Monthly Archives: February 2013

Awaiting my trophy

C asked me the other night…. “Do you know who the best Aunty is in the whole world? … YOU!” Man, this kid kills me, I never spend enough time, it’s always too long between visits, and although my life is pretty great, and getting better… it feels shattered leaving him behind. It is going to be rough on him when I have a boyfriend and can’t give him my undivided attention. It was easy with my ex, he never came with me! I’m sure I can find a man who understands and even enriches my nephew time. C has a hard time when I spend any time with baby G, or even mom and dad! He wants it to be just us, we can share…. But no one else…
My ex never wanted kids. For a long time I thought that was ok. I have my nephews, and friends kids that are family, a god daughter who is adorable, so there are lots of kids around. Now… I’m not so sure. I love kids. I feel like I am running out of time. I am flopping back and forth between it being ok without them, sharing other people’s kids, fostering, adopting, there are so many kids out there that need good homes, I don’t feel I need to push them out of my vagina to love and care for them. Or have them surgically extracted and experience being stapled shut. C-sections are wonderous!
I think I can live without morning sickness, constipation, mood swings, I already cry often, and it’s bad for my lash extensions! Stretch marks and a whole gamete of other totally worth it symptoms of child bearing. With an extensive family history of excessive miscarriage, even if I find someone wonderful, how long? A year together? Then try to get pregnant? That could take a while, plus gestation, I’m looking at 35 at the earliest. Wow. Where does the time go?
I’m still flopping back and forth on this, and once again crying in the airport. I have complete confidence that the universe will unfold exactly as it should, and in the meantime am fortunate enough to have earned the title of the worlds greatest Aunt. I would like a t-shirt I think. Something that won’t show the stains from paints, markers, dirt, food… And more! 🙂
Let us re cap some of the fringe benefits of being the wolds greatest Aunt…
There’s still a little novelty to getting up at 4 am to slow dance and snuggle with a teething 18 month old,(and about the only quality time we get unless the 5 year old is at school.)
Kids movies, and popcorn, and M&M’s!
Singing silly songs and dancing till everyone is sweaty and dizzy.
Racing, and playgrounds, I went for a little interval walk/run/piggy back to school, there is far more play involved walking with kids, sliding on the ice, stomping in mud and in puddles, picking up rocks, noticing animals, even piles of dog shit are more exciting… Going to a playground requires children, unless it’s in the middle of the night, and you are drunk. Or super Creepy… And then we are friends off.
When you go on outings children are instructed to be on their best behaviour. Your child “mini Houdini” holds aunties hand and uses manners! (Not always…)
OUTINGS! I love love love activities, and am always looking for someone to go and do! Zoo, gardens, science centres, museums, pools, tourist attractions, beaches, fairs, carnivals, rides, I AM IN!
The worlds greatest Aunt must be both stubborn and patient, never make a promise you can’t make good on, or a threat you wouldn’t follow thru with. Kids remember EVERYTHING, and in life for every action there is a reaction, establish trust and an acceptable level of behaviour.
The worlds greatest aunty hasn’t has to endure 400 straight days of mind numbing incessant Whys? So she can (although uncomfortably) field some questions.
Daddy doesn’t yell at aunty for tearing off all the couch cushions and using every blanket in the house to make a fort. And she knows how to use the washer to clean and fold them afterwards.
Because aunty hasn’t had to do 18 loads of laundry everyday for the last 5 years she has a little more patience playing parachute with sheets or re folding a basket that has been dumped to be used as a pretend car.
Same goes for floor sweeping, dinner making, dishwasher unloading. Because its not a looming task every day, she can skillfully make child labour fun for everyone. (Sneaky Bitch)
Even though Aunty is a germaphobe in real life she will endure the sharing and hand feeding, maybe with a little cringe… As disguised as possible of course. She’s also pretty skilled at pretend eating and drinking.
Aunty is already a spilly mess so a little extra jam in her hair… No big deal.
Peek a boo master, as well as being flexible and strong enough to be a jungle gym.
Aunty likes to play, assemble toys and will endure hours of play dough, reading stories and children’s television
Aunty is a good listener, she remembers details and isn’t usually distracted by everyday life stuff, you have her attention. And she picks out kid dialect.
Aunty hasn’t had to say 47000 times, “stop pushing your brother” or “stop kicking the seat”
Kid food is the greatest, McDonald’s, fruit loops, cupcakes, chocolate milk, and Aunty is good at sharing.
Aunty is ok with cursing, may even teach you a few choice phrases.
Although she does worry about you being bullied at school, your emotional and physical well being, it’s not as forefront in her mind as a parent. I imagine raising kids in today’s world is a scary thing!
She doesn’t have to worry about paying for clothes and shoes and food for you everyday… Kids are expensive!
Really it looks like there are a lot of perks! Just the shattered breaking hole she feels in her heart when she gives you back to your parents…

