Self doubt is a withered vicious hag

Indulge me a little and imagine… So there you are, coasting along. Having good days and bad, but mostly good. Riding the bicycle of life. The breeze is fresh and warm, the sun is shining, birds are chirping. Breathing deep and smiling ever so slightly. Your front wheel starts to wobble, gravel sliding around under you, but you recover, pump the pedals a couple more times, all of a sudden something gets jammed in your wheel. A stick in your spokes that sends you sailing over the handlebars. Skinning your elbow, and knee, bruising you up and possibly leaving a scar. Feeling lucky you didn’t land on your head, or break something. There you are lying on the pavement trying to gather yourself and figure out what the hell happened. Because I’m a cryer, I’m also trying not to sob. I crashed my bike pretty good when I was 5 riding down the road, too fast and fell off, a garage sale of a wreck I was bleeding, starting to tear up. My mom shouted “get off the road before you cry!” It’s just good life advice, sometimes you need to pick up yourself, and your bike and get off the road before you can have a melt down, so you don’t get hit by a car!
I fell off my “bike” last week. It was a combination of things, hormones, family stress, but primarily it was that awful hag “Self doubt”. She had teamed up with the sneaky “Worst case scenario” and between the two of them laid a serious smack down on my bliss. Smashed it up pretty good. At first I thought the bliss was asking for it, being all sparkly and smug… But I realized bliss is 100% the victim.
Self doubt was really subtle at first, slinking in, making herself comfortable in a corner. Not making much noise, just observing… Once she felt comfortable she started interjecting. A low whine, nagging in the background. She progressively got louder, by herself she can cause damage, but when her side kick “worst case scenario” showed up I knew it was going to get ugly. The hags called in hormones, and family stress so they could team up on poor bliss, leaving her crying in the corner with hormones (because hormones gets teary ALL the time). Often once bliss is shattered depression moves in for a while, or self sabotage. Thankfully, this time Reason and Rational stopped in to clean up the scene and fix up Bliss.
I started feeling shitty. Not as sexy as I had for the last few weeks. Didn’t feel thin. I had a few nights where I didn’t sleep great. I was accused of being thankless and some hurtful things were said. I took all this to heart along with a roller coaster of hormones (no more birth control pills, guaranteed to make you feel a little “off”). I was temped to spend a day or two in bed and have a pity party.
Goldylocks was home for a week, and he made great efforts to make me feel like I was important and that he see me. Inviting me out with his friends, texting daily and stopping in one day the bears were in school and I was off work. However…selfishness and self doubt was whining it wasn’t enough time, and self doubt started skipping along with worst case scenario picking up some old baggage along the way. There were many instances with my ex that I did not feel like I was important. So trying to chase down the two of them, gaining speed and running away from me armed with relationship baggage was a mess… I started fretting, maybe he doesn’t like me that much, he’s so fantastic, I don’t deserve someone so amazing, really thinking awful and unrealistic things. Luckily rational stepped in and pointed out that Goldy couldn’t win, if he shirked time with his kids to hang out with some broad (even though she’s awesome…) it would unfavourably reflect on his character, the fact he is a devoted father is one of his many appealing qualities. He was spending as much time with the bears as possible, his priorities are right where they should be! Plus Cherise pointed out I would likely feel guilty taking away family time, and she’s right. Compassion and selflessness are qualities I am trying to cultivate in myself. Empathy rounds out that list too.
I am almost patched up, working on the family stress, and taking every thing one step at a time. I think Reason and Rational will stick around for a bit, at least until Bliss is back on her feet. The amazing friends and family I have give self doubt a stern look every time she mumbles something now… Eventually she’ll slink away, she’s not wanted here…


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