Monthly Archives: April 2013

crumbling under the pressure

If I were coal, the month of April would have turned me into a diamond, funny thing is, I was a diamond, and what happens when you put them under pressure? I don’t know, Wikipedia didn’t have an answer… I would imagine under prolonged and excessive pressure one would crumble, become dust.
By the end of last week, working everyday, longs days and even a double (had someone leave a note claiming it was too stressful, and they quit… then snuck out the back door) I was feeling shattered. Honestly all I wanted to do was sit by myself, and cry. Goldylocks had invited me camping and to meet the kids, and I was equally anxious and excited. As it turned out, he was anxious about it, I could tell, he seemed to avoid me most of last week. I felt like the timing wasn’t right, especially not feeling like myself. Kids are intuitive, so a stressed me couldn’t leave the best impression. I gracefully? Bowed out assuring him that he needed to be sure about me before I met the kids. I was relieved, and hurt, and angry, seemingly all at once. I decided on a solo road trip to get out of cell service and take some regrouping time. I packed a bag, gassed up the car, and headed out with no destination or agenda. I ended up in the kootneys based on 2 things, I had forgotten my passport and hadn’t bought travel insurance, and had packed sweats, house pants and no makeup in my over night bag. So seattle, spokane or vancouver were out.
I blasted some music, sang along, stopped in every town to pee and get snacks. I ate gummy candies, almonds, beef jerky and drank 3L of water. I stopped where I wanted to read the roadside point of interest signs, rolled down my windows and let the wind snarl up my hair. I smoked a cigar, a watermelon blunt that had been in my drawer for 10 months. I immediately regretted it, sore throat and my car reeking of cigar. I decompressed, I cried. It took a couple hours before I realized why I was feeling angry and sad.
I was the first mate on a ship full of empty promises and searing disappointments. A ship that I thought had sank with my ex. I felt like Goldy changing his mind about meeting the kids was, him not being sure about how he felt about me. I realized that being left behind makes me feel like I am not good enough. I often felt like my ex was ashamed of me, or that there was something wrong with me that precipitated never being invited. I felt abandoned. And I have big heavy baggage about it. My first response feeling abandoned on top of being stressed was to run away. push him away, I was cold and short with him, dismissing his attempts at chatting. He didn’t give up on me, checking in via text all weekend. He is an amazing guy. Once I realized why I felt like I did I still couldn’t seem to turn off the bitch. It’s also a pattern for me to plan and fill my time after being uninvited to distract? Or maybe to make it feel like I couldn’t go on my terms instead of being rejected. I committed late last week to something every day but wednesday this week. Don’t want to see me? That’s fine, I don’t have time for you anyways… real mature Holley…
I’m skipping out on a wine show tonight to have some blog time, and I snuck out of work early too.
I need to have an adult conversation with Goldy about how I felt, now the trick will be finding the time, sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it… Could I live the life of a happy bachelor? Maybe I should try the year of the whore, I had lots of great and some tragic stories from dating. Maybe I should buy a car and pack it up, move to another town and start over? See what’s happening? I am considering running away… It is unfurling like the pages of a pop up book, in black and white right there in front of you. I didn’t fear commitment before? Maybe this is a result of staying too long and trying too hard on a relationship that wasn’t working… now at the first sight of hard times, or stormy weather I’m ready to jump ship? I would be missing out, giving up on a good thing. Adult conversation, has to happen.
My trip turned into a mash up of some favourite things. I went to visit Libby, we went for dinner where I had a steak with bernaise and seafood. The carnival was in town so we went on some rides, screaming and giggling, a good session on the bumper cars too. We went to the strippers, I drank bourbon. We had a good visit and sleepover. In the morning we went to hot yoga, and then out for breakfast. Libs friend and her daughter joined us, I got to play with a preciously adorable 2 1/2 year old. We drank tea and sat in the sun, it was relaxed and easy, I could focus on what was going on with Libs and get out of my own head. I drove thru the rocky mountains on the way home, windows down so my car was filled with fresh air. drinking coffee out of a honey jar and singing along to the pounding stereo.
I was home later saturday night, and my plan was to clean my catastrophe of an apartment, but I slept in, till nearly 11! Amazing, I went grocery shopping, cleaned my car and fixed my dishwasher. Managed to get all my laundry washed and dried, now I just need to fold it!

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That pile was in my bathroom! Dirty… Hahaha…
Things are looking up, I hired 4 new people at work and they will be fine if I don’t go in a few days, I can’t get to that point again, I don’t do anyone any good. I will not run away, but I will go for run… Libs gave me some new kicks!

