Monthly Archives: September 2012

oh…we got a grunter…

I am blogging on my yoga workshop lunch, just holding my arms at table height to type on this loaner computer (thank you thank you thank you!) is a challenge.  The gym is a blog rich place…

 

Last Week Karma & I were in the back room at the gym.  There are a couple days we don’t need any of the machines.  Sometimes it’s busy in there, and we have to wiggle in a spot.  This particular day we were the only two in there.  We do these “Supermario Jumps”  lunge-leg lift, jump.  They have a real name, but I remember them this way.

We are nearly done our set of 6X20 when a guy comes in and starts doing abs.  Earphones in, he’s grunting.  Good he’s working hard, but then he starts coughing, and hocks up what must have been a monster wad of phlegm.  Like a mouth filling oyster.  I’m trying to keep count of the supermario jumps, keep my balance and not vomit in my mouth.  And not look over at K because I will start to laugh…  This guy works up this supernova size snot ball…and then swallows it.  Oh good god.  Just because your headphones are in doesn’t mean no one can hear you!

Just a couple days ago, we were back in the room, all alone, her and I set up in front of the mirrors.  We are on the floor doing weighted lower ab lifts and dudeski comes into the room to do a little bicep work.  He started grunting.  Karma gets out between counts, “oh, we got a grunter”  I start to giggle a little.  I am trying to hold it together, but I can’t look over at dudeski grunting, spiting and making faces at himself in the mirror, I will lose it… not that it matters, because just then he lets out a mid grunt/exhale “fu*K yeahhhh”  It sounds like a porn movie soundtrack, just feet away.  I lose my shit, no more ab rolling I am straight up laying on the floor LAUGHING.  Grunt-eroni (the gym time treat)  can probably hear my laughing thru his pounding electronic music.  Karma points out I’m an asshole, because now she has lost count.  I am tearing up, and failing at trying to pull myself together, still laying on the floor not even giggling, but gasping for air between deep belly laughs.

He did leave shortly after that, but came back with reinforcements.  Him and another guy came back into the room.  Now don’t get me wrong these two muscle bound beauties are dedicated gym goers, and I’m sure very nice people, or something… But it was a situation where you think to look around for a hidden camera, because no way this shit just HAPPENS in real life.

New guy is chatting with dudeski, and starts gearing down.  Stripping off his clothes.  without any music?  I am facing the mirror, trying not to stare at him, or make eye contact with Karma, because I will have to lay down to laugh if this happens.  I looked out the window at the bushes but Karma said he geared down to his underwear and hiked it up so you could see all his bits n pieces thinly veiled by the cotton of his boxer-briefs.  Moose knuckle is what she called it… Then new guy was posing, and flexing while dudeski was taking pictures.  Oh, and checking himself out in the mirror behind us.  I couldn’t look, I would have lost it.  I guess the deal is New guy was sending pictures to his trainer for some competition, I thought it was a little over the top for a POF profile picture…I haven’t had a chance to go look, $10 bucks says I find it on there…

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My MacBook Air doesn’t bounce…

I have SO much to blog. But I dropped my computer… And now it’s being uncooperative. I may have to resort to writing on my cell phone… I haven’t forgotten about you… Just experiencing technical difficulties…

5004 reads on my blog, including MrNRN…

First off, thank you.  Thank you everyone who has taken time out of their day to check on what I have been doing.  As of today I have had 5004 hits.  That means more than 5000 times one of you has thought to yourself, What is Holley up to?  That’s pretty mind blowing.  It’s a whole lot more love than I ever could have imagined. Of course I realize there were accidental clicks, and some of it is just people bored at work, but still…

Early last week I was thinking about MrNRN.  I wanted to post about him.  I wanted to explain to all of you, my few weeks of distress were entirely self imposed.  He is not a villain, although his pre date text timing is like a superhero 6th sense.  He, in fact, was completely up front and honest with me,  I was being a bad listener.  I was convinced we could be friends, well… I was trying to be convinced we could be friends, but just like when I call in sick at work, I know I’m lying.

Unfortunately… I didn’t get it written.  I got a text from him, wednesday last week.  He wrote, “did I read that right?  You are on a 3rd date?”   And a little while later a sweet message telling me he was happy for me. And to always wear my seatbelt.  MrNRN reads my mutherf**king blog.  In fact… he may even read this…  Heyyyy….

OK.  This is distressing for a few reasons.  One, I am completely candid here.  Bare naked emotion.  Two, there are some extremely unflattering pictures posted.  Three, the writing has helped me process and evaluate what I think and feel, but what I have put down on “paper” isn’t always where I end up.  Four, I REALLY liked him,  or at least the idea of what he could be.  Five, It made me feel like a silly girl.  Six, I wanted to have a conversation with him, about what I thought and felt, but instead he read it via text message and blog post.  That’s shitty and cowardice, not at all me, I am brave and bold dammit.  I guess not this time.