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Friday…

It’s Friday, I promised pictures, measurements… And a blog about online dating. Shit. I’ve come to Calgary for some family time, baby G is watching cartoons, C is on his way home from school, I’m starting dinner and eating mini eggs. Getting organized for the 4 days off work, and working out everyday, I’ve run short on time. I will deliver… Just a little late…:-)

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This is from jan and last week… I think they look the same…

How can you tell if they are into you?

I go on 30 dates, and suddenly I am a romance expert? Ha! Although flattered, but I am muddling thru this shit pile just like everyone else. In the last week I’ve had a half dozen private messages on dating. I’m looking for advice too…

Ok, after a pity party about my gain I had some encouraging texts, (thank you). Karma gave me a pep talk at the gym today. No more weighing. She gave me an app that puts pictures side by side. So weekly you’ll get a picture and measurements. NO MORE SCALE. I’d rather be fit than light, I refuse to feel bad about the hard work I’m putting in. I realize results take time, and I’ve made a multitude of changes to my body chemistry, so I will practice being gentle with myself.

I do have some tips on dating, and specifically online dating. There are also some indicators that someone likes you… I’ll write on the dating this week, but today is how to tell if they like you.

This is tricky. It is dependant on a number of factors, relationship baggage on both sides, the degree in which a person is capable of love and the busyness of their lives.
If they:
*Take time out of their 16 hour workday in order to send a girl flowers on valentines day, (*sigh)
*They return texts in a timely matter, or better yet, INITIATE contact
*Take the time to thoughtfully respond to messages, one word or one letter… Not the best signal.
*Are eager to meet, shows that you are important enough to spend time with or on.
*bring you along to meet friends and or family, they may be seeking secondary approval, or just incorporating you into their personal circle, both are good.
*Things come up… However being stood up, or left waiting feels shitty, someone who is into you will make sure to reschedule or rearrange their schedule to make a date happen. (This was the main indicator MrNRN wasn’t into me!)
*There is an equal give and take in the relationship, they come to your house, or do something you enjoy, (this didn’t happen often with my ex, silly me)
*They ask questions, about you, what you think and or feel, they show interest.
*Pick up the phone and DIAL, TALK to you.
*Obviously there would be no emotional, mental or physical violence.
*I do things, make a cd, bake cookies, or something small, a gesture of admiration, not everyone does.
*You are on a date, they are checking their phone, taking calls and or returning texts. Not a good sign. I had to do this once on a date, it was work. I felt like an asshole. It tells your date they are not important. Of course work and or kids, occasionally calls have to be taken.
*Conversations about ex’s. I am guilty of this, #13 asked of I still had feelings for him, he just kept asking my questions that included my ex in the answer… It was a learning point when he brought it to my attention. It does happen that people aren’t over an ex, or are injured still, until you are over that, it’s hard to emotionally give to another person. This is of course a personal opinion!
*Think about how they treat you. If someone was treating your best friend in exactly the same manner, would it be ok? If the answer is no, or even a hesitant maybe, ask yourself why you don’t feel like you deserve the “cream”
*Sometimes you can see it in the way they look at you, or the way you feel when you look at them, sometimes that’s just an innate desire to procreate, be careful with this one.
*They make and keep plans with you, they want to spend their day off with you, go on vacation, live together etc… In good time of course.
*They tell you. Verbally, they say the words. Again be aware, they tell you but do not do any of the above, it may be a lie.
*They take time or make an effort to be presentable for dates, another one I’ve been guilty of, un brushed hair and a dirty shirt doesn’t say “wow! I think you are great!” Not that every date and every person should preen, but clean and presentable, good indicator.
*they smile a lot, tip their head to the side, lean or cross their legs towards you, find excuses or reasons to physically touch you.

