Monthly Archives: October 2012

Hump day already

I felt puffy this morning, swollen fingers, and feeling sluggish.  Yesterday I got sucked into my half-a-couch.  Home from work, and pouring rain I put on my house pants and wrapped in a fuzzy zebra print fleece blanket.  I had every intention of going to the gym.  But my motivation fell between the couch cushions.  It stayed there while I watched TV and drank the last of the homemade baileys one of my amazing staff had made me for my birthday.  Then I went to bed and watched Twilight.  Bahahaha!  Fell asleep while watching a teenage angst vampire movie.

The last week has been filled with gluttony and sloth.  Managed a couple runs but have been eating wayyyyyyy too much.  It was worth it.  I have the worlds best friends, hands down wonderful.  They planned a surprise party for me friday night.  I had NO idea.  Apparently it’s been planned for quite some time.  THANK YOU!  L&T, You are amazing!  Everyone else who helped and showed, so touched.  Plus all the messages and phone calls, I really felt loved. I was speechless, that NEVER happens to me.    Although in retrospect I did think I was odd when I phoned my m&d and they knew it was my birthday.

Poor #13 thinks he’s meeting a couple people for dinner, and walks into a table of my nearest and dearest.  He did well.  We had a romantic (despite my drunkness) impromptu hotel stay.  Again thanks to my amazing friends.  He kept telling me I have great friends, I wanted to just say   “I know… right?”

But hump day today, and I weighed at 174.2  not awesome.  So, back to the gym, and making better choices, no more halloween candy, or booze.  Operation get super hotter needs a jump start.  We have a new program, and it kicks ass, we will crush it…

It’s my birthday!

33 years ago today I was born.  I don’t understand why I am celebrated today.  I mean I showed up, But I didn’t really do anything.  I arrived messy and crying (and relived a similar messy and puking for my 19th).  I was late,  2 weeks late and the joke for a few years was that I hadn’t been on time since.  My mom had gone into labour every friday for the 3 weeks leading up to my birth.  My dad was doing some running around and didn’t think it was the real deal.  My mom told me that he finally took her to the hospital when she threatened to have the baby in his car.  She wasn’t in labor for long, a couple hours, and she threatened to kick her family doctor in the face.  She also took me home right away.  No messing with my mother, I guess I come by this running hot stuff honestly.

I was a big baby, well over 8lbs, despite that my mom says I was the most dainty pink delicate thing she had ever seen.  100% girl.  Birth marks in all the right beauty spots.  An “accident”  my mom says, “the best mistake they ever made”.  My dad lovingly called me Hollering Demanding Yellin (instead of Holley Amanda Helen).  I was (am)  so loved.  They embraced who I was as an individual.  I would like to celebrate my parents today, and everything they have done for me.  I’ll have to phone my parents and wish them a happy “birthing day”  because my bet is they have no idea what the date is!

 

 

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I want to know what love is… I want you to show me…

I got into some trouble.  Well, actually I was enlightened to a number of reasons and ways that relationships get better over time.  I merely had given up on my post, not on love.  My parents are a perfect example of how being married 34 years and still being in love is possible.  I have said a few times, the last few years with my ex were the best years.  If you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have said I would NEVER be single again.  Of course that’s not how life played out, but I liked being in a relationship, a long one.  Just gave up on my post.

Right at this moment I’m struggling with trying to remember what romance is, and what is important in a relationship.  Specifically what is important to me.  You know when you take two colors of play dough and mash them together, you can never quite get them apart again?  You end up picking most of the foreign color out and then what’s left gets mushed in and the color is forever changed.  I feel like that’s what has happened with my ex.  He was a dark, blue I think, I of course, was neon pink.  Now my color is just ever so slightly purple.  He will have a pink streak for sure.

