I cheated today…

I want greek yogurt, and earlier this afternoon I would have taken a bitch out for a latte. Not a flavoured latte, just for the milk. I cheated and ate 3 glorious strawberries with my 3rd meal, only supposed to have fruit on day 4, but I had a little less carb to make up for it. I eat all day, I can’t say I’m starving, every 2 hours a meal. I am tired of chewing… my last meal was 3.25 oz of turkey breast and 4 oz carrot juice, which I did in shots, simply because I don’t feel like chewing…
My knee is a little swollen so my fasting cardio was just a walk instead of an interval run. Karma and I had a good, very sweaty gym session and I topped it of with 25 min of easy cardio. I have one more meal to eat, but I don’t think I’ll get thru it. I have to take my progesterone on an empty stomach, 2 hours after my last meal.
I slept soundly for 10 hours last night. For the first time in months. It is likely a byproduct of the oral progesterone. And today I don’t feel as anxious. If I take my cortrex before the gym, it’s better. I had some interesting dreams, surprisingly about my ex. I guess drudging up feelings in order to deal with them has crept into my subconscious. I was telling off people, all over the place. My ex, the crazy girl that caused a pile of trouble when we first started seeing each other. I told them I was angry, that I didn’t deserve to treated like they treated me. I don’t know that I’ve ever written down what ended my 10 year relationship. Now is the time. I didn’t want to paint him the villain, he is a good man, and we have remained friends. I am a masochist. I did my best to help him thru the break up. It’s not normal, I didn’t move thru all the stages of grief. Why do I feel like we needed to remain friends? To prove to the world I am unique, forgiving? A higher plain of compassion? Perhaps it’s a lifetime of anger being an unacceptable emotion? Maybe it was a way of coping with the searing pain and rejection. Covering it up with a band-aid. Maybe my a-type self needs some result or product after 10 years of relationship? My mother said I learned and grew immeasurably. This is true, and as much as it hurt, him calling and texting, needing my advice and support post break up was strangely comforting. Ultimately bad for me…
So what happened? We led parallel lives. rarely did our paths intersect. He liked to keep his life compartmentalized. Family, friends, work and home all had separate circles. We didn’t do anything together, no mutual friends, He was marginally accepting of my family, and more often would make himself scarce. Last year was the first time in years I had a date for my birthday, he always had something else to do. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be invited, was I an embarrassment? Was I no fun? Was I not hot enough? I took on issues that were clearly his, and disguised them as insecurities. With no shared activities, there was no intimacy, adding to my insecurities, and I went off birth control, gaining 20 glorious pounds… Which added another scoop to my feeling shitty sundae. He was home, watching TV, I would make dinner, go to yoga and then watch TV in the other room. I had a wedding to go to one saturday afternoon. Someone he knew, and I asked if he would come with me to make an appearance. One hour, I could drop off the card I had bought them, say some hellos and sneak out the side door. He refused.
I started a fight. We were on separate ends of the room, but we could have been on different planets. It seems like just yesterday… We argued, I cried, I think he muted the baseball game on TV but he didn’t shut it off. I asked “Are you happy???!!!” The answer was “No”.
We had spent the last few months living together, but we didn’t talk, I couldn’t even say that I had looked at him in days. We had become roommates. Our fight that night was cut short because I had a wedding to attend…We had no resolve. But we did agree that things weren’t working the way they were going. I suggested we consider couples counselling. I called a couple therapists, but they weren’t taking new couples. I asked him to pick out someone he would be comfortable with. We both had extended medical coverage and I asked him to look into it.
I was in the middle of changing jobs, and spending extra hours at work getting staffing and inventory sorted out, as well as trying to impress a new boss. Our intimacy improved slightly… we would hold hands at night when he came to bed.
Honestly, I was withdrawn, I poured myself into work. I would fantasize about throwing all of his stuff out on the lawn, I swung madly between despair and elation. While I was at work, He was out shopping. He came home one afternoon right after work and said we needed to talk. He had been out looking at apartments, and town houses. He had put an offer in on one, and it had been accepted. Accepted and he would have possession in 2 weeks. I wanted to throw up. I sat on our soon to be split sectional… and started to sob. He had to go to soccer so again we had no resolve. It was the second and last time I had or would ever see him cry…
We tossed around the idea of living together in the 600 sq foot apartment he had purchased. Living separately for a year and dating. I didn’t like the idea of going backwards, he didn’t like the idea of me moving into his new house. On top of it all, we had broken up before and spent a year apart. Seemed like we had a 4 year shelf life and we would end up in the same spot. I helped him move his stuff out of our house into his. He paid rent for an extra month and kept the bills in his name so I wouldn’t have to pay extra fees and deposits. We texted daily, and spent more time together than we had in months… but I couldn’t afford to stay in the 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment that we had shared. My moving would mean we were done. Finally finished. We still hadn’t gone to counselling, or addressed our issues. I was a mess. I stayed in that half empty apartment for 3 more months… It echoed. The first week he was gone I slept on the recently halved couch because I couldn’t lay in the bed. I cut off the cable, I couldn’t afford it, watching 30 rock online episode after episode. I was offered another job, in another town, and I needed a fresh start. So I gave my notice at a job I had landed just a few months earlier and started training at another one. I would work an 8 hour shift, get in the car, and cry for 45 min till I got to my other job, and then work another 6-8 hours. Every day. Truly was a catastrophe. Shattered. I felt betrayed. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I felt like a failure. I wish I