I’m sure there are more, but it is so dependant on every individual. I suggest you set a standard, make a list even, and don’t settle for less, because spectacular is out there!

Happy Saturday!

Mut*^%€$<ing scale

So I counted calories all week, drank lots of water, got at least 30 min of cardio every day. 181.1. Yep, another Lb. Awesome. My first thought -“I need to kill it on the cardio, at least an hour every day!” What’s that…? Exercise anorexia? Oh! So nice of you to stop in… So I will continue, working out- 30-60 min cardio, and have faith this gain will bounce out. Pretty discouraging. I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. So many factors at work. I have some pics, didn’t have time to measure this morning…
Fecking Friday! Here’s to the rest of the day being fabulous!

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Clothes on…
These are scary to post… Less clothing…

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A day of love

Valentines day, for some people it’s the worst… I’ve never found it to be much of anything. I have a LOT of love, romantic, plutonic, unconditional. So if one year the romantic was lacking the other two made up for it! I enjoy being a ray of sunshine, I’m a people pleaser, good or bad. I get cards and flowers for friends, I make CD’s, sent texts, my staff gets a little something. Personally not a big deal, I have had a couple boyfriends years ago bring me flowers or make me a CD, I have cards, and once a romantic trip to Seattle for some sporting event from my Ex. Today is the first time I’ve ever had anyone send me flowers. Goldylocks, away at work sent me flowers on valentines day. I almost cried. I was completely satiated by the sweet text he sent me this morning. The last couple months of daily texts and sweet gestures it’s like every day is valentines… And then today he sends me flowers.

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Made my grow a boyfriend seem lame in comparison! That Goldylocks…. Wow. Amazing.

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For the record valentines day… Originated as a pegan fertility celebration, interesting thought as you make your 5 year old fill out a valentine for all 28 kids in their class, glad they went with paper instead of a goat hide ass slapping!

http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day

Ding ding ding…

Ever have one of those moments where everything falls into place? Suddenly the obvious dawns on ya… I remember my mom telling me when she was pregnant, with both me and my brother she didn’t gain much weight. I’ve been off and on birth control pills before, never experienced the normal gain going on them… But I have experienced a gain going off. When I think back, every time. Since it imitates pregnancy, it may make sense, genetically! I was needlessly hard on myself…
Breakfast this morning was fantastic…

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Cherry almond quinnoa-oatmeal, yum!

Year of the Snake

I’m upset, things feel “jarred” with my mother still. (Punny… Right?). Unfortunately not much I can do at this point… Give her a little time and space. I’m disappointed with the gain, although there are a bazillion reasons, scientific even, for this, it is a petty 1st world worry.
Feeling sad, disappointed or angry many of us have default activities. Go to moves that distract, or suppress emotions. I shop, I exercise, I eat whipping cream, I flirt. Pretty much in that order. I don’t have the funds to shop, I’m already exercising daily, so that leaves the whipping cream and flirting. The whipping cream won’t help the gain, and I already found a boy I really really REALLY like, so the flirting just makes guilt. I need a new go to stress reliever.
I’m looking for suggestions, they should require little or no start up costs, minimal skill level, and be versatile enough to do in any weather, day or night. Geeze, I don’t ask for much huh?
When I was dating like a maniac last fall, and well, honestly, a little jaded at the idea of love, I joked around with a few of my girls that I would give up, I would get super hotter… And be a whore. 2013 as well as being the year of the snake, would be Year of the Whore. It has a nice ring to it? When I was dating #13 (obviously not the “one”) I wailed that I would miss YOTW.
In actual fact, I would be a complete failure at this. Including but not exclusive to…
I am paranoid about STI’s.
I don’t like the idea of having sex with strangers. As lame as it sounds I need some emotional connection.
I am entirely obtuse about sexual advances.
I spend the majority of my time at work or with girls, maybe I could also become a lesbian? No… No way.
I am a terrible lier, I couldn’t juggle or swing from man to man, (and gross…).
It strikes me as a LOT of work.
Likely I would be required to shave my legs more than once a month, wear underwear and brush my hair.
I really enjoy my own bed, clean, high thread count sheets, a dark and quiet room.
There were few men that I dated that I would be interesting in making out with, so in order to be a whore I would have to lower my standards? Never good.
Society frowns on it, but more important, morally it’s iffy and my mother wouldn’t approve.
Being used for, or using another for sex, can’t be good for the self esteem, long term…
I know what I like, and how I like it, not really open to… anything, that is an un-whore type quality.
Potentially you could make bad decisions, being led by your libido could compromise your personal safety. It doesn’t think things thru like it should.
Pregnancy, and have I mentioned sexually transmitted infections? I think they are worth bringing up again.
So while talking tough, I was never cut out for YOTW. I think, all the power to the women out here with the confidence and security to execute such a lifestyle. I love to hear your stories!
So even without Goldylocks,(who despite being away, is spectacular), YOTW was a pipe dream.

