Major meltdown

I spent most of the morning crying.  I soaked up a dozen kleenex while trying to get stuff done at work.  My poor ex…  I managed to coincide my meltdown with him texting me, and he was a good sport consoling me thru it.  He really did, and I’m sure in some facet still does love me.

I’m having a pity party.  I should be grateful for the following:

1.  I have a long list of people who love me (and am skilled at alliteration)

2. I have a job, and the working conditions generally are good

3. I have a home, and enough food, heat, water etc.

4. I am healthy, not battling some sickness or ailment

5. I have a body very close to the same as I had in high school, likely even better

6. I have most of my own teeth, there is just that one fake one

7. I am intelligent, compassionate and thoughtful

8. I am reasonably attractive and personable

9. I have minimal stresses and I really only NEED to worry about myself

10. The sun is shining and I can sit here at starbucks and blog.

However… I couldn’t remember any of those things long enough to stop crying today.

As you can see by my lack of blogging MrNRN came thru, his car broke down, but he was determined not to stand me up again… He came over and we had a WONDERFUL time.  I really like him, but this isn’t good for me.  When I’m with him, I am completely wrapped up in him… But I need to let him go, the timing isn’t right, and it’s a shame.  He can’t and I can’t live in between waiting.

Thank you Libs for the phone call, 58 min on the phone was fantastic, and just what I needed, how on earth did you know to call?? ❤

OK, so before the date Wednesday I fit in a run, was decent, Thursday I stacked Beer, but was really pretty useless at work, Drifting on a cloud.  Thursday night I had a date, nice guy, I’ll get to him…

Friday I had a pirate party to go to, fun time, and got me and my girl T out and meeting new people.  At the pirate party I picked up an hour gig for saturday night Pouring wine and playing a character in a french maid outfit.  I have one from when I worked in the nightclub, and it was an easy $70.  Feels good to fit into those old clothes, and to even have a little extra room…

Saturday I stayed in bed till 12:30!  It was the start of my pity party… I got out of bed because I had a date, a delightful man, I’ll get to him soon.  We went out to Naramata for a paddle board and then a late lunch at Hillside.  It was a windy day, so balancing and paddling was more work than the last few times I have gone.  My arms were a little sore.  I only had time to get home and shower before heading out to the winery for my “acting” gig.

Sunday was ironman, the last one for pentiction, and I had never been.  I got up early and walked down to the lakeshore, I watched the start of the race, and milled around amongst the swells of people.  It’s pretty impressive, all the athletes, and volunteers, family, fans, supporters.  Really cool atmosphere. I stuck around and watched the swim-bike transition, I love triceps, and bike nerds, and even those sperm shaped racing helmets.  I was inspired… I want to do a triathlete.  Not a triathlon…that shit is crazy, but one of those guys… yes please!  LOL!  I was just chatting with Libs about my love of bike nerds and she suggested I post a flyer at the bike shops, I bet I could get a date out of it, but do I post a picture of me?  Or my bike… Or my bike with a list of mods I’d like to make to it?

I have been too busy feeling sorry for myself to eat, I’ve been spending most of my time in bed.  This needs to stop.  Not eating doesn’t make anything easier to deal with, in fact, makes you CRAZY.  No one will treat you any better than you treat yourself.  I need to treat myself better.  Let go of MrNRN, you can’t force a flower to bloom.  Get between 7-10 hours of sleep per night, no more, no less.  Buy groceries, and then EAT them. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  Go visit my parents.  Leave work early (I had a girl quit with no notice so my schedule is a little intense until I can get someone trained…) Get 60-90 minutes of exercise everyday. Cut myself some slack, It’s been a full year of intense emotions, and continuous change.  Catch up on the dates I’ve been on for my blog. Post a current picture, it’s a month past due!  I have a plan… I feel better already…

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4 thoughts on “Major meltdown

  1. NolaM says:

    Your parents understand that you have a fabulous busy life you know… ;-@
    I dunno… those Ironmen are pretty boney azzed zero fat, no love handle guys,
    Put a bunch of Hockey pads in a ball net and sleep with it… about the same I’m thinkin’
    Don’t forget to add that you are a great cook… those sporty guys are eating machines.
    I do so admire your ability to insert logic into your life…re MrNRN.
    Nobody I have ever met loves as HARD as you do. As generously, as kindly. As Compassionate and passionate.
    With that firehose of love on tap, it’s important that you figure out if your partner is strong enough to handle it.
    You have already found that turning it up full blast and supporting someone else doesn’t work long term.
    You need to find an equally strong hoser. The world is a huge place, he is out there looking too.

    One thing I do know…that as a 90 year old lady, you will be able to look back on an amazing life filled with love.

    • holleyrocks says:

      Oh mom! I do not have a fabulous life… I’m lonely! I take comfort in thought that our timing may not be right and he will come around… I am sitting here crying, again…I love you, and thank you! 😘

  2. NolaM says:

    Well… I helped a close friend bury some ashes yesterday…after 56 years of sleeping beside someone, I cannot imagine her loneliness. It is all relative and it still all sucks. However… as you pointed out above, You do have love and companionship, just not the Romantic kind… yet. I have been an observer in your life a long time. You MAKE things happen and are open to your possibilities. Mr NEXT WEEK could be the one. Or next month, or next year… will it matter 60 or 61 years together when you are writing out his obit? No… Love is not a time thing, it’s a feeling sharing giving thing. So until you get Romantic love in your life, you get to fill that hole with the other kinds of love.
    It doesn’t fit very well some days…often it is a bigger hammer situation.. but it doesn’t have to be pretty to work does it?

  3. Vanessa says:

    your mom is a smart lady 🙂 i love you.

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