crumbling under the pressure

If I were coal, the month of April would have turned me into a diamond, funny thing is, I was a diamond, and what happens when you put them under pressure? I don’t know, Wikipedia didn’t have an answer… I would imagine under prolonged and excessive pressure one would crumble, become dust.
By the end of last week, working everyday, longs days and even a double (had someone leave a note claiming it was too stressful, and they quit… then snuck out the back door) I was feeling shattered. Honestly all I wanted to do was sit by myself, and cry. Goldylocks had invited me camping and to meet the kids, and I was equally anxious and excited. As it turned out, he was anxious about it, I could tell, he seemed to avoid me most of last week. I felt like the timing wasn’t right, especially not feeling like myself. Kids are intuitive, so a stressed me couldn’t leave the best impression. I gracefully? Bowed out assuring him that he needed to be sure about me before I met the kids. I was relieved, and hurt, and angry, seemingly all at once. I decided on a solo road trip to get out of cell service and take some regrouping time. I packed a bag, gassed up the car, and headed out with no destination or agenda. I ended up in the kootneys based on 2 things, I had forgotten my passport and hadn’t bought travel insurance, and had packed sweats, house pants and no makeup in my over night bag. So seattle, spokane or vancouver were out.
I blasted some music, sang along, stopped in every town to pee and get snacks. I ate gummy candies, almonds, beef jerky and drank 3L of water. I stopped where I wanted to read the roadside point of interest signs, rolled down my windows and let the wind snarl up my hair. I smoked a cigar, a watermelon blunt that had been in my drawer for 10 months. I immediately regretted it, sore throat and my car reeking of cigar. I decompressed, I cried. It took a couple hours before I realized why I was feeling angry and sad.
I was the first mate on a ship full of empty promises and searing disappointments. A ship that I thought had sank with my ex. I felt like Goldy changing his mind about meeting the kids was, him not being sure about how he felt about me. I realized that being left behind makes me feel like I am not good enough. I often felt like my ex was ashamed of me, or that there was something wrong with me that precipitated never being invited. I felt abandoned. And I have big heavy baggage about it. My first response feeling abandoned on top of being stressed was to run away. push him away, I was cold and short with him, dismissing his attempts at chatting. He didn’t give up on me, checking in via text all weekend. He is an amazing guy. Once I realized why I felt like I did I still couldn’t seem to turn off the bitch. It’s also a pattern for me to plan and fill my time after being uninvited to distract? Or maybe to make it feel like I couldn’t go on my terms instead of being rejected. I committed late last week to something every day but wednesday this week. Don’t want to see me? That’s fine, I don’t have time for you anyways… real mature Holley…
I’m skipping out on a wine show tonight to have some blog time, and I snuck out of work early too.
I need to have an adult conversation with Goldy about how I felt, now the trick will be finding the time, sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it… Could I live the life of a happy bachelor? Maybe I should try the year of the whore, I had lots of great and some tragic stories from dating. Maybe I should buy a car and pack it up, move to another town and start over? See what’s happening? I am considering running away… It is unfurling like the pages of a pop up book, in black and white right there in front of you. I didn’t fear commitment before? Maybe this is a result of staying too long and trying too hard on a relationship that wasn’t working… now at the first sight of hard times, or stormy weather I’m ready to jump ship? I would be missing out, giving up on a good thing. Adult conversation, has to happen.
My trip turned into a mash up of some favourite things. I went to visit Libby, we went for dinner where I had a steak with bernaise and seafood. The carnival was in town so we went on some rides, screaming and giggling, a good session on the bumper cars too. We went to the strippers, I drank bourbon. We had a good visit and sleepover. In the morning we went to hot yoga, and then out for breakfast. Libs friend and her daughter joined us, I got to play with a preciously adorable 2 1/2 year old. We drank tea and sat in the sun, it was relaxed and easy, I could focus on what was going on with Libs and get out of my own head. I drove thru the rocky mountains on the way home, windows down so my car was filled with fresh air. drinking coffee out of a honey jar and singing along to the pounding stereo.
I was home later saturday night, and my plan was to clean my catastrophe of an apartment, but I slept in, till nearly 11! Amazing, I went grocery shopping, cleaned my car and fixed my dishwasher. Managed to get all my laundry washed and dried, now I just need to fold it!

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That pile was in my bathroom! Dirty… Hahaha…
Things are looking up, I hired 4 new people at work and they will be fine if I don’t go in a few days, I can’t get to that point again, I don’t do anyone any good. I will not run away, but I will go for run… Libs gave me some new kicks!

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