what I’m looking for in a man

Goldy asked me this a few weeks ago but I didn’t give him a concise answer… There are a few things I can think of off the top of my head, and those unfortunately do not translate into past relationships.
Typically I have dated tall dark and handsome men. A-type men, athletic, achievers, responsible. However, the physical size of shape of a can has absolutely no bearing on what is inside it. You could fall in love with the way a can is shaped, and how it feels in your hand, only to open in up to find sour mushy peas. No thanks…
I have now been on dozens of dates, talking to men of all shapes sizes, and walks of life. I know what I am looking for, and I’m going to try expressing it in black and white. That’s the premise of “the secret”, correct? Visualizing, or something…
I like Men. Not all women do. I like men who are clean, organized, I have no desire to pick up after a man like a child, or have to search thru a pile of tools to find a screw driver. A-Types, maybe because I am, and the need for order and cleanliness is a boarder line compulsion. OCD is going too far, and a little mess here and there is ok, but short term, not long term heaps and piles.
I like men who are independant and busy. I enjoy alone time, and girl time, I don’t want to feel guilty for going to the gym or for a girls weekend because they have nothing going on and need to me to entertain them. On the other side, I think it’s important to have some shared activities, intimacy develops with time together. But constant… it’s not for me. I think I would feel the constant attention, or being joined at the hip suffocating.
I like men who are driven, good at their jobs. I don’t think money is important, but making good financial decisions is attractive. I don’t want a man that spends all his money at the beerstore or the pub. I am not a big drinker, and I’m looking for the same. No smoking, I’m no doctor, but I’ve heard cigarettes are bad for you. The occasional cigar here and there is fine, but every day? No thanks, that is also not a good financial decision. No hard drugs, steroids, cocaine, party drugs, I have no problem if people want to do them, It’s just not for me, and with a-types, it can quickly deteriorate into addiction.
I am looking for a man that is compassionate, kind to animals, but not making out and tongue kissing his dog. Someone who is good with all animals, cats, dogs, whatever…I like animals, I just have no need for a pet, at this point.
I need a man that’s OK with crying. I cry, sometimes for no reason. Maybe that will improve once my hormones are balanced, maybe not. I cry during movies, I feel feelings, and I need someone who won’t shut down or avoid me. Hand me a tissue and rub my arm, It’s a go to thing for me to express my emotions, and I’m not a pretty crier, blotchy heaving sobs are normal. And then the puffy eyelids. Awesome.
I must have a man who likes kids. Wants or has kids. A man who would embrace raising a child as their own regardless of the genetic matter. This is more important to me this week than it was a few months ago. Not every person is able to raise someone else’s kid as their own without favouritism, I’ve seen people treat step kids differently, and I think it is disgusting. This is more important to me now because I may not be able to conceive (a whole other blog post, one that I won’t tackle until I’m ready to use up a box of kleenex)
Now… this puts me in a bit of a pickle… a man that has kids will have less time. I have had a few heated conversations with friends about how I DESERVE to be put first. Well, my parents put us kids first. unquestionably. I was supported, loved and showered with attention, no reasonable need, or even want was ignored. I believe that a good man will put his kids first. And that is where they should be, top of the list. That selfless demonstration is so appealing. If you are dating and you need to come first, date someone without children. It is important to me that I don’t rush into meeting the kids, because I like a man that is thoughtful and protective of his loved ones, and I get attached… quickly, I like kids, and when you break up with a man that has kids, you are also breaking up with the kids, which can be so very hard on them, and the family unit. I put myself first, (at least I should be) I don’t need or want someone else to. It’s not healthy, I think a top 3 or even 5 is reasonable for my needs. You may not agree… that’s fine, everyone has different needs.
I would prefer a man with varied musical tastes, a guy who likes to go out on occasion, maybe some live music, or fun events. Willing to try new things, and share their passions with me. I like movies, and sometimes just chilling, not a sit on the couch every night type but a night in, cozy in house pants. I don’t want to babysit a man at social events, while he gets drunk, starts an argument, talks over other people, or will only speak to others in his demographic.
I like someone who is strong, but I tend to prefer men who are lean, Puffy chest and arms, don’t generally do it for me, I like the lines, not the bulk. A guy who takes care of himself, but isn’t entirely vapid and shallow. Someone who knows that things are just that, objects. Work out, brush your teeth, trim your beard, but please don’t spend 2 hours in the mirror every morning, I’ll sneak out and leave you alone, with yourself, and you probably won’t even notice I’m gone…
I like to cook, I like to bake, I like to grocery shop. I know, odd. I need a man who likes to eat. And with a varied pallet. I think eating healthy is important, vegetables, fruits, lean protein, but please please, eat cookies! I enjoy baking them. Eating fast food, sometimes ok, but someone with a steady McDicks diet? Not good. Again, variety and balance.
It’s important a man is close to his family, loves his mother, and his father, no one always gets along with their siblings & spouses, but for the most part, a man who is close to his family. I am close to mine, I think they are important. I have a varied friend base that has become family, I like to see that in another person, a few friends that they’ve had for years, decades even, and a few new friends too.
I like a man who is at least tolerant if not accepting of other peoples life styles. Someone who see’s people for what they have to say instead of what they look like. My mother wears coveralls, they work for her, and she, as a grown up, (although sometimes you’d never believe it) can wear whatever she damn well pleases. A man who would sneer at or judge my mother for her fashion choices is not for me. That shallowness tied to the car someone drives or what they wear isn’t going to be helpful when the zombie apocalypse comes. I think it also shows an insecurity.
I need someone genuine, helpful and funny. I must have someone smart. I have no desire to explain things to someone again and again, and if I can outsmart someone I will manipulate, perhaps not intentionally… maybe intentionally… I would take advantage…
I need someone with a moral compass. Ethically aware of right and wrong, and leans towards the right. Integrity. I want a real stand-up type.
Easy going, but not a pushover. Someone who can roll with the punches but wont take crap. I want someone to call me on my bullshit. Intuitive would be amazing, someone with emotional intelligence.
Someone who will do thoughtful things, remember what I was doing, or who I was seeing and ask about them. I enjoy being thoughtful of others, it makes me who I am. I’ll remember to send a text on your anniversary, or ask how your grandmas Dr. appt went. And I don’t remember these things to keep score or win favours, but because I care, and I like to help. I would appreciate some reciprocity with that.
I want someone who finds me attractive, sexy, unbrushed hair, no make up and all. I don’t want to have to put on a show, hair make up costume in order to get some action. I want to get some action regularly. Healthy sex drive, because sex is essential for pair bonding…
Wow… I don’t ask for much do I?


One thought on “what I’m looking for in a man

  1. Condale says:

    I don’t think that’s asking for too much. There is never such a thing as perfection, but hopefully someone has “most” of the qualities you’re looking for. I agree with the “no kids” thing. I have had some POF messages from great guys who have children and I felt like an ass for turning them down. But you’re right. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes. I spent my entire last relationship catering to my partner’s career goals, only for him to leave me as soon as he achieved them. For once, I am going to be selfish and expect to be somebody’s “number one”. Your advice is well received 🙂

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