I’m finding this with #13.  He was married before and with a woman for 16 years.  He asks husband type questions.  He wanted to know the date of our first date so we could celebrate our “anniversary”.  Sweet, but I don’t give a damn about this.  Even before my ex, I remember my first serious boyfriend  I and argued with a friend about our dating anniversary, how we NEEDED a date, but it wasn’t important to either of us.  Plus when you have a secret romance the starting date is a little blurry.  So this is the first time I have a dating milestone.  We decided that the first time he pinned me down to have a serious conversation about dating was October 1.  The talk was in my car, so I couldn’t run away.   He has also asked me if I have given any thought about the kind of wedding I want.  Ummmmmm…. I managed to evade that question with the playdough metaphor.

So yes, relationships get better with time, and what I think is romantic and sweet doesn’t need to make way for grossness.  It will evolve.  My ex used to pluck the hair from my face mole for me, and was OK with the fact I spit like a hockey player.  I would be more likely the culprit of dutch ovens… poor #13…

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Overdue hump day

I have been in a fog of nyquil, trying to get things fixed at work and get better.  I miss the gym.  I also have LOTS to write about!  Today is my first day back to the gym, we have a changed workout routine, hopefully I don’t cough up a lung.  Weighed this morning 167.2.  I feel thin, probably from being sick all week.  blog soon… I promise…

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In the beginning there is romance

One of my girlfriends sent me a facebook message, she said she was excited for me , giving things a shot with #13, one of her close friends had also just started a new romance, and they were basking in the excitement.. She lamented that she missed the time before “dutch ovens”.

So this is the evolution of things, you start with preening and primping, freshly shaved legs and a clean house. You go out to eat, watch movies, whatever your thing is. You send sweet text messages, and get flowers. You sit side by side watching TV, and you watch all the same things. Eventually it diminishes to watching different shows in different rooms, Work, and chores and errands, then the kids (if that’s your thing) take over. You see each other with a head cold, or stomach flu, the “dutch ovens” warm your bed at night.  Awesome…

3 kids under 5. Holy bageezus…

I knew my flight was delayed.  I had checked in online but I wasn’t sure how long the delay would be.  An hour and a half.  So as much as I love those kids, and hour and a half to myself with a venti starbucks and my laptop sounds amazing.  I have just spent a week with my brother and sister-in-law.  My Nephews, almost 5 and just over a year, and an adopted kid, my sister in laws niece, almost 3 is living with them after an ATV accident in august left her brother paralyzed (details and fundraising info at www.corylegere.com)

I LOVE those kids.  C is the light of my life.  The love of a child is unlike anything else, and with my ex not wanting kids I intended on being the favorite Aunt.  Mission accomplished.  Who doesn’t want to be loved?   There is a count down till I arrive, and when it’s time to go I always get the “when will you be back?”  And “next time can you stay longer?”  Today C was asking why I had to go home.  Well, I have to go to work.  Not a good enough reason, he’s 4 so he asks again, “Why?” Because that’s what 4 year olds do, ask why, why… why…. ???  Well, I have to water my plants.  Hmnnn… so then he asks, Are you there all alone?   You don’t have any pets?  OMG, kid, you are killing me.  No, I’m all alone, and now I’m trying not to cry, because he is so sensitive, he would start to cry, or do something sweet like rub my back, which makes me cry harder… poor kid.   Last time I went to leave He told me I should live in the basement.  It really means something to get that kind of love.  Even little A at 3 got a pouty face and asked if I would come back tomorrow.  Gawd… they kill me.

Ok, so what did we do, we all got head colds, so it wasn’t as active as normal, and I’m broker than normal.  We went to the mall, old navy with a 4 year old is a little challenging, luckily he likes games, so we play eye spy and search for the M in clothing, because I now need a medium at old navy! C & A went to Brave with me, not at all what I expected, but good, and we all had kids packs!  Helps keep them in their seats with a box of popcorn on their laps.  We played peekaboo with the baby, and threw him around.  Really good-natured kid, just ever so slightly ginger.  Hopefully he’ll grow out of that.  We played play dough, colored, went to McDonald’s a couple of times.  C is a picky eater, just about everything on his plate needs to be one color, the other 2 will eat just about anything.  We went to the park and played.  We spent an entire day in our PJ’s, watched movies, ate cheese strings and purple grapes.  We baked cookies.  We read books, sang songs, danced and wiggled, and generally had a kid dominated visit.

