Monthly Archives: March 2013

My poor pancreas…

2 weeks making a solid effort to eat less sugar. Finished yesterday. Today I am celebrating with a salted caramel cake pop and a hazelnut macchiato. I did just finish a work day where I put away 3 pallets of product, and followed it up with 20 min cardio, and chest and back workout. My shoulders feel like those jewel coloured jello squares you see at a Chinese buffet.
I ate really well, oatmeal with almonds with cinnamon for breakfast, honey ginger tea and a banana. Lunch was a kale and spinach salad topped with shredded spicy beef, avocado, habanero cheese, hot salsa and low fat Greek yogurt. Not sure what dinner will be, Goldilocks is bringing takeout. He has a limited amount of time so a dinner date between work, a work out and the work he has at home is good for me! He is busy, but so am I… honestly don’t know where all my time goes! How did I find time for 30 dates? Considered a quick run instead of blogging, but decided I had enough aerobic activity for the day. I’m struggling to be easier on myself. I don’t have to work like a maniac by myself all day. I’m not impressing anyone. I don’t need to spend 3 hours every day working out. I make good choices, I eat well, I sleep 8-10 hours, I drink water. I deserve a little down time.
The dentist this morning said I have beautiful teeth and she can tell I take excellent care of them. All that flossing has paid off! When it was all said and done I paid $137 for a new tooth brush.
My appointment with my GP was entertaining, as usual. Nothing like a good hearty laugh session while naked, feet in stirrups, and another woman’s gloved finger in your vagina. Haha! We talked about my mental state, the fact I have been bronchial and sinus infection free this last winter, and the new man-friend. She, with a stern tone stated “It’s not the old one again? Better not be…”
I told her about my feb, hours lifting weights and doing cardio without result. The diminished sugar challenge and my effort to eat whole foods. I divulged my plan to see a naturopath and asked her if hormone imbalance sounded like it may be the culprit. She figured the naturopath was a good idea, but that I should be prepared for a diet of grass and snowballs. She is funny! We did a pap, and I requested a full STI panel, she added thyroid (hypo) as well, so now I need to find a lab in town. She did say that I looked really good, MUCH better than last year. The receptionist that weighs me before the appointment set the scale, cocked her head and said “you are heavier than you look!” As she had to add more weights, I think that’s a good thing.
I am getting a tax refund and have decided to invest it in myself, the dentist, the naturopath, maybe a new set of runners, and a $50 Starbucks credit, so I can reward my hard work with some blogging! Happy hump day all, I need to shower and get ready for my date!

Two sides to every coin. Or… Everyone has baggage….

