I feel fluffy

I am not sure fluffy is the right word. I feel like rising bread, like muffin batter. I feet fat. When I look in the mirror my back up chin is jumping out, stealing the spotlight. I know this feeling is just that, a feeling. A result of too much coffee and sugar the last couple days, high stress level from working everyday. Too much time spent in my head fretting about things. And taking 4 days off from the gym for my puffy swollen knee makes me feel sluggish and slow.
I feel off. And I need a few days to myself. Away from work. Unfortunately I have another couple weeks before that can happen. I don’t love my job right now, if not for my boss being fabulous and the perks I get, I’d be out the door. I day dream about being a dirt bag, couch surfing and driving a 86 tercel. Spending my days snow shoeing or dog walking. Maybe gardening… Cherise asked me yesterday at lunch what I wanted to be, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I want to be nothing right now, I’m shutting down. Maybe a trophy wife was my answer, but today the thought of that sounds exhausting too.
I have a handful of pills I take every day,and it looks like I am peeing out an alien, bright yellow, my kidneys are working overtime, and I need to drink more water.
The naturopath, is one of the most kind and loving people I have ever come across. She rivals my yoga teacher in Kelowna for a gentle light about her. I filled out a booklet of questions before my appointment. It’s hard to think about a multitude of symptoms and their context to the problem at hand. Having never been to a naturopath before, or to her specifically she wanted to know about my life, emotional and mental health being as part of a physical whole. On the booklet of paperwork it asked height and weight. Being friends off with my scale for a couple months I stepped on at the gym before my appointment. I nearly threw up, right there, on the scale at the gym! 190. I weigh 190lbs. Good god. Yes it was mid day, yes it was after a workout, yes it was after fest of ales and a night of beer drinking. But the knot in my stomach and the lump in my throat, I muttered to myself as I stepped off… 190 holy fuck…. I can’t believe it…
Karma was there taking pictures for her trainer, “what is your problem!??” I’m just pacing in the change room mumbling and fretting about a number. My clothes still fit, I went 2 weeks with no coffee, less sugar, ate clean, exercised daily, and still gained. I am despairing about the earths gravitational pull on my body and self pity is starting to set in. Karma just shook her head at me, I should know better than to step on the scale. So on my way, I’m already ready to cry and I haven’t even started giving her the “readers digest” story of my life the last 3 years.
I used an hour of her time, and a half of a box of her tissues. We went thru the questionnaire, she made notes, did a sacro-cranium exam (sort of tickled, I was crying and giggling simultaneously).
The end result was an agreement that a hormone imbalance may very well be an issue. I walked out of there with a new multi vitamin, a couple supplements, a tiny little tube of homeopathic remedy and a very expensive hormone spit test that I need to take on the 21st day of my cycle. $275 to have someone look at my spit in a tube in a lab. But if I can do everything right on paper, and still gain, I need some answer as to what I’m doing wrong. All totalled up it was near $600. I need a vegetable daddy, or maybe a lean protein daddy… That’s a healthy sugar daddy, no one needs more sugar.
My homeopathic remedy is Ignatieff. It is supposed to help with every day and constant anxiety/stress. I was only mildly surprised that she determined I have far more stress than I would admit to anyone, including myself. This is a true statement. I am stressed, I am admitting to you all. I always make an effort to find the rainbow, the upside, to be positive. I am positive my swing is twisted up to the top bar, and I’m going to spin out, puke and fall down. I need a break. With no exercise for a few days, my stress level is elevated that much more, stupid knee… Thank goodness for the blog, and Goldylocks! Although feeling this stressed I’m tempted to shut both out. The thought of blogging, or that I had been lacking on the blogging just added to my anxiety. See, there I go spinning already… Haha.
So this week, I owe you pictures, I will do the spit test, and go back to the gym, skipping squats for my poor ham hock of a leg. I will do what I need, to get thru work, and be gentle with myself over things I cannot do. I will not clean my house or fold my laundry. I will read a magazine in the sun, paint my toenails and eat cake. After my spit test I am supposed to take 10 cortex pills per day to help reset my stress hormones. Likely after the hormone results come back, I’ll have specific diet, but I’m ready to feel better, and not afraid of hard work…


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