5004 reads on my blog, including MrNRN…

First off, thank you.  Thank you everyone who has taken time out of their day to check on what I have been doing.  As of today I have had 5004 hits.  That means more than 5000 times one of you has thought to yourself, What is Holley up to?  That’s pretty mind blowing.  It’s a whole lot more love than I ever could have imagined. Of course I realize there were accidental clicks, and some of it is just people bored at work, but still…

Early last week I was thinking about MrNRN.  I wanted to post about him.  I wanted to explain to all of you, my few weeks of distress were entirely self imposed.  He is not a villain, although his pre date text timing is like a superhero 6th sense.  He, in fact, was completely up front and honest with me,  I was being a bad listener.  I was convinced we could be friends, well… I was trying to be convinced we could be friends, but just like when I call in sick at work, I know I’m lying.

Unfortunately… I didn’t get it written.  I got a text from him, wednesday last week.  He wrote, “did I read that right?  You are on a 3rd date?”   And a little while later a sweet message telling me he was happy for me. And to always wear my seatbelt.  MrNRN reads my mutherf**king blog.  In fact… he may even read this…  Heyyyy….

OK.  This is distressing for a few reasons.  One, I am completely candid here.  Bare naked emotion.  Two, there are some extremely unflattering pictures posted.  Three, the writing has helped me process and evaluate what I think and feel, but what I have put down on “paper” isn’t always where I end up.  Four, I REALLY liked him,  or at least the idea of what he could be.  Five, It made me feel like a silly girl.  Six, I wanted to have a conversation with him, about what I thought and felt, but instead he read it via text message and blog post.  That’s shitty and cowardice, not at all me, I am brave and bold dammit.  I guess not this time.

So here it is.  When a man tells you that you are wonderful, but he does not want to date you, or make time for you, or is dating someone else.  Listen to what he is saying.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.  Don’t make something that isn’t about you, about you. It’s really not fun.

MrNRN was just another thing in a shit storm of suck for a few weeks, (I was a negative  mutherf-er, and easier to focus on something external than internal!).  I romanticized the idea of what he COULD be.  He really is a perfect mix of all the things I like about all of my favorite men.  However…I barely know him.  6 ish dates (but I only counted him as one), I might have liked him less as I got to know him… or I could have liked him more.  We won’t know. Not now… maybe not ever?  Maybe our paths will cross again and the timing will be better?  Maybe he will become a werwolf and imprint on my daughter like in twilight.  Yeah I read those books.

I am impressed he did take the time to read I guess…  That’s my silver lining?

I have a bunch of bullshit inspirational messages all over my apartment.  But the two I hold dearest,  “Everything will be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end”  and from Harold and Kumar go to white castle, (yeah that’s right) “You just have to have faith that the universe will unfold exactly as it should”.


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