I am a sly sneaky master of SABOTOGE. I plot, I scheme, I strategize. Unfortunately, it’s self sabotage. I am the one left holding the bag. Or the box of Kleenex.
I spent hours last month in the gym, hours in the kitchen, and I still ate mini eggs, had too much sugar, and pretty much killed my chance at success. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it sounds like, from articles I’ve read and the research I’ve done, my hormones are messed up. Finding the funds to visit a naturopath would do me a world of good. Or maybe I go back on the pill? It isn’t just diet where I have this problem.
For years I stayed with a man who made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. As a defence I started making plans without him, kept myself busy. The thinking behind this was that if I was out doing stuff, it wouldn’t sting as much when he wouldn’t invite me out, or make time for me. It didn’t work. But I still find myself doing it. Goldylocks is home from work, I assumed that he would have his bears all week. So, I made plans, I had a party to attend, a couple days at big white, and then I noticed I scheduled myself at work an extra day. Assuming never works out… I was busy early in the week while he was not, then I had to cancel our tentative plans later in the week because I had to work. Him being home he doesn’t have as much time to text me, and I feel all round shitty about it. It’s hard to be patient. Hard to keep confidence that things will unfold as they should. Hard to remember that 3 months of texting is not a relationship in real life, and there is no guarantee (ever really) that this will develop into real life. Hard to remember that he is not my ex, and his reason for being busy is the best reason.
So no visible success on my challenge, and a romantic stall out on top of the fore mentioned hormonal imbalance, and a lack of sleep early in the week, I feel down.
I need this to say I have no time for MY negative bullshit.
On the upside, I should be able to outsmart myself out of this sabotage cycle. Recognize what I’m doing and stop plotting. Take a deep breath and know I’ll be ok, if I don’t lose a single ounce, if I have to go back to dating, if I need to start over. I am strong, and determined, smart, and people tell me I’m pretty, that should get my by for a bit…