Frustrated.

I despise counting calories. It makes a top 10 of my least favourite things. This past week I’ve been making an effort, not to eat whenever I want, to drink more water or tea. The first 8 days I have faithfully done at least 30 min of cardio. I went to the gym 5 of the last 8 days, and worked HARD. Sweating, muscle quaking, grunting and moaning, hard. Starbucks only when I blogged, and I had a tall instead of my usual venti. I made dinner, vegetable soup, curried cabbage and free range chicken with lentils, salmon and leek soup. Breakfast has been quinoa and oatmeal, I measured my Greek yogurt into shakes as to make sure I wasn’t putting too much in. I gained 3 lbs. this morning at 6am, 180. Mutherf***er. Measurements are all the same, (bust waist hips as I was headed into work early)
Yes it’s just a number on a little piece of plastic, but it irritated me this morning. So I will count calories this week. I hate it.
My awesome runners are wearing down, having put almost 500k on them, they have lived a good life. I had a decision to make, go grocery shopping, or buy new runners, I have lots of food in my cupboard and freezer, I bought new shoes. I’m one of the few pronators with a crazy high arch, so mizunos are the best, help straighten out my foot so I’m less likely to injure my knees and hips. They are a violent shade of coral, with lime green. They will be my new gym shoes, the gym shoes are going to outdoor, and I’m going to throw the old outdoors out. I would donate them, but they are trashed! Usually I wouldn’t need new runners till later in the year but it’s been sunny, as much as possible I’ve been heading outside to “run”… it’s really more of a brisk walk since its still icy and soon will be muddy, and I won’t run on pavement. I’m such a princess… Haha…
Ok, counting calories, keeping with the 30 min of cardio daily, 2 shakes and a positive attitude. The benefit of counting calories is that it gives me a breakdown of nutritional percentages and values, then I can see if craving meat is perhaps because my body needs more protein. I do crave meat quite often, and whipped cream… I guess the fat. Or maybe just because. The sun is shining, I’m going to go do my 30 min cardio. Have a fantastic Friday.

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Frustrated.

I despise counting calories. It makes a top 10 of my least favourite things. This past week I’ve been making an effort, not to eat whenever I want, to drink more water or tea. The first 8 days I have faithfully done at least 30 min of cardio. I went to the gym 5 of the last 8 days, and worked HARD. Sweating, muscle quaking, grunting and moaning, hard. Starbucks only when I blogged, and I had a tall instead of my usual venti. I made dinner, vegetable soup, curried cabbage and free range chicken with lentils, salmon and leek soup. Breakfast has been quinoa and oatmeal, I measured my Greek yogurt into shakes as to make sure I wasn’t putting too much in. I gained 3 lbs. this morning at 6am, 180. Mutherf***er. Measurements are all the same, (bust waist hips as I was headed into work early)
Yes it’s just a number on a little piece of plastic, but it irritated me this morning. So I will count calories this week. I hate it.
My awesome runners are wearing down, having put almost 500k on them, they have lived a good life. I had a decision to make, go grocery shopping, or buy new runners, I have lots of food in my cupboard and freezer, I bought new shoes. I’m one of the few pronators with a crazy high arch, so mizunos are the best, help straighten out my foot so I’m less likely to injure my knees and hips. They are a violent shade of coral, with lime green. They will be my new gym shoes, the gym shoes are going to outdoor, and I’m going to throw the old outdoors out. I would donate them, but they are trashed! Usually I wouldn’t need new runners till later in the year but it’s been sunny, as much as possible I’ve been heading outside to “run”… it’s really more of a brisk walk since its still icy and soon will be muddy, and I won’t run on pavement. I’m such a princess… Haha…
Ok, counting calories, keeping with the 30 min of cardio daily, 2 shakes and a positive attitude. The benefit of counting calories is that it gives me a breakdown of nutritional percentages and values, then I can see if craving meat is perhaps because my body needs more protein. I do crave meat quite often, and whipped cream… I guess the fat. Or maybe just because. The sun is shining, I’m going to go do my 30 min cardio. Have a fantastic Friday.