I am putting the life of my iPad in potential peril. I’m bathtub blogging. That’s right, I’m naked right now. Why in the tub? Well, still on a less sugar challenge, I am finding it hard to set aside time to blog at home. Starbucks seems to be part of my creative process. Oh no… Am I a hipster? Maybe… I’ll have to find a slouchy toque, and skinny jeans. I do feel a lot of feelings….
Could be life has just been a little crazy the last couple weeks. The bath is also teeming with eucalyptus Epsom salts, and as hot as I can stand. Karma and I haven’t been as dedicated this month, but managed to fit in a good workout yesterday, my ass is sore, and then today I spent 6 hours in a cooler stacking beer. I’m sore and chilled. A list of things I should be doing, dishes, laundry, mopping my floor… But I think after this it’ll be bed and a movie.
I had a melt down last week. A quarter of a box of tissue, 8k run type of melt down. The sugar free challenge with my Ma kept me away from chocolate and Starbucks. Did you know you can whip coconut milk? And when added to flavoured herb tea, it’s pretty amazing!
So why the crying? Well… We all have baggage, and mine fell open and all the junk inside was scattered all over the platform, I had purchased a ticket for the crazy train. While waiting to board the train, my baggage spilled all over, unmentionables flapping in the wind, (I always pack them even tho I don’t wear them). Poor Goldlocks had hit the latch just so… Unknowingly unleashing all my neatly packed issues.
I have felt abandoned, many times in my life. My parents doted on us kids, treated us like adults, gave us plenty of time and attention. Not the “I’m doing the dishes while you talk to me,” but the make tea, sit down and actively listen type of attention. I’m not sure where or why I became needy… I felt cherished by one set of grandparents, but the other ones… Well some of the issues come from that. I would go out of my way to be helpful, visit, spend time, with no reciprocation. Maybe they knew I didn’t need them, maybe we are too alike, maybe they just never realized or thought about the disparaging difference in treatment? I don’t know. Makes me sensitive to empty promises, and ever changing plans. I spent 10 years in a relationship with a man who always came first. He didn’t ask what I wanted to do. And he often wouldn’t invite me along when he was doing something. He neatly compartmentalized his life into sections. Like a TV dinner tray, rigid plastic creating a barrier. Who knows what might happen if the peas TOUCH the meat?!! I know he loved me. But many times I felt like I was not a priority, not even in the top 5.
Goldy since being home, has been excessively busy, and time with him is a complicated orchestra of kids and work, plus my friends, work and gym schedule. I hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks. I immediately did the classic girl thing… Worst case scenario. Was he looking for a way out? Did I want to wait around for another man? I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I wanted to run away. The dating good or bad was giving me instant gratification. If a guy couldn’t meet me on my free time, someone else would! Maybe Goldy didn’t like the way I interacted with men like #13 (more on him in a bit…). I was ready to make a fast break, take the easy way out, run away. Physically and emotionally. Thank heavens for Cherise and Vanessa. Tough love from both of them, no polish, or skirting, they helped me realize I was overreacting. Goldy has some 6th sense as well, asking me if I was ok, and calling when I said it wasn’t a text conversation type problem. Intuitive, sweet, supportive, even when I was feeling crazy girl. He is amazing.
I vented, cried, ran, realized he is worth the squeeze, and the crazy train was probably going somewhere cold and gloomy. Returned my ticket, left my unmentionables to the wind and my baggage wide open on the platform. I don’t need that shit anyhow…
We arranged a night to hang out, and chatted. He has baggage too, different from mine, but equally heavy and cumbersome. After some communication I feel like he is worth a wait, there’s possibility, and running away would be a loss on my part. I was proud of myself for realizing (with help). What was making me upset, communicating my feelings, and asking for help to solve my problem. Hooray for personal growth!
I am thankful each day for my amazing friends and family. Supportive, loving, texts, phone calls, time. Life would be dull and dim without you. Candace, Karma and Miss E called and texted to check up on me, a little “vague-booking” tipped them off to my wavering state. S came over for some wine and a chat. Thank you. Everyone should be so lucky!
Miss E had a weekend away for work, she hit it off with one co-worker, and they started chatting about their lives. Well, it’s a small world, and it turns out, Miss E made friends with #13’s ex wife.
She brilliantly put it all together at dinner. The other side of the coin paints a very different picture of the marriage. I think this is a classic karma situation. Highly entertaining really. I didn’t give him enough credit, I though he had a bare honest quality, all the while he was weaving an elaborate web of half truths. Another example of trusting your instincts, and having faith the universe unfolds as it should!
I’m all pruned now and my bath is cold. Time for bed!

I’m sweet enough already

I wrote about sabotaging myself with sweets, my mother valiantly stepped up to join me on a 2 week mini challenge. Cut out the sugar, for 14 glorious days. Not a terribly long time, and we finish our challenge when my Dad is slated to retire. Obviously we will have to celebrate, both our sugar-less success and the much anticipated retirement with an ice cream cake. I’m interested in how I will feel. I have done a wild rose cleanse, and calorie counting quite often is a sugar reduced diet. This isn’t honestly too intense. There is added sugar in nearly everything we eat, and things like bread and milk are quite high in carbs, this is simply a cut out of the obvious. No mini eggs, chocolate or candy. No syrup laden lattes. So instead of chilling at Starbucks I am cozied up at home drinking David’s tea with honey. (Honey is ok).
We started last Tuesday, I made an appointment with the naturopath for the first week in April, I just feel a little off, hopefully she can help. I went to work, not feeling great and got a few things done, but decided home to bed was my most productive option for the day. I slept 4 hours in the afternoon.
Wednesday was a down day for me, Goldylocks told me he wasn’t available most of the week. I’ll write more on that later… But not feeling 100% physically I would have fought someone for a peanut butter cup. Down and dirty, in the mud, hair pulling, punch throwing, street fight style. For a chocolate bar… This tells me, I have more aggression than I thought I did, and I obviously have a sugar addiction.
As the week has gone on, my intense desire has slowly diminished, I would have loved a Starbucks yesterday, and Saturday, but resisted. Went to David’s Tea for a latte made with honey.