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How do I like thee? Let me count the ways…

I keep saying I can’t find a thing about Goldylocks I don’t like. This is still absolutely true, but I have stopped looking for the negatives, instead I would like to share with all of you the things about him I like, even negatives are positive for me. So, in no particular order…
He drinks tea, looseleaf, he has a fancy tea infuser and a variety of turquoise and silver bags from Davids tea. One of the limited number of things I liked about moving to penticton.
He isn’t a big drinker, a little bit of a lightweight, and it’s perfect! It doesn’t take many drinks, and he feels ill, and wants to go to sleep. When he goes to bed after a few drinks he makes fortress of blankets and pillows, burrowing in to pass out. While drunk he is frank, friendly and so so funny. He makes friends everywhere he goes.
He isn’t a picky eater, if he doesn’t like something he will eat it, and even have seconds, (he has a story of choking down a meal, only to have the host pile another serving on…) We like the same things, same kind of cereal and pizza. He eats healthy, but isn’t a fanatic.
He doesn’t love the gym, but goes regularly.
He has the perfect amount of chest hair, not too much, not too little. He is clean and always smells good, Brushes his teeth with considerable force, they are squeaky clean! He is well groomed, trimmed beard, hair cut.
He isn’t overly concerned with clothes. Doesn’t need $600 shirts or 35 pairs of shoes, he has nice things, but isn’t a “fashionista”
His garage is organized, tools are put away, hardware is labeled and organized, everything has a place. I think a man that takes care of his tools is sooooooo sexy. He has tools, and knows how to use them. He is good at man things, and mechanically inclined.
He doesn’t smoke, or do drugs, but doesn’t harsh on someone else for doing it, not a judger.
His vehicles are maintained, and clean, driving with him you feel safe. He is a great driver, and not being a big drinker does a lot of driving.
He is polite, kind and compassionate. He remembers to ask about my day, or things going on. More intuitive than he gives himself credit for, he seems to sense distress, anxiety and when I say thinks are “O.K” that really aren’t. I am making an effort to admit to myself and subsequently to him when things aren’t ok… I feel like I can express how I feel without scaring him off.
He loves his mother, both his parents, and appreciates everything they do and have done for him. He is a family man, close to his parents and siblings, as well as, from what I can tell a great Dad. He makes an effort to visit his grandfather regularly.
Rarely does he say an unkind word about his ex. They have a working relationship and full shared custody, not something I would imagine is easy. He is protective of his girls, and how they feel and perceive things. His kids come first.
He is gainfully employed, and from what I can tell good at his job. Fiscal responsibility is so sexy!
Holds himself to a high standard, admitted that there were things he could have done better in his relationship, he is extremely hard on himself to be the best and the brightest. He is an over achiever, but modest about his successes. Seems like he is making an effort to learn from mistakes. Personal growth is also impressive.
His house is clean, sometimes he claims it’s messy, but a single dad of 3, it’s allowed! Again holding himself to a high standard.
I was over there one day and I could hear this scratching and jumping in the corner, I walked over and looked, there was a field mouse in the garbage can. Instead of killing it, he took it out to the edge of the driveway and let it go. likely it’ll be back in the garage before too long, but that kindness toward animals, even pests is admirable.
He contributes equally, brings over dinner, initiates text contact and is aware of making plans with me. He has met a few friends here and there, he is engaging, personable without stealing the spotlight, and has managed to find conversation topics, young and old. Really a delight to take places, no need for babysitting or corner sitting.
He is a solid stand up guy. I am enriched by having spent time with him.

