Flailing and failing

I am shutting down. Working every day, I am beat. Been 2 weeks since I’ve been to the gym with any regularity, and the blog has obviously suffered along with most of my personal relationships. I get a few minutes to myself, and I want to go to bed. My house is a mess, laundry has overtaken my washroom, going pee takes skill, the options are a) leap into the pile, praying a dirty dishrag doesn’t stick to you, and roll out into a triple pike. Sing a triumphant “ta-da” and pee, or b) shuffle thru the pile kicking it out of the way like a pile of leaves, clearing a pathway for exit. I know A sounds like more fun, but with my delicate knee, it’s been more often an option B. I finally unloaded my dishwasher last night, only to immediately re-fill and run it from the smelly pile of dishes in the sink. My floors desperately need to be swept and mopped, I have to wipe my feet off before I can lotion them and put on socks. (I have an odd habit, I slather up my feet with lotion every morning before putting on socks and shoes. I have for years, probably because waitressing is so hard on your feet and this would be a foot rub, although self administered every day.)
Despite 2 weeks without the gym, I haven’t found time to clean. I work 7-9 hours 5 days a week normally, but I’ve also been covering cash, till and doing some training the last 3 weeks while one of my coworkers was off injured (cat bite, more serious that it sounds!) It’s been the normal hours, plus 3-8 hours on the rest of the days of the week. This extra spurt of hours would be bearable if I wasn’t a salary manager. I’m dying, and not padding my bank account in any way.
Extra hours, injured knee, so lacking exercise endorphins, I have not felt like myself. I don’t want to call, or visit, or do anything. I finally understand my mothers fascination/love of a cabin in the woods. No Internet, no TV, no phone. Maybe a book, a chocolate cake, and a down duvet. I could sleep for a week.
I feel like I am failing myself, doing everything right on paper, but still gaining 20lbs since January is really hard on me. What am I doing wrong? Clean eating, daily exercise and no sugar, and vi shakes in feb and march, but still a gain. Measurements have stayed mostly the same despite my gain, except my waist, up 3 inches! Some would insist it’s muscle, but I don’t feel awesome, and its all around my belly, I think it’s hormones, female and stress. I have to make an effort to not just throw in the towel and give up.
I did my hormone test last Thursday 7-10 days for results, so then I’ll know if some of my suspicion has been warranted. I did the 2 tube test. You get up in the morning don’t eat or brush your teeth, and within half an hour of waking collect your saliva in a little tube. Well, when you first look at it it’s little. 10ml, and you only need to fill it 3/4 of the way. 7ml took much longer to collect than I thought. A solid 25 min for me to fill my spit tube, sitting on my half-a-couch. I took measurements, and filled out the questionnaire, and then enjoyed a bowl of oatmeal with cherries and almonds. The noon panel was a little easier, I filled it to the required level, and took it down to the naturopath to send away

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The next day I was supposed to start cortrex supplements, 10 per day! Mostly B vitamins, some C and folic acid. 5 in the morning, 5 at noon, and then slowly diminish the count by one per day after 5 days until I’m taking 2 per day. Means I have the pill box of a 90 year old. But… If this helps, it is totally worth it!

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I am at a high risk of depression, and an even higher risk of being as asshole. When I am on the verge of a melt down, scheduling, time management, patience, and compassion dissolve. I just want to sit by myself. I don’t return calls, I avoid girl dates and activities, I become awful at thinking of anyone but myself. My poor parents had to endure a 30 min vent on the drive to my grandparents house, I probably wasn’t a complete downer comparatively to most, but I was feeling negative for me. And I want to cry again, mostly for no reason. Ok, stress is a reason… But I’ve stopped carrying Kleenex around everywhere I go. So if I’ve been a bad communicator, or been selfish, I’m sorry, I realize, and will improve.
I’m thankful for my family and family of friends, for Goldylocks is so excessively amazing, and to have some answers soon!

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One thought on “Flailing and failing

  1. NolaM says:

    Do so admire you for keeping on… to keeping trying to figure it out. You come from a long line of people that don’t accept not bringing your A game every day…
    However… It took me years to understand that sometimes we pack our own baggage.
    We complain about the burdens, expectations, responsibilities and standards others expect?
    But when it comes down to it, I was overthinking it all. Turns out I was more Psycho than Psychic. Most of the people I thought were dumping pressure on me were thinking about what kind of cereal they were having for breakfast.
    Not really but it wasn’t anything like I had attributed to them. Your father especially… as long as he was fed and shown a good time? Laundry mountain just didn’t matter.
    The problem was… I needed to learn how to pack just a small carry on of stress.
    To look at items that I had no room for… and refuse to put them in my valise.
    Give them back to whomever gave it to you and tell them ‘I don’t have room.”
    When you get down to what will fit in your pockets… life is pretty damn sweet.
    I know you are supposed to get smart in your old age? But you always were a prodigy.
    Hug… N

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