Listen all a y’all… It’s SABOTOGE!

I am a sly sneaky master of SABOTOGE. I plot, I scheme, I strategize. Unfortunately, it’s self sabotage. I am the one left holding the bag. Or the box of Kleenex.
I spent hours last month in the gym, hours in the kitchen, and I still ate mini eggs, had too much sugar, and pretty much killed my chance at success. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, it sounds like, from articles I’ve read and the research I’ve done, my hormones are messed up. Finding the funds to visit a naturopath would do me a world of good. Or maybe I go back on the pill? It isn’t just diet where I have this problem.
For years I stayed with a man who made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. As a defence I started making plans without him, kept myself busy. The thinking behind this was that if I was out doing stuff, it wouldn’t sting as much when he wouldn’t invite me out, or make time for me. It didn’t work. But I still find myself doing it. Goldylocks is home from work, I assumed that he would have his bears all week. So, I made plans, I had a party to attend, a couple days at big white, and then I noticed I scheduled myself at work an extra day. Assuming never works out… I was busy early in the week while he was not, then I had to cancel our tentative plans later in the week because I had to work. Him being home he doesn’t have as much time to text me, and I feel all round shitty about it. It’s hard to be patient. Hard to keep confidence that things will unfold as they should. Hard to remember that 3 months of texting is not a relationship in real life, and there is no guarantee (ever really) that this will develop into real life. Hard to remember that he is not my ex, and his reason for being busy is the best reason.
So no visible success on my challenge, and a romantic stall out on top of the fore mentioned hormonal imbalance, and a lack of sleep early in the week, I feel down.


I need this to say I have no time for MY negative bullshit.

On the upside, I should be able to outsmart myself out of this sabotage cycle. Recognize what I’m doing and stop plotting. Take a deep breath and know I’ll be ok, if I don’t lose a single ounce, if I have to go back to dating, if I need to start over. I am strong, and determined, smart, and people tell me I’m pretty, that should get my by for a bit…


3 thoughts on “Listen all a y’all… It’s SABOTOGE!

  1. NolaM says:

    OK… lets do the sugarless challenge.
    That means… no toxic frankensugar either.
    Just honey if you have to. For 2 weeks… I can do 2 weeks… maybe.
    This is going to be interesting… as I crunch my wintergreen candy…

  2. NolaM says:

    You know… I am feeling better already…I mentioned this to your father last night.
    He was happy to give me a second opinion and he said I felt FINE…
    He used some fairly unique testing techniques and equipment….
    And it was strikingly familiar to previous ‘testing’ for other ‘feelings’.
    When I pointed this out? He says it is a developed skill more than a science.
    I hid my sugar dumper on the top shelf and hid the candy stash.
    Went commando on my Almonds and am eating my nuts nekid with No chocolate….

    Although yesterday at coffee… I had to lick all the glaze off my donut before I ate it.
    Then gagged down my coffee with double cream. It’s just wrong…sigh.
    It was so bad I had a second cup so I could feel sorry for myself all the way home…
    Then I got walking around the garden and clean forgot to pout. What a waste. Headshake.
    I’m a failure at maintaining misery… of course… I smuggled a donut for Art in my pocket.
    Every arm pump gave me tantalizing whiff of glaze. I must’a looked like a speed walker.

    Only 8 more shifts…our last 2 weeks of afternoon shift coming up. Yippee!
    We may have to celebrate this sugar free/retirement thing with Ice cream cake… you in?
    What? I thought the whole point of being good was so that you can sabotage yourself later.
    Keep doing something logical? hmmmn… I’ll check to see if we can get a permit for that.
    I think there is a quota… only a certain number of smart moves allowed in a year?
    There must be a reason why people keep doing stupid things that are self destructive.

    I’ll get your father to research that after he retires. He has already started a to do list.
    Wants to know if it is too late to start a mid-life crises or too early for second childhood?
    How would I know? Innocent blinking…

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