I am shutting down. Working every day, I am beat. Been 2 weeks since I’ve been to the gym with any regularity, and the blog has obviously suffered along with most of my personal relationships. I get a few minutes to myself, and I want to go to bed. My house is a mess, laundry has overtaken my washroom, going pee takes skill, the options are a) leap into the pile, praying a dirty dishrag doesn’t stick to you, and roll out into a triple pike. Sing a triumphant “ta-da” and pee, or b) shuffle thru the pile kicking it out of the way like a pile of leaves, clearing a pathway for exit. I know A sounds like more fun, but with my delicate knee, it’s been more often an option B. I finally unloaded my dishwasher last night, only to immediately re-fill and run it from the smelly pile of dishes in the sink. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped, I have to wipe my feet off before I can lotion them and put on socks. (I have an odd habit, I slather up my feet with lotion every morning before putting on socks and shoes. I have for years, probably because waitressing is so hard on your feet and this would be a foot rub, although self administered every day.)
Despite 2 weeks without the gym, I haven’t found time to clean. I work 7-9 hours 5 days a week normally, but I’ve also been covering cash, till and doing some training the last 3 weeks while one of my coworkers was off injured (cat bite, more serious that it sounds!) It’s been the normal hours, plus 3-8 hours on the rest of the days of the week. This extra spurt of hours would be bearable if I wasn’t a salary manager. I’m dying, and not padding my bank account in any way.
Extra hours, injured knee, so lacking exercise endorphins, I have not felt like myself. I don’t want to call, or visit, or do anything. I finally understand my mothers fascination/love of a cabin in the woods. No Internet, no TV, no phone. Maybe a book, a chocolate cake, and a down duvet. I could sleep for a week.
I feel like I am failing myself, doing everything right on paper, but still gaining 20lbs since January is really hard on me. What am I doing wrong? Clean eating, daily exercise and no sugar, and vi shakes in feb and march, but still a gain. Measurements have stayed mostly the same despite my gain, except my waist, up 3 inches! Some would insist it’s muscle, but I don’t feel awesome, and its all around my belly, I think it’s hormones, female and stress. I have to make an effort to not just throw in the towel and give up.
I did my hormone test last Thursday 7-10 days for results, so then I’ll know if some of my suspicion has been warranted. I did the 2 tube test. You get up in the morning don’t eat or brush your teeth, and within half an hour of waking collect your saliva in a little tube. Well, when you first look at it it’s little. 10ml, and you only need to fill it 3/4 of the way. 7ml took much longer to collect than I thought. A solid 25 min for me to fill my spit tube, sitting on my half-a-couch. I took measurements, and filled out the questionnaire, and then enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal with cherries and almonds. The noon panel was a little easier, I filled it to the required level, and took it down to the naturopath to send away
The next day I was supposed to start cortrex supplements, 10 per day! Mostly B vitamins, some C and folic acid. 5 in the morning, 5 at noon, and then slowly diminish the count by one per day after 5 days until I’m taking 2 per day. Means I have the pill box of a 90 year old. But… If this helps, it is totally worth it!
I am at a high risk of depression, and an even higher risk of being as asshole. When I am on the verge of a melt down, scheduling, time management, patience, and compassion dissolve. I just want to sit by myself. I don’t return calls, I avoid girl dates and activities, I become awful at thinking of anyone but myself. My poor parents had to endure a 30 min vent on the drive to my grandparents house, I probably wasn’t a complete downer comparatively to most, but I was feeling negative for me. And I want to cry again, mostly for no reason. Ok, stress is a reason… But I’ve stopped carrying Kleenex around everywhere I go. So if I’ve been a bad communicator, or been selfish, I’m sorry, I realize, and will improve.
I’m thankful for my family and family of friends, for Goldylocks is so excessively amazing, and to have some answers soon!