So here it is.  When a man tells you that you are wonderful, but he does not want to date you, or make time for you, or is dating someone else.  Listen to what he is saying.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.  Don’t make something that isn’t about you, about you. It’s really not fun.

MrNRN was just another thing in a shit storm of suck for a few weeks, (I was a negative  mutherf-er, and easier to focus on something external than internal!).  I romanticized the idea of what he COULD be.  He really is a perfect mix of all the things I like about all of my favorite men.  However…I barely know him.  6 ish dates (but I only counted him as one), I might have liked him less as I got to know him… or I could have liked him more.  We won’t know. Not now… maybe not ever?  Maybe our paths will cross again and the timing will be better?  Maybe he will become a werwolf and imprint on my daughter like in twilight.  Yeah I read those books.

I am impressed he did take the time to read I guess…  That’s my silver lining?

I have a bunch of bullshit inspirational messages all over my apartment.  But the two I hold dearest,  “Everything will be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end”  and from Harold and Kumar go to white castle, (yeah that’s right) “You just have to have faith that the universe will unfold exactly as it should”.

 

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Is that your best angle?

I should be working… I have an order to do… but I’d rather spend my time here with you.  Still not ready to address why I am a mess, but I will…

Dating is all about representation.  I was going to say online dating, but I think all of it.  Regardless of how you meet someone, and even the type of relationship ,the same applies to friendships and work bonds.  Some people have elaborate presentations, fake pictures, rehearsed scripts.  Some have lots of make-up, flashy clothes or cars.  If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull shit.  The entire process is like panning for gold, you find a spot, and start sifting through the dirt, the sieve getting smaller and smaller.  You get excited when you see a little sparkle, wash it off, hold it close, and then take it in to find out it’s just fools gold.  The odd time you luck out, and get the real ore… but it takes a lot of looking.  I have a metal allergy… I can ONLY wear gold.  (really this is true)  So I have a task ahead of me, even silver gives me a rash.  I am looking for gold.

But… you have to sift through a whole pile of dirt.  I was telling Candace, there must be something about the look in my eye… or the shape of my face, something about me says, “send this girl pictures of your junk.” She suggested it had NOTHING to do with my face.

This phenomenon is not a new development.  I am sure I’m not the only one this happens to?  Single ladies, get pictures of mens business?  Guys, does this move work?  Send a girl an erotic picture and she’s your forever?

I was 20 when I got my first penis picture.  The internet was still relatively new, and digital cameras had not yet caught on.  This guy, who was just friends (obviously not a good judge of interest, even then), worked himself up, and scanned in his junk, plopped it right on the cold glass of a scanner and e-mailed me the resulting picture.  Along with a cute note explaining the glass was cold… sure… sure…  I had my MOM help me scan my boobs and send him a picture back.  Ever seen boobs squished on glass?  Looked like albino eggs,not flattering, but funny as hell.  (Thanks for being such a good sport mom, I believe the e-mail was sent to her e-mail account too, because I never checked mine).

If I had kept all the penis pictures over the years, I could have quite an impressive picture book.  Via e-mail, and now text.  Of course I do not keep them.  The last thing I need is a phone full of cock.  Well… maybe not the last thing I need…

The first person who contacted me on Match, (who I never did meet up with, safety first) was text messaging me one monday afternoon.  We chatted a bit, and he sent a couple pictures, his dog, a face/bare chest shot, and then his junk in some dirty old boxer briefs.  Really???  I started to LAUGH.  I’m not a novice at getting these pictures, but I was a little shocked, so once I blotted the tears from laughing from my eyes I asked him if it was a real time monday afternoon picture.  He said it was from a couple nights before, so I asked “you just keep those pictures on your phone to spring on girls???”  We hadn’t even met in real life.  And honestly, it didn’t look from the picture like that was his best feature.  If you have a monster in your shorts… heck yes, give a girl a heads up, so she can mentally prepare…do some stretches… but this… not really in need of a warning.

I was thinking of this because the other night I had a midnight text… you guessed it…short, (hahaha) simple, picture message.   Nothing like opening one eye to look at your phone, and having a “one eye” looking back at you.

How I spent my afternoon yesterday

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20120921-173830.jpgMy post hike view

View from my push up station

20120921-173849.jpgMy stair climber

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Post KVR run, Stereo pounding drive, Skaha hike, and then a little quiet time trying to sort my thoughts enjoying the warm, long shadowed late afternoon sun.  Pretty good day to myself, add to it, a blog in the sun, and the loving calls and texts from some of my favorite people… ❤

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Hump day reporting this week was lacking.