I didn’t call anyone, or see anyone, I didn’t line up any dates as I had initially planned on, due to a charmingly sweet chat I had with #13 before I left.  Please, If you are reading from the Calgary area, don’t take it personally, With no car, and 3 kids under 5 to juggle, I don’t want to tax my bro and sis any more than they already are.  Plus It’s all about the kids when you are the favorite aunt!

Now because I am such a sissy when I get sick, the house time with the other little germ bags was perfect.  Did I miss my regular life?  Not really.  I mean It’s nice to be able to pee by yourself without a kid pressed against the door asking how you are doing and how long you will be, or sticking their little fingers under the door, asking if you need help.  Not sure what they would do exactly? Or getting dressed and leaving the house without some kid walking up, to give you a hug, but in actual fact has eyed up your shirt to wipe snot across your left breast.  It’s also truly amazing that people so small can produce so much SHIT.  So much… amazing.  I won’t miss the diapers. The sticky hands on my face, the whining, or pushing.  I will miss the snuggles and the love, even the part where they climb onto your lap and dig their pointy little elbow into your sternum leaving a bruise.  I’ll miss the giggles and the smiles on those dirty little faces.  I may even miss the questions… Why???

I missed #13, but we texted daily, so only mildly.  I missed my darling friends, and I really missed the gym.  The only exercise I got was running in the park with C, that kid LOVES to run, or skip, everywhere!  And picking up those kids, dead lifting a 50lb 4-year-old after he’s fallen asleep on the couch, not really a workout.  I missed the alone time to blog, but if I hadn’t gotten sick I could have done some of that while the kids were asleep.  I missed the gym.  Funny, I didn’t miss work at all…

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Dammit!

While trying to remember what a new relationship was like I got all melancholy over my ex. I think of him often, and I miss him, of course after 10 years you miss a person. Made me weepy today despite the sunshine and the excitement of 2 more sleeps till I get some quality family time. I’ll miss the gym this week, also not weighing or packing any shakes. I have a couple topics I’d like to write while I’m off, but not sure I’ll have time, usually my time is dedicated to the kids. I want to do a piece that I need help with, maybe a couple bottles and wine and some laughs for sure, who’s in? Next week when I’m back to the grind…
I need to ponder all the crappy things that happened, you know, to remind me…there were reasons for us to split. Maybe I just need to stop being sad. That’s what my ex would say, “I order you to quit being sad”. I would reply “you are not the boss of me”

the evolution of my dating baggage

I had a boyfriend once for a few months.  He kind of looked like Paul Rudd.  He was exceptionally funny, and he always seemed to be around.  One night we crashed a house party and stole a keg to have our own private party, and I guess that was the start of our romance.  He lived in Kelowna, I was still living in vernon.  We hung out 2 or 3 times a week.  He was exceptionally funny, even funnier after a few drinks.  We had a good time, but it wasn’t even a sliver of serious.  One night he stood me up.  Stood me up then dropped off the face of the planet for a week.  I was pissed off.  Early 20’s and I used to run much hotter than I do now.  (Scary thought, I know).  He reemerged apologetic and about to spout some reason for the Houdini act.  I stopped him, I didn’t care why, but if he did something like that to me again, I was done.  We were done.  Over.  Relationships are communication, and space is good, as long as there is communication.  A few weeks later, he didn’t call when he said he was going to, and I “quit” him.  That was the end, Cherise asked where he was I  told her I quit him, she asked “does he know?”  I figured he would put it together eventually.  Was done with him, I wasn’t a priority.  This girl doesn’t take that BS.  (I didn’t used to…silly me…)

After him I decided no dating.  I would spend the summer being a man eater.  I had no desire for romance (not too far off from undertaking 40 flipping dates).  My guy friend B, and I would go out and tear thru the bar getting numbers, breaking hearts.  Earned the title of best wing girl ever.  One really sweet boy asked what my favourite candy was, cinnamon hearts, and managed to hunt down some in july to bring to me at work.  My bar was full of boys, and there was more than a couple awkward moments when boys would show up at the same time and place.  I love those awkward moments now… but then, there were a couple “face palm moments” as my mom calls them.