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I was also attacked by some insect in my sleep, sporting bites on my right shoulder and ass cheek, again, I must be delicious, sweet enough already. I needed to vent some of my aggression and managed to get in a couple 8k runs in, it’s nice having that extra hour of daylight. The longer runs and a few days with less sugar, I feel thin, I think my belly roll is smaller, we will see come Friday!

How is it I have no time?

I have lots to write about… But am at work. Stay posted I’m going to talk about, going sugar free, changing up workouts, the desire to run (physically and emotionally), the decision to have, or have not kids, and drowning in the shallow end of the dating scene. Here’s a picture… This was last September, and this morning. All I see is my back up chin, and that crazy long hair… It’s gotta go…

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Listen all a y’all… It’s SABOTOGE!

I am a sly sneaky master of SABOTOGE. I plot, I scheme, I strategize. Unfortunately, it’s self sabotage. I am the one left holding the bag. Or the box of Kleenex.
I spent hours last month in the gym, hours in the kitchen, and I still ate mini eggs, had too much sugar, and pretty much killed my chance at success. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it sounds like, from articles I’ve read and the research I’ve done, my hormones are messed up. Finding the funds to visit a naturopath would do me a world of good. Or maybe I go back on the pill? It isn’t just diet where I have this problem.
For years I stayed with a man who made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. As a defence I started making plans without him, kept myself busy. The thinking behind this was that if I was out doing stuff, it wouldn’t sting as much when he wouldn’t invite me out, or make time for me. It didn’t work. But I still find myself doing it. Goldylocks is home from work, I assumed that he would have his bears all week. So, I made plans, I had a party to attend, a couple days at big white, and then I noticed I scheduled myself at work an extra day. Assuming never works out… I was busy early in the week while he was not, then I had to cancel our tentative plans later in the week because I had to work. Him being home he doesn’t have as much time to text me, and I feel all round shitty about it. It’s hard to be patient. Hard to keep confidence that things will unfold as they should. Hard to remember that 3 months of texting is not a relationship in real life, and there is no guarantee (ever really) that this will develop into real life. Hard to remember that he is not my ex, and his reason for being busy is the best reason.
So no visible success on my challenge, and a romantic stall out on top of the fore mentioned hormonal imbalance, and a lack of sleep early in the week, I feel down.

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I need this to say I have no time for MY negative bullshit.

On the upside, I should be able to outsmart myself out of this sabotage cycle. Recognize what I’m doing and stop plotting. Take a deep breath and know I’ll be ok, if I don’t lose a single ounce, if I have to go back to dating, if I need to start over. I am strong, and determined, smart, and people tell me I’m pretty, that should get my by for a bit…

20 hours

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Measured, neck bust and hip are all the same as a month ago. My waist went up half an inch (bet it’s from all that beer), along with my biceps and calfs (working out), my thighs went down half an inch (squats!). I put my scale behind my washing machine, it was taunting me and making me crazy. I think I look exactly the same as I did a month ago. But then today I posted my best time ever for a 10k. I was only intending to do 5, but the sunshine and 2 cupcakes waiting in my fridge motivated me to do 10. I know the weights have gotten heavier, and the workouts tougher, but I don’t see drastic improvement. It all comes down to diet! However with a healthy dose of self deprecation who knows if I would see it anyhow.
I had a mini challenge to do 30 min of cardio every day in feb. it wasn’t difficult to make it happen, and even extend it to 45 or an hour…
I kept track of some things…
Last month I spent 20 hours doing cardio.
I spent 20 hours lifting weights.
I spent 20 hours cooking, low fat, whole food dishes, I tried 6 new recipes.
I did 60 sets of 20 ab exercises.
I spent approx 20 hours texting Goldylocks.
I spent $20 buying new music on iTunes.

