously… 44? My dad looks better, and he has 10ish 😉 (your age is safe dad!) years on him!
Now… I am not so shallow that this guy had to have to stature of a greek god, and if he was funny, or a delightful conversationalist I could overlook the fact that he looked like he had just finished a run. But this guy kept talking about nights he had in bars with his friends (haha…when singles were 10 cents each and you could spit on the floor because it was dirt), and as I tried to steer the conversation towards family, jobs, interests, he dove into a story about how this girl he met on POF wouldn’t have sex with him, but offered a BJ on the beach. Awesome…
He also kept touching me…on the leg, on the arm. I actually turned to him and requested that he respect my personal space and stop touching me. It may have been the longest 35 min of my life. Thank goodness MrNRN texted me and I used his text as an excuse to make a fast exit. I did learn something though… set your rules on POF, and spend more time e-mailing!
My second first date… The only other guy I met on and went out with on match.com (I have cancelled my service after having zero e-mails for weeks and now all of a sudden I’m getting e-mails and winks like crazy… suspect, but good marketing match!)
We went to a local pub, I had cancelled on this boy the week before my date with Mr.NRN, and spent the night eating cupcakes, then overcome with the guilt of eating buttercream cupcakes, went for a run, and spent the rest of my night texting MrNRN. I owed this boy at least a beer. Nice guy, Attractive, and had posted a current picture… this becomes an issue…
We spent a couple hours on the patio, chatting, I call him the vacuum because I would throw out conversation topics, or ask questions, like peanuts on a floor, and he would come along and suck them up. And we would be left with an awkward silence, until I threw out another “peanut” which he would “suck up” again there we were looking at each other, in silence.
As we were leaving he did apologize for being boring, he explained he was really shy…
Ok, I had plans tonight. Some serious plans, the kind you look forward to… Date type plans. I had a sinking suspicion that he was going to cancel. He does this. He is a boy I’ve been on a few dates with, and I’ve mentioned him before, he’s the one who lost his cell phone, that I met on match… I’m going to call him “Mr Not right now” He tells me how wonderful I am, I’m sexy, attractive, smart, sweet, blah blah blah, but I get to see him maybe once a month despite living in the same town. His life has dissolved over the last couple months, and he’s working on getting his shit together, unfortunately I fell hard and fast for him. And well honestly he’s been “cock blocking” my subsequent dates. Something that really needs to stop…
I told Cherise today, I figured he would cancel, and if that happened I would spend my evening blogging. Sure enough, I got a mournful and full of sad faces text about an hour later. He says all the right things… but seriously who gives up a night of hot tubbing and beer with a girl, (this girl) for a work function? Well, you have him to thank for the blog time!
My first date was amazing. It was my first date since the break up, and really in 10 years. I was super nervous as I really liked this boy and hoped he was as awesome in real life as via text. We texted for 3 hours before the date, and now I’m thinking of it, he almost cancelled on me… lol! We went for appies, and spent 4 hours in the restaurant chatting, never an awkward moment, we hit it off. He walked me to my car, and we kissed! It was my first (and last) first date kiss. 10 minutes later, he texted me to see when he could see me again, and we spent the next 3 hours texting. A marathon of a first date, and spectacular in so many ways. I was just setting myself up for failure… I did get a little freaked out, I mean after 10 years in a relationship, I go on ONE date and that’s it? Really? Obviously not…
I’m at work… I have lists and lists of things that need to be done. But… I’m lonely. And feeling listless. Don’t really want to do any of it. I wish I could be sprawled out on a patio table catching up on blog posts. But, I’m not. Just wanted you all to know I’m thinking of you, and writing… Maybe tonight, after my dentist appointment. Happy Monday