Then I met my ex.  Well, I had met him a few months earlier, Cherise was with me and she said, “stay away from him, he’s trouble”  I am a better listener now… LOL!  He dated not one but 2 of my closer friends.  There may have been an overlap between them… Which I knew about…I thought he was a Douche bag.   One of his best friends would call me relentlessly.  There was NO reason him and I should ever date.  I thought he was a slime ball.  Cute, but slime ball.

We went to all the same places, I saw him again and again.  Some boy asked me to come watch his team play, my ex was on his team.  His friend would invite me out in the hopes sticking his tongue in my mouth my Ex would be there too.  He would be on a date with one or the other of my friends and I’d drive them home.  He would come into work and sit in my section.  I went to the bar in vernon one night after work.  Meeting some girls, and he was there, on the dance floor right beside them.  I was trying to sneak past him, say hi and get to my girls, but he caught me, pulled me off the dance floor and smelling like Jack Daniels and watermelon bubbalicious leaned in real close and told me he had the BIGGEST crush on me.  I laughed, drunk guys love me.  He was drunk.  Plus, a crush?  Big deal, lots of boys had crushes on me, why did he think that would make any difference?  So the end of the night rolls along and he asks if we can talk.  Uh, I guess, what are we going to talk about?  He’s super cute, but I still think he’s a dirtbag.  Plus it’s summertime, I work 6 or 7 days a week, I don’t have time for him.  He gets my home number, but I know no one will answer it till september.

Finally I decide, we can make out, and if anyone will give this guy a run for his money it’s me.  He was smart enough to figure out calling me at work (remember text messaging hadn’t been invented yet)  We start a secret romance.  It was messy.  His friend was snippy about me not going out with them anymore, My one friend claimed she was still seeing my ex.  There was an ocean of nasty drama.  I still filled my bar with boys who thought they had a chance, and flirted like a maniac.  It was a mess.  But he always called when he said he would, and wanted all the time I would give him.  Our secret was poorly kept for 6 or 7 months until I told him I couldn’t take the drama anymore.  We had the exclusive talk.  Unfortunately the first few months of our relationship set the tone for the following 10 years.  We led separate lives, home life and vacation time were the only things we shared.

It was so long ago I really had to sit and think of the romantic things.  He used to ask if I would get ready to go out at his house, then it would smell like me and he could see me even for a few minutes.  He would want to shower with me, in a tiny one person shower, and he would sweetly wipe the crack whore eyeliner from my cheeks.    My parents moved, and there was a month long gap, he was so excited for me to stay with him, he had a key cut, and cleaned out a closet for me.  His bed was pushed against the wall, I slept between him and the wall, I think he was afraid I would try to escape, the thought had crossed my mind a few times in the first few months…We slept in a double bed, and he was upset when we switched to a queen size because he felt I was too far away.  He would call me whenever he got drunk, wherever he was, and tell me how wonderful I was.  We would watch NFL and cuddle on a futon, or sit together in an armchair for one.  I had a crush on Orlando Bloom, and he would e-mail me pictures of him, or change the desk top on my user account.  He set up my user account on his computer.  He was crazy about me.  Would just look at me and smile, with that soft look in his eyes, the one reserved for puppies, babies, and the one you love.