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Self doubt is a withered vicious hag

Indulge me a little and imagine… So there you are, coasting along. Having good days and bad, but mostly good. Riding the bicycle of life. The breeze is fresh and warm, the sun is shining, birds are chirping. Breathing deep and smiling ever so slightly. Your front wheel starts to wobble, gravel sliding around under you, but you recover, pump the pedals a couple more times, all of a sudden something gets jammed in your wheel. A stick in your spokes that sends you sailing over the handlebars. Skinning your elbow, and knee, bruising you up and possibly leaving a scar. Feeling lucky you didn’t land on your head, or break something. There you are lying on the pavement trying to gather yourself and figure out what the hell happened. Because I’m a cryer, I’m also trying not to sob. I crashed my bike pretty good when I was 5 riding down the road, too fast and fell off, a garage sale of a wreck I was bleeding, starting to tear up. My mom shouted “get off the road before you cry!” It’s just good life advice, sometimes you need to pick up yourself, and your bike and get off the road before you can have a melt down, so you don’t get hit by a car!
I fell off my “bike” last week. It was a combination of things, hormones, family stress, but primarily it was that awful hag “Self doubt”. She had teamed up with the sneaky “Worst case scenario” and between the two of them laid a serious smack down on my bliss. Smashed it up pretty good. At first I thought the bliss was asking for it, being all sparkly and smug… But I realized bliss is 100% the victim.
Self doubt was really subtle at first, slinking in, making herself comfortable in a corner. Not making much noise, just observing… Once she felt comfortable she started interjecting. A low whine, nagging in the background. She progressively got louder, by herself she can cause damage, but when her side kick “worst case scenario” showed up I knew it was going to get ugly. The hags called in hormones, and family stress so they could team up on poor bliss, leaving her crying in the corner with hormones (because hormones gets teary ALL the time). Often once bliss is shattered depression moves in for a while, or self sabotage. Thankfully, this time Reason and Rational stopped in to clean up the scene and fix up Bliss.
I started feeling shitty. Not as sexy as I had for the last few weeks. Didn’t feel thin. I had a few nights where I didn’t sleep great. I was accused of being thankless and some hurtful things were said. I took all this to heart along with a roller coaster of hormones (no more birth control pills, guaranteed to make you feel a little “off”). I was temped to spend a day or two in bed and have a pity party.
Goldylocks was home for a week, and he made great efforts to make me feel like I was important and that he see me. Inviting me out with his friends, texting daily and stopping in one day the bears were in school and I was off work. However…selfishness and self doubt was whining it wasn’t enough time, and self doubt started skipping along with worst case scenario picking up some old baggage along the way. There were many instances with my ex that I did not feel like I was important. So trying to chase down the two of them, gaining speed and running away from me armed with relationship baggage was a mess… I started fretting, maybe he doesn’t like me that much, he’s so fantastic, I don’t deserve someone so amazing, really thinking awful and unrealistic things. Luckily rational stepped in and pointed out that Goldy couldn’t win, if he shirked time with his kids to hang out with some broad (even though she’s awesome…) it would unfavourably reflect on his character, the fact he is a devoted father is one of his many appealing qualities. He was spending as much time with the bears as possible, his priorities are right where they should be! Plus Cherise pointed out I would likely feel guilty taking away family time, and she’s right. Compassion and selflessness are qualities I am trying to cultivate in myself. Empathy rounds out that list too.
I am almost patched up, working on the family stress, and taking every thing one step at a time. I think Reason and Rational will stick around for a bit, at least until Bliss is back on her feet. The amazing friends and family I have give self doubt a stern look every time she mumbles something now… Eventually she’ll slink away, she’s not wanted here…