I am a mess.   A mess.  My Dad and his infinite wisdom just spent 45 min on the phone with me helping to cut through the bullshit I’ve been piling up on myself.  I really have the most amazing people around me.  I am thankful everyday for my parents especially.  (thanks guys, love you)

Ok, driving home from the gym monday I had to slouch real low in my seat, you could barely see my head out the window.  G-riding in style.  But it wasn’t about style, it was because pushing in the clutch I had to flat foot it.  6 sets of 20 calf raises.  Tuesday I experienced the joy of spontaneous calf cramps.  I must be some kind of masochist, I LOVE that feeling.  Tuesday was chest, and a pile of push ups.  These boobs are heavy…  So are boxes of liquor, I broke down 3 pallets of product wednesday, roughly 60 boxes per pallet, after 12 sets 20 pushups.  There was some swearing and breath holding for sure.  I am really enjoying the gym, who knew….?  I really enjoy K’s company.  There’s a whole lotta fist pumping, face making, and laughing.  I was at work late on wednesday, and ran out of daylight, so I went to the gym for a 30 min run.  I still would rather hoof it outside, but it works ok.  Two things though… the guy on the treadmill beside me kept looking at me, I felt a little self conscious, fortunately headphones in is a deterrent for people trying to engage.  Maybe I had a big booger hanging out of my nose?  I was wearing 2 sports bras, nearly impossible for a nipple slip… The other thing is, when a kick ass song comes on the iPod, on the trail I can take a little pause and break it down with my bad self.  I owned a treadmill. (Libs has it now, I don’t have room)  I can run and take off my clothes, I can drink from my water bottle, I used to read or watch movies on it (I also had to dust it on occasion… not really used to it’s potential).  I could treadmill dance, or F all those strangers at the gym, I should just dance it out.  Watch for me on youtube.

Weighed with my clothes on wednesday, but I’d bet my lulu’s aren’t really heavy, posted a 2 lb loss for team tight pants, yippee!  They are gearing up for a “get sexy for santa” program, and there are some amazing deals right now if anyone wants to join.  I must say my Vi experience has been bar none supportive and inspiring!  I am a collector of incredible people, Brooke & Micah are life changers!

Left work early yesterday to go to a wine show in Kelowna.  A beautiful sunny afternoon, It was a chance for me to wear a dress and heels, and show off my back again body.  I even put on a little eyeliner.  Afterwards I went to visit the ex.  I made him buy me dinner, we tried out this cool vegetarian asian restaurant by his house.  What is the mystery stuff?  It looks like meat… but it’s not… he suggested we should stop thinking about it, we probably didn’t want to know.  Dinner was good, I mean, it was no white spot….hahahaha!  We caught up, and watched last seasons last couple episodes of true blood.  We were chatting about me going to the gym, and why such a gym hater turned coat, I asked him how he does it, he’s not working right now, so he spends all day alone, and lives alone, his response…”I’m awesome.”  Hahaha!  Some people are Ok being alone, I am not one of them, he is.   My ex is really hot.  Tall, dark, handsome, dimples, athletic, clean, funny… any single ladies interested?  But… he is a little selfish, emotionally unavailable, and currently under employed…His mother is amazing… best mother in law ever…What am I doing, he doesn’t need a girlfriend.  He’s awesome.

Ok, so work is ok, gym is good, the sun is shining, posted a loss, why the mess?

Well… a few things… I’ll post on them soon… (that’s right, cliff hanger….bahahahaha!)

Nice guys need to learn how to escape from a moving vehicle.

I’m going to call my Saturday afternoon date Brave. This guy, knew about, had read my blog and was still willing to go on a date. I have known Brave for a long time. We went to high school together. There may have been a little high school flirting back in the day. He and I used to shoot hoops, there was lots of trash talking, but I think I recall winning most of the time… It was soooo long ago… who really remembers?? (I do… I won…)

As Brave was a little apprehensive about what I may write. I did tell him he could read the post before I published it.

I had seen B out and about right after my ex had moved out, his GF had just left too. We exchanged numbers, and a few texts, but shortly after that I moved to Penticton, and really was in no shape to even consider dating. I just cried. No one likes that girl.

A few weeks ago I had a notification that someone wanted to “meet me.” I checked out the profile, and it was him! I laughed to myself because he could have just called! His profile is fantastic, funny, makes me want to work on mine. I started posting my blog on facebook, he read the links, sent me a sweet and supportive text. I knew I was headed to Vernon so I suggested we meet up for a drink. Somehow I convinced him to meet me on a “date” (40 dates is a lot… I’ll take ‘em where I can!)