I was not looking for a relationship, and absolutely not with him.  He was just supposed to be fun, temporary.  I wouldn’t have to worry about his feelings.  But he grew on me.  About a year in I went over there to break up with him.  I was crying, he had been so sweet, but really, we didn’t do anything together,  was I making the right decision?  If he cared we would share more, friends activities, something.  I was breaking up with him, I had convinced myself.  There was still a little crazy girl drama going on too.  I was breaking up with him.  I got there, sat on his bed, He was concerned, you can tell when I’ve been crying, I’m red and puffy, not a good cryer. he sat beside me, and brought a box of tissues.  he pulled one out, handing it to me, and started rubbing my back.  I was breaking up with him.  He was rubbing my back, he asked what was wrong, I took a deep breath.  I couldn’t get the words out.  He said to me, You don’t need to tell me, but know Holley, I love you, you make me very happy, and I’m here if there is anything I can do to help.  I did not break up with him.

I do not regret for a moment that I did not break up with him.  It was hard, ups, downs, and buckets of tears.  Heartache and pain, but so many great times too.  He helped make me who I am today, and I him.  Our romantic era is over, but I am comforted knowing that still to this day he loves me very much, and is always there for me.

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I use my sex

First off… last night I went out for a bit. Walk in and the girls I’m with head straight for the bar. I kept walking… “creeper” was standing at the bar. Awesome. No, still don’t think he should stay at my house. Then there was a man who told me I was beautiful and attacked my cheek, kissing it like a nervous bird. Again I had to resist the urge to pose every time he told me I was pretty. At the end of the night a sweet adorable boy struck up a conversation, my guess he was maybe 23… maybe… I wanted to ask him if he was lost and needed help finding his mom. I am flattered, but seriously, young boys… no. It was some dancing and a whole lot of laughing. Good time.

Using my sex. It’s a salacious headline. I was arguing with my friend K a couple months ago. He accused me of this. I tenaciously denied the charges. However… He was correct. I have even used my sex on him. He told me that men want to do things for girls like me. Even 40 lbs overweight. His exact words were “guys do things for you because you are not a donkey” He has poetic charm.

I am smart and capable, but never, ever, not once have I had to change my own tire on the side of the road. I get amazing customer service, especially at car dealerships and hardware stores. My dispute to these charges was that it was my personality and charm that got me these lucky strokes. That may help he said, but physical attractiveness plays a much larger role. I was horrified. How un-feminist of me. Women fight for equality, am I putting back 100 years of work with a pair of high heels? Plus I argued with him, I used to be MUCH hotter.

I feel sexier these days, It’s what I got, I love heels and dresses, and hot pink. SO a combination of the 3… YAY! I will dress up when I don’t have to work, grocery shopping in leggings with heels and a dress. This playing dress up was also exciting for dating. Which is currently on hiatus. I won’t turn down a chance to doll up even if it’s just taking my computers to futureshop. (Which those amazing men fixed!! I’m not as mobile with no battery in either of my laptops, but they are BOTH working, and I have done full back-ups!!!) Now I am noticing that I do in fact use my sex to get things done. Am I a terrible person? Manipulating strangers to get what I want? I guess if it gets out of control, It could make you one of those real housewife types. That’s not good.

Yes, I use my sex, I flip my hair, I tilt my head, I stand toes out, with a hip jut. I put my hand on my hip, and pull my shoulders back to elongate my neck. I hold myself with purpose and confidence and I fuel my stroll with the melodic click clack of high heels.

In actual fact, my hair is thin a flip gives it volume, I don’t hear well so the head tilt is so I can make out what you are saying. I pronate my feet, and if I don’t point my toes out, I’ll trip and fall. The hip jut is because my ass hurts from the gym and I’m stretching it out. Hand on the hip is to adjust my creeping undergarments. Shoulders are back so I am reminded to suck in my belly. The click clack of my heels is a distraction from hurting feet. Sexiness is faking it till you make it. What everyone sees doesn’t always match how you feel. Confidence sometimes needs coddling. So is it worth it?

I guess it depends on what is important to you. I enjoy the attention. Having doors opened for me and people tell me I’m beautiful. I get something from those interactions. I feel silly admitting it. So un-feminist…

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