Flailing and failing

I am shutting down. Working every day, I am beat. Been 2 weeks since I’ve been to the gym with any regularity, and the blog has obviously suffered along with most of my personal relationships. I get a few minutes to myself, and I want to go to bed. My house is a mess, laundry has overtaken my washroom, going pee takes skill, the options are a) leap into the pile, praying a dirty dishrag doesn’t stick to you, and roll out into a triple pike. Sing a triumphant “ta-da” and pee, or b) shuffle thru the pile kicking it out of the way like a pile of leaves, clearing a pathway for exit. I know A sounds like more fun, but with my delicate knee, it’s been more often an option B. I finally unloaded my dishwasher last night, only to immediately re-fill and run it from the smelly pile of dishes in the sink. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped, I have to wipe my feet off before I can lotion them and put on socks. (I have an odd habit, I slather up my feet with lotion every morning before putting on socks and shoes. I have for years, probably because waitressing is so hard on your feet and this would be a foot rub, although self administered every day.)
Despite 2 weeks without the gym, I haven’t found time to clean. I work 7-9 hours 5 days a week normally, but I’ve also been covering cash, till and doing some training the last 3 weeks while one of my coworkers was off injured (cat bite, more serious that it sounds!) It’s been the normal hours, plus 3-8 hours on the rest of the days of the week. This extra spurt of hours would be bearable if I wasn’t a salary manager. I’m dying, and not padding my bank account in any way.
Extra hours, injured knee, so lacking exercise endorphins, I have not felt like myself. I don’t want to call, or visit, or do anything. I finally understand my mothers fascination/love of a cabin in the woods. No Internet, no TV, no phone. Maybe a book, a chocolate cake, and a down duvet. I could sleep for a week.
I feel like I am failing myself, doing everything right on paper, but still gaining 20lbs since January is really hard on me. What am I doing wrong? Clean eating, daily exercise and no sugar, and vi shakes in feb and march, but still a gain. Measurements have stayed mostly the same despite my gain, except my waist, up 3 inches! Some would insist it’s muscle, but I don’t feel awesome, and its all around my belly, I think it’s hormones, female and stress. I have to make an effort to not just throw in the towel and give up.
I did my hormone test last Thursday 7-10 days for results, so then I’ll know if some of my suspicion has been warranted. I did the 2 tube test. You get up in the morning don’t eat or brush your teeth, and within half an hour of waking collect your saliva in a little tube. Well, when you first look at it it’s little. 10ml, and you only need to fill it 3/4 of the way. 7ml took much longer to collect than I thought. A solid 25 min for me to fill my spit tube, sitting on my half-a-couch. I took measurements, and filled out the questionnaire, and then enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal with cherries and almonds. The noon panel was a little easier, I filled it to the required level, and took it down to the naturopath to send away

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The next day I was supposed to start cortrex supplements, 10 per day! Mostly B vitamins, some C and folic acid. 5 in the morning, 5 at noon, and then slowly diminish the count by one per day after 5 days until I’m taking 2 per day. Means I have the pill box of a 90 year old. But… If this helps, it is totally worth it!

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I am at a high risk of depression, and an even higher risk of being as asshole. When I am on the verge of a melt down, scheduling, time management, patience, and compassion dissolve. I just want to sit by myself. I don’t return calls, I avoid girl dates and activities, I become awful at thinking of anyone but myself. My poor parents had to endure a 30 min vent on the drive to my grandparents house, I probably wasn’t a complete downer comparatively to most, but I was feeling negative for me. And I want to cry again, mostly for no reason. Ok, stress is a reason… But I’ve stopped carrying Kleenex around everywhere I go. So if I’ve been a bad communicator, or been selfish, I’m sorry, I realize, and will improve.
I’m thankful for my family and family of friends, for Goldylocks is so excessively amazing, and to have some answers soon!

