fruit cup day

More specifically a cup of fruit. That is what I was allowed, spread out over my 7 meals. I think I may have turned the corner… I made it thru all the meals yesterday. Today I woke up, ate, and an hour and a half later, was hungry again. I did a little work at home, and then went to ironman 3. Karma suggested I pack a meal. Brilliant because half way thru I was hungry again. Scrambled eggs, spinach, tomato and half of a glorious avocado. I LOVE avocado. Today is the only day of 4 we can eat them. Finished with 1/4 cup blueberries. Felt a little odd eating with a plastic fork out of a container smuggled in my purse while at the movies, but it was delicious. I am now 1/3 of the way done my “cleanse” I would love to have some dairy, Cheese, yogurt. Sugar is still a craving, but I just drank some carrot juice, and it seemed really sweet. Amazing. It was hard to drink the 3oz.
My emotional state is not so great. I’m tearful. I want to cry, I feel anxious. In addition today is a rest day. The way I have dealt with anxiety, was to exercise, go for a run, go to hot yoga, or work out. Physical stress to replace emotional. Today I’m stuck. I need to wallow in it. I have to be angry, sad, anxious and cope with feeling that way and healing, instead of distraction.
I feel like I’ve been playing the same video game for the last 2 years, and I keep getting to the same point, but I can’t defeat the bad guy to move to the next level. It is frustrating.
I want to go to the next level. I felt like I went backwards, and now I have nothing. This is absolutely untrue. I rationally know I have my fabulous self, amazing friends, a decent job, and a place to live, food to eat etc. But today I feel empty. Maybe it’s the hormones. I bought more kleenex, I may embrace the crying, have a hot bath, put on the notebook and plow thru a fresh box. Pity party table of one.

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