Late afternoon, on the lake, in the sunshine, Chilling in a pub in the old neighborhood, we had a great time. A couple Millers, and some Nachos we covered lots of good “first date” chatter. Then we started in on the POF stories, and the crazy girl stories. Because Brave had already read the highlights of my adventures, I was completely entertained by his! The highlight I think was the story he told me about a girl he was seeing… a bunch of drama ensued and long story short he actually had to maneuver an escape from a MOVING vehicle. My abs were sore from “operation get super hotter”, but I was laughing sooooo hard. He had a few other good stories too. All in all really comforting to know the dating tragedies are out there for guys and girls.

So ladies… I can attest, this guy, smart, employed, funny, good with and loves kids, single attractive and available… who wants the hook up?

Waiting on the OK

I wrote my saturday date, just waiting on his approval as this Brave man knew about and has read the blog.

I’m rubbing my sore tight muscles with this crazy asian topical pain reliever.  I am sore… that means it’s working… right?  Must… be… super…hotter…

I have been amazed by the traffic to my blog, and surprised by who is reading (shocked even… reading my mutherf**ing blog).   I appreciate everyone who takes the time out of their day to read, it is a bare honest me, really scary to post sometimes.

I’m thinking while I rub myself down with this tingling goodness.  I want to finish the 40 dates I set out to do.   I think that everything unfolds as it should…  So maybe I should limit to 2 dates per guy, I don’t want to be a heartbreaker… or a man eater.  Well, maybe I do, but I don’t want everyone to know about it. 🙂

 

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Lucky #13 gets a 3rd date. He really IS lucky…

I am not athletic. I don’t think I ever have been. When I was a kid my mom put me in gymnastics. Really because I had difficulties walking and breathing simultaneously. I was insanely clumsy. I didn’t play sports in school. I was too busy bossing people around. Student counsel, and party planning. I started working early, spent a fair amount of time doing that. I needed to make money, to buy a car, to be able to drive to all the parties I wanted to make an appearance at. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s that I started biking, hiking, playing any sports, and it was mostly thanks to the fact I was living with “Sporty Spice.” I appreciate that is something positive that I have taken from the relationship.

Lucky #13 wanted to surprise me with our date on friday. I am usually the one organizing and planning, so I was excited at the thought of being completely in the passenger seat. Refreshing, and showed confidence on his part. Unfortunately the seasonality of penticton ruined his original plans, He asked if we could go to kelowna. I know it is contrary to my rules, but I requested his Last name and drivers license number, which I phoned into Cherise. I also told my friend K to stick by his phone because if anything went awry I would be calling him to come get me. Maybe a little paranoid… I also packed the dog spray from my running bag.

He came to pick me up in his beautiful, sporty car. I am a bit of a tire biter. I like cars. I also have a thing for big stereos, but I’m an audiophile. Loud, yes please, and bass so deep it makes your chest hurt, but I want a crisp, clean sound. ugh… Not really a deal breaker… He drove his car like it was stolen… revved it hard, wound it out. Ok… drove a little recklessly, but he may have been trying to impress. It is a really nice car. Did I mention I put a dent in it? Yeah, that’s been covered…

We went to a real grass mini putt in West Kelowna. I always start strong… and go to shit. We chatted, and he killed me, even got a hole in one! But it was fun. He has a goofy easy charm about him.

From there we tore across town to Scandia. Hit up the batting cages. Lucky #13 loves the batting cages. Usually I have to be pretty drunk to play baseball. And again not athletic, but I made that dirty batting helmet look good. Afterwards we played some video games, air and bubble hockey, he beat me in EVERYTHING, well… almost, I beat him in skeeball, the basketball shoot, and dance dance revolution. My ex played 70 some rounds of golf a year… that affords a girl some time to play DDR.

By this time it was getting late, I was starving, so was he. He suggested McDonalds. Or… White spot. Now… at first I thought he was joking… or this was a test. I’m not against fast food. I love McDonalds cheeseburgers when I am hungover. But… operation get super hotter, team tight pants, and so many other reasons I haven’t had fast food in MONTHS. I decide White spot is closer to real food, and that’s where we have dinner. Heck yes, surprise itinerary 3rd date, dinner at the grease spot.

He drove recklessly home, and we held hands. He is really sweet, and to steal FU in FUNs’ line, He’s really into me… I like that about him.

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The blog will have to wait… I have a date!

Just about to write about last nights evening with Lucky #13, But have a last min date instead… I know I like this one…