I feel fluffy

I am not sure fluffy is the right word. I feel like rising bread, like muffin batter. I feet fat. When I look in the mirror my back up chin is jumping out, stealing the spotlight. I know this feeling is just that, a feeling. A result of too much coffee and sugar the last couple days, high stress level from working everyday. Too much time spent in my head fretting about things. And taking 4 days off from the gym for my puffy swollen knee makes me feel sluggish and slow.
I feel off. And I need a few days to myself. Away from work. Unfortunately I have another couple weeks before that can happen. I don’t love my job right now, if not for my boss being fabulous and the perks I get, I’d be out the door. I day dream about being a dirt bag, couch surfing and driving a 86 tercel. Spending my days snow shoeing or dog walking. Maybe gardening… Cherise asked me yesterday at lunch what I wanted to be, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I want to be nothing right now, I’m shutting down. Maybe a trophy wife was my answer, but today the thought of that sounds exhausting too.
I have a handful of pills I take every day,and it looks like I am peeing out an alien, bright yellow, my kidneys are working overtime, and I need to drink more water.
The naturopath, is one of the most kind and loving people I have ever come across. She rivals my yoga teacher in Kelowna for a gentle light about her. I filled out a booklet of questions before my appointment. It’s hard to think about a multitude of symptoms and their context to the problem at hand. Having never been to a naturopath before, or to her specifically she wanted to know about my life, emotional and mental health being as part of a physical whole. On the booklet of paperwork it asked height and weight. Being friends off with my scale for a couple months I stepped on at the gym before my appointment. I nearly threw up, right there, on the scale at the gym! 190. I weigh 190lbs. Good god. Yes it was mid day, yes it was after a workout, yes it was after fest of ales and a night of beer drinking. But the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat, I muttered to myself as I stepped off… 190 holy fuck…. I can’t believe it…
Karma was there taking pictures for her trainer, “what is your problem!??” I’m just pacing in the change room mumbling and fretting about a number. My clothes still fit, I went 2 weeks with no coffee, less sugar, ate clean, exercised daily, and still gained. I am despairing about the earths gravitational pull on my body and self pity is starting to set in. Karma just shook her head at me, I should know better than to step on the scale. So on my way, I’m already ready to cry and I haven’t even started giving her the “readers digest” story of my life the last 3 years.
I used an hour of her time, and a half of a box of her tissues. We went thru the questionnaire, she made notes, did a sacro-cranium exam (sort of tickled, I was crying and giggling simultaneously).
The end result was an agreement that a hormone imbalance may very well be an issue. I walked out of there with a new multi vitamin, a couple supplements, a tiny little tube of homeopathic remedy and a very expensive hormone spit test that I need to take on the 21st day of my cycle. $275 to have someone look at my spit in a tube in a lab. But if I can do everything right on paper, and still gain, I need some answer as to what I’m doing wrong. All totalled up it was near $600. I need a vegetable daddy, or maybe a lean protein daddy… That’s a healthy sugar daddy, no one needs more sugar.
My homeopathic remedy is Ignatieff. It is supposed to help with every day and constant anxiety/stress. I was only mildly surprised that she determined I have far more stress than I would admit to anyone, including myself. This is a true statement. I am stressed, I am admitting to you all. I always make an effort to find the rainbow, the upside, to be positive. I am positive my swing is twisted up to the top bar, and I’m going to spin out, puke and fall down. I need a break. With no exercise for a few days, my stress level is elevated that much more, stupid knee… Thank goodness for the blog, and Goldylocks! Although feeling this stressed I’m tempted to shut both out. The thought of blogging, or that I had been lacking on the blogging just added to my anxiety. See, there I go spinning already… Haha.
So this week, I owe you pictures, I will do the spit test, and go back to the gym, skipping squats for my poor ham hock of a leg. I will do what I need, to get thru work, and be gentle with myself over things I cannot do. I will not clean my house or fold my laundry. I will read a magazine in the sun, paint my toenails and eat cake. After my spit test I am supposed to take 10 cortex pills per day to help reset my stress hormones. Likely after the hormone results come back, I’ll have specific diet, but I’m ready to feel better, and not afraid of hard work…

Ohhhhh…. It’s so big, and hot, throbbing it’s so engorged!

All true, I have a big, hot throbbing knee. Last week we did weighted plié squats. That inner thigh/knee area has been a problem for me before, I must have moved it wrong, or put too much stress on it. Maybe I have been over training. I “rested” it, adapted the rest of the weeks workouts, it was still a little sore but not crazy, so this week when they came around again, I did them. I opted to do them without the 35lb kettle bell. Just the weight of my ass. Apparently it was enough that the next day my knee was hot and swollen. I have an engorged knee. I figure it need some rest. Today I also have a headache and sore throat. So instead of yoga followed by the gym, I had a nap on my half-a-couch.
It is physically painful to not work out. I have a problem. I feel like a sloth, a cute sloth, but none the less. Is it my A-Type personality? I must always work hardest, fastest, I can’t just do the minimum? I beat myself down with negative self talk because I missed 2 days at the gym. It’s a near overwhelming compulsion to go do something, bike, swim, walk, but I reasonably know I need to stay home, and ice my knee. It will not get better if I over use it.
The silver lining on all this is I was prompted to blog, even if it was just a shorty!

Struggling

I have topic, I have time, I just have no will to blog today. I would skimp in the writing just to get it down, and I don’t think that’s good for anyone. I am really struggling finding the time and will to write lately, which means I SHOULD spend my time doing it. I will write, I need a muse, a good blogging always makes me feel better…. But it will not be today.

People who think they are a big deal… Usually are not.

