Two sides to every coin. Or… Everyone has baggage….

I am putting the life of my iPad in potential peril. I’m bathtub blogging. That’s right, I’m naked right now. Why in the tub? Well, still on a less sugar challenge, I am finding it hard to set aside time to blog at home. Starbucks seems to be part of my creative process. Oh no… Am I a hipster? Maybe… I’ll have to find a slouchy toque, and skinny jeans. I do feel a lot of feelings….
Could be life has just been a little crazy the last couple weeks. The bath is also teeming with eucalyptus Epsom salts, and as hot as I can stand. Karma and I haven’t been as dedicated this month, but managed to fit in a good workout yesterday, my ass is sore, and then today I spent 6 hours in a cooler stacking beer. I’m sore and chilled. A list of things I should be doing, dishes, laundry, mopping my floor… But I think after this it’ll be bed and a movie.
I had a melt down last week. A quarter of a box of tissue, 8k run type of melt down. The sugar free challenge with my Ma kept me away from chocolate and Starbucks. Did you know you can whip coconut milk? And when added to flavoured herb tea, it’s pretty amazing!
So why the crying? Well… We all have baggage, and mine fell open and all the junk inside was scattered all over the platform, I had purchased a ticket for the crazy train. While waiting to board the train, my baggage spilled all over, unmentionables flapping in the wind, (I always pack them even tho I don’t wear them). Poor Goldlocks had hit the latch just so… Unknowingly unleashing all my neatly packed issues.
I have felt abandoned, many times in my life. My parents doted on us kids, treated us like adults, gave us plenty of time and attention. Not the “I’m doing the dishes while you talk to me,” but the make tea, sit down and actively listen type of attention. I’m not sure where or why I became needy… I felt cherished by one set of grandparents, but the other ones… Well some of the issues come from that. I would go out of my way to be helpful, visit, spend time, with no reciprocation. Maybe they knew I didn’t need them, maybe we are too alike, maybe they just never realized or thought about the disparaging difference in treatment? I don’t know. Makes me sensitive to empty promises, and ever changing plans. I spent 10 years in a relationship with a man who always came first. He didn’t ask what I wanted to do. And he often wouldn’t invite me along when he was doing something. He neatly compartmentalized his life into sections. Like a TV dinner tray, rigid plastic creating a barrier. Who knows what might happen if the peas TOUCH the meat?!! I know he loved me. But many times I felt like I was not a priority, not even in the top 5.
Goldy since being home, has been excessively busy, and time with him is a complicated orchestra of kids and work, plus my friends, work and gym schedule. I hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks. I immediately did the classic girl thing… Worst case scenario. Was he looking for a way out? Did I want to wait around for another man? I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. I wanted to run away. The dating good or bad was giving me instant gratification. If a guy couldn’t meet me on my free time, someone else would! Maybe Goldy didn’t like the way I interacted with men like #13 (more on him in a bit…). I was ready to make a fast break, take the easy way out, run away. Physically and emotionally. Thank heavens for Cherise and Vanessa. Tough love from both of them, no polish, or skirting, they helped me realize I was overreacting. Goldy has some 6th sense as well, asking me if I was ok, and calling when I said it wasn’t a text conversation type problem. Intuitive, sweet, supportive, even when I was feeling crazy girl. He is amazing.
I vented, cried, ran, realized he is worth the squeeze, and the crazy train was probably going somewhere cold and gloomy. Returned my ticket, left my unmentionables to the wind and my baggage wide open on the platform. I don’t need that shit anyhow…
We arranged a night to hang out, and chatted. He has baggage too, different from mine, but equally heavy and cumbersome. After some communication I feel like he is worth a wait, there’s possibility, and running away would be a loss on my part. I was proud of myself for realizing (with help). What was making me upset, communicating my feelings, and asking for help to solve my problem. Hooray for personal growth!
I am thankful each day for my amazing friends and family. Supportive, loving, texts, phone calls, time. Life would be dull and dim without you. Candace, Karma and Miss E called and texted to check up on me, a little “vague-booking” tipped them off to my wavering state. S came over for some wine and a chat. Thank you. Everyone should be so lucky!
Miss E had a weekend away for work, she hit it off with one co-worker, and they started chatting about their lives. Well, it’s a small world, and it turns out, Miss E made friends with #13’s ex wife.
She brilliantly put it all together at dinner. The other side of the coin paints a very different picture of the marriage. I think this is a classic karma situation. Highly entertaining really. I didn’t give him enough credit, I though he had a bare honest quality, all the while he was weaving an elaborate web of half truths. Another example of trusting your instincts, and having faith the universe unfolds as it should!
I’m all pruned now and my bath is cold. Time for bed!


One thought on “Two sides to every coin. Or… Everyone has baggage….

  1. Vanessa says:

    Good read! Life is an evolutionary process. and sometimes we have to break in order to rebuild. This rollercoaster of learning to trust and love again is hella scary, i know, but you’re a courageous and fiesty little thing. you will ride it out and i have no doubts it will be worth it. love you always.

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