I need to find more time to blog…

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I am being neglectful…

I measured at 4 this morning, have been doing some thinking about what I’ll write… Just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in my day. I WILL post tomorrow…

mid week fun

I am on a work trip. It’s a pretty sweet deal… Okanagan spring has an annual ski party, I’m not sure how I managed to luck out and get an invite? But I’ll take it. Two nights and one day, of a whole lot of beer drinking. They have been so kind as to provide accommodations, lifts, rentals, tubing, food and beer. So aside from gratuities and the baileys for our coffee… This is one of the first times I’ve taken something like this for myself, usually I give stuff to staff or customers. Silly me! We checked in Monday night, had dinner at the pub, and drank a handful of beer tickets worth of beer. Danced a little and watched the tomfoolery unfold. Being used to up early, bed early, by midnight I was drunk and ready for bed. I saw some pictures of the end of the night it was like a Harlem shake, everyone shirtless and gyrating like maniacs… I’m not sorry I missed it! Haha.
I didn’t get much sleep the first night as there was luggage cart races? Or something that sounded like it, going on in the hallway at 4 am. I would have ventured out to join in, but was deterred by the prospect of having to wear pants. I suck at sleeping in, so by 8 am was up.
The day has been a pile of fun. My ex wasn’t a fan of snow sports, before him I skied, snowboarded, went sledding, even skated. He would do none of those things with me, so I gave up on them. Karma and I went for breakfast, geared up, and went down to rent equipment. Outfitted and feeling awkward we snowplowed down a couple green runs, took the kids chair with and adorable kiwi kid, maybe 4 or 5, who kept us entertained on the ride up. A couple runs in we were felling more comfortable, and tackled a handful of green runs. I really enjoyed it. We lunched and had a beer, but opted out of the server races and skating, with a recently dislocated/sprained thumb I feel I wouldn’t be in top serving form. Instead we hit the hill for a couple more runs. We did a blue run and I successfully bailed, really was a good day.
We headed back to the room for a little nap and possible hot tub, but the Tom foolery had already started in the pool area. We had a beer and a couple appies “apre ski” but snuck out and back up to the room for a little wine drinking and relaxing. I have a hard time dealing with the entitlement and destructive mentality of many young industry people. Fuelled by alcohol and no repercussions for their actions, they bug me. At first I thought it may be because I’m getting older, but I’ve always been like this. I hold myself to a higher level of acceptable behaviour. You can party hard, and have fun, but if you fly just under the radar you stay out of trouble, no one sees your devil horns because they are dazzled by your cherub smile.
We donned our snow gear and headed down for dinner, and tubing, an insane amount of fun! We gave away our beer tickets to the service staff, 22 beer tickets each seemed a little excessive. Obviously many people had taken advantage of their tickets plus shooters and caesar’s. I had my flask in my snow pants, I think there is a pocket made just for it, but… I don’t need to drink to have fun! Again we snuck out and headed to the room there was a DJ/dance party and the lodge but we knew we only had a few hours of quiet before everyone got back to the hotel and started acting like apes. Right on schedule 1 am the yelling screaming and banging started. I luckily am entertained by drunks, some winner conversations drifting under the door! I had to stifle my laughter to not wake Karma who luckily slept thru most of it. I was tempted to start knocking on some doors at 7:30 am to invite them on our snowshoe…. Haha… I did have a moment where I considered heading out into the hallway to mess with the drunks, there was a time not so long ago when I would need to be the centre of attention. I realized I did not want any of the attention, positive or negative I may get from the drunks. I don’t even want to dabble with flirting, I really like Goldy, still having been nothing but impressed by him.
We were up early to eat and fit in a snowshoe before heading home, winter sports, I like them… Amazing!

Internet dating, it’s supposed to be fun.

It’s hard to type, I tripped at work, and managed to do a number on the thumb on my left hand, slightly swollen a little tender, and a rainbow of bruise hues. I didn’t go to a dr, only because I would have had to fill out a pile of WCB forms, as a patient and as an employer…I’m lazy, don’t judge me. I self diagnosed with the help of the Internet, and my wife the nurse. Thanks Van!
Ok. Internet dating. It’s a funny thing how the universe transpires to send us messages, I had decided this morning, today I would sit and write this, and match sent me a couple articles on profile key words and deal breakers. Funny…
My foremost recommendation, dating isn’t easy, but it should be fun. I am an advocate of having your own ducks in a row first. Physical, emotional, financial and mental health, will never be perfect, but working on one or all of those readies you for a relationship. One of the articles I read today mentioned “Neediness” as a deal breaker for a majority of the population.
Know what you want, having a good self realization of who you are helps this along. Make a list, leave it alone a few days, make another list and compare, do the same in a few weeks or months… Compare results, looking for items that make all the lists! Be aware of things you are and are not willing to compromise on. I made the mistake of compromising on a BIG one (kids) and I wouldn’t say regret, but lament the decision.
Love yourself. Sounds so clich√©. It has to happen. No one can treat you better than you should treat yourself. Eat well, sleep, shower, talk to friends, exercise. Be happy with you. Set a standard and don’t waiver. Recognize when you are not being treated in a loving and caring fashion! (This includes treating yourself poorly). I strongly advocate “loving yourself” in a literal sense as well…. As if anyone is surprised…. Haha.
So you have yourself in order, you feel good, dammit you look good too! You know what you are looking for, now for the how and when already!
Be SAFE! It is scary out there, set up an email address that does not include your personal information. Never ever have a first date pick you up or come to your house. Don’t give out too much information regarding habits, employment or living alone. Always ensure someone knows who you are with, and when they can expect you home, where you are going. Have an emergency or escape plan. Don’t drink too much, leave a drink un attended, get into a car, go to a secluded area. Listen to your instinct. If someone makes you feel the least bit uneasy, creeped out in any way, no matter how small, LISTEN to that feeling and end the date. You need to foremost look out for your personal safety. Often we dismiss that feel as nerves or over reaction, please don’t, feelings are generally spot on.
What dating site? Well shop around, look for deals, free weekends and ask around. If you are using a free service you usually have to filter out a little more crazy. If you are on multiple sites you will see a number of the same people.
Writing your profile. Be clear, concise about what you are looking for. Be honest. Try to be positive, it’s far more attractive, confidence, the opposite sex likes it. Enlist the help of friends or family, they often pick out things you wouldn’t. If you are funny, be funny! Don’t be if you aren’t, you can’t force that. I think that you want to give a general overview about you, but don’t strip away all the mystery, that’s what IM’s and first dates are for. Plus I have found via text/email and IM people are better liars! They can edit the creep n crazy.
Once you are written… Check it over! Spelling and grammar, not just a big deal for English teachers, drives me CRAZY. Some messages I wanted to mark in red and send back for correction. Not a good first impression. Maybe it’s just me…
Pictures. I was going for 40 dates, luckily I am reasonable attractive so having my picture up got me a volume of traffic and attention. Again honesty is important, post a current picture, and a full body shot. Love your dog? Sure… Add a picture or two, but one fuzzy picture of you and 18 of your pet is a little concerning. We have already talked about cock shots, maybe ease into those racy pics… Now posting an old picture is ok if you look like that still. Not if you THINK you still look like that! Get it? Some argue that people just judge the picture. This is absolutely true, but it happens in real life interactions as well. Someone shallow and vapid wouldn’t be any less quick to judge in person vs online. Some people aren’t photogenic, take that into consideration. Some people are more attractive in 3d! If you are not comfortable displaying your picture, don’t! You can send them privately at request.
I strongly suggest setting parameters, age restrictions, casual encounters etc. it will diminish the time wasting emailing. I have only one use for a 22 year old, and it’s not likely life long and meaningful.
One of the complaints I had from men was that I was an exception. I replied to every email I got, even if it was to say “no thanks”. I was eager to meet (trying to hit 40), not like most girls. I try to live compassionately, so if someone took the time to message me I would take the time to reply, because if the roles were reversed I would appreciate that. I rarely initiated contact though, I let them come to me.
I did experience that someone with a great profile and picture wasn’t always great in real life, and the opposite was true as well. Someone not your “type” might be surprise you with amazing chemistry, or realization of qualities you never would have noticed otherwise. I guess my advice is keep an open mind, you never know. Sometimes second or third dates are vital before you decide if someone is for you. Unless they make you feel “icky”…
Happy dating! Remember it should be fun! Mostly anyways…