Somehow along the way, Penticton has become home. I still miss Vernon, Kelowna and Calgary, but mostly for the people I love. Gone are the days of wearing my house pants and slippers to the grocery store. I have begun running into people I know. Some of them are uncomfortable, like MrNRN at the vitamin store or the gym, well not that uncomfortable, I have done so much better, so I have no hard feelings. I see #13 at the bar, co-workers at the grocery store, customers at the gym. Unicorn at the bank. It makes sense exposing yourself to all those people will greatly expand the likelihood of running into them. Not everyone was lucky enough to have me expose myself to them… Haha, you know what I mean!
Karma was at the gym a couple weeks ago, some stranger approached her and said “you are back! Where is your partner?” Those of you that know her, know she isn’t much for engaging with strangers, but it made me feel a little gym rock star-ish. And I would have loved to see the look she gave this stranger prying into her personal business. Hahahahaha.
We have been changing our workouts monthly, and the time we go to the gym has varied with work schedules, so in actual fact we didn’t go anywhere, he just wasn’t at the gym when we were. This months workouts are good, tough, but they are supposed to be. We are lifting heavier weights, I have noticed drastic improvement in stamina and strength. Measurements haven’t really reflected that. I am excited to see the naturopath Saturday to see if there’s something I can do to reset my metabolism, or hormones, or diminish stress, whatever my problem is. We will see.
Saturday…

I smile a lot

I am in like. It’s a pretty intense like. A smile for no good reason, sigh a lot, kind of like. Goldy locks gets more and more impressive. My parents met him, they liked him, but they are easy. Generally I make good decisions, so my parents are ultra supportive. Goldy was excited for my dad and his upcoming retirement, and mentioned my mom is easy to talk to. He thought they were great. Mom and Dad thought the same of him.
I invited him to come meet me Friday night, and despite not loving the bar he came for a drink. Remember, I spent the better part of a decade doing things alone, so this inviting a boy, and him showing up is a novel concept. Sunday Karma had a potluck dinner, I asked if I could bring a date, and invited Goldy. Karma requested he bring buns. I asked him if he wanted to come, expecting some excuse or reason to not join, but he didn’t even hesitate, he would come. Because it was such an ordeal to get my ex to go with me places I would never request more from him. Pot luck dish? I would just take care of it. Almost as if he was doing me a favour by gracing me with his presence and I shouldn’t burden him with any further responsibilities. This is 100% self imposed. Oh, well… 90% anyways. He never said anything of the sort, and would pick up things from the grocery store if I asked, the thing is I rarely or never asked.
Goldy agrees to come for dinner and I was getting ready making salad rolls and cranberry sauce, went for a walk down the the store and was going to pick up buns. It’s hard to describe the fear, it was like, if I asked Goldy to pick up buns, it would suddenly become a deal breaker. Decided I was being silly and sent him a quick text letting him know Karma requested buns. It wasn’t an issue, he grabbed some buns and asked if there was anything else he could/should bring.
He was dropping off his bears and asked if it was good for him to swing by earlier to hang out before dinner. He even offered to help with the laundry folding and salad roll rolling I was trying to get done before hand.
We arrived just a touch late for dinner, most my fault, but partly his fault for being so adorable…
Most people would find the prospect of dinner with 5 strangers nerve racking. If he was nervous it didn’t show. He was personable, conversational and kind. Karma and her husband agreed Goldy is lovely. So after a little more than 3 months of daily texting, a dozen dates, meeting my parents and a few friends, I’m going to stop looking for something about him I don’t like. He still needs to meet a few more of my nearest and dearest, but you all are scattered all over the place. I am confident that he will sparkle thru any situation, after 3 full months without a single red flag, i am convinced he is a stand up guy. I am smitten!
However… There is still one hitch. I haven’t met the kids. The last time he had a girlfriend meet the kids, it was an all round awful experience. I think it’s good to be sure, kids get attached, and honestly I get really attached. I will not pressure him in any way shape or form, I accept that he needs to make the decision, wether it is 6 weeks or 6 months from now. I worry though. My own neurosis, I LOVE kids. Kids and pets love me. Statistically someone’s kids some day will not adore me. It’s bound to happen. My old boss stopped in and saw me at work, we were chatting about this and that, he said “the kids must love you”. I admitted to having not met them yet and he looked puzzled. I worked for him for 10 years, so I got to see his kids regularly. I made an effort to get the kids something Christmas and birthdays, I became an “aunt”. Which seems to have become part of my official title in life.
Rationally I know that I am over thinking this, but emotionally I am still worried that the first kids that don’t hit it off with me will be his kids. Dammit worst case scenario! I am spending my energy worrying about something that is completely absurd. Kids love me…