Where to start…?

I have a pile of topics I want to write about, drowning in the thoughts floating around in my head. I am a bit of an over thinker… and now I’ll over think being an over thinker! Bahahaha! I was ready to just shut down, now I have had a few days off to reconnect, got my hormone test back, and started on my adrenal stimulators I’ve started to worry again. So not what I am supposed to do! I have been reading on the internet, so obviously it’s all true, anything you read on the internet is true. Prolonged stress makes you numb. I thought I was coping with it just fine, dismissing it, ignoring it, but my physical body was not, My emotional self wasn’t really coping either, but has ignored and dismissed. When I honestly look back, I have always been a high stress person, working too much, exposing myself to serving, managing, taking on too much for too long. Always needing to be the best and brightest. More than a little co-dependant as well, looking to external sources for my self worth, love and acceptance. I need to be needed. I am terrible at asking for or accepting help. So desperately afraid of being seen as vulnerable, or heaven forbid, needy. My solution for coping with stressors my entire life has been to add on more. Stressed about a break up, I’ll also change jobs and move. New boss at work? Well shit, I might as well date, like a maniac. I can’t and won’t do it any more.
I need to get my personal finances in order, I lived like a dual income for months after my split, maybe because I didn’t want to accept that it was over, I had weddings and babies and events to deal with, and I overspent. Moving, and then driving back to visit all the time is expensive. Again adding stress to my stress. Then as a salary manager, I worked too much, really for nothing but to build more stress. Dating is expensive, new clothes, lash extensions, make up, and being out in general. Add to it new shoes, gym membership, itunes sprees, road trips and all these other things I do for me, and are worth it to my sanity… but take money and simultaneously add to and diminish my financial stress. It’s in my nature to be generous, but I have to stop. My Mother would give a stranger the shirt off her back, my Dad does things for his parents despite his financial worries and apparently the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. I can’t provide for others until I have myself off the fault line. I hope you are ready for the homemade, deal found, or beer store gifts you will be receiving! I am going to have a frank conversation with my boss, he has stressed he importance of working no more than my 40 hours per week. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty taking off banked time, not staying late or going in early. I feel like I’m failing them (the ownership). I have a new boss as of last december, and like in all new relationships I really want to show my sparkle and impress the hell out of them. But I need to work my 40 hours, and then supplement my income, I think an extra few hundred a month would go a long way in my budget, something like one or two serving shifts a week. However, I continue to have serving nightmares, which makes me wonder if it’s not emotionally and physically the best option for me? I am flopping back and forth on it. I need a realistic plan and budget for my financial health.
In addition, my physical health is going to need some adjustments, Likely a roller coaster of emotions with hormone fluctuations. I am hoping the 20lbs will come off easy like it has every other time. I have decided a strict diet for 2 weeks will be beneficial, as a distraction, or maybe I’m just trying to add to my stress to get that high… Either way, I’m committed to 7 weighed and measured portions daily for 2 weeks. Starting on wednesday. I wonder how many times one person can effectively dump everything out and start over in a lifetime? Sounds like a social experiment…


One thought on “Where to start…?

  1. NolaM says:

    Yeah…don’t throw out your skinny clothes.
    When I figured out my hormones… That was the 25 lbs down in 25 days stint. 30/45 days.
    The thing is… very few women today in the days of hormone based birth Control.
    Plus all the hormones in plastic, meat, clothing, food, stress are not impacted,
    Everyone is probably going to be dealing with this eventually. Certainly as they slide into their 40’s. I really admire you for addressing this now.
    It is kinda sweet to take my Yams, Evening Primrose, kelp and not be hormone crazy like most of the ladies around me.
    Going to have to see what works for men… no reason your father can’t have fun too.
    Now that he is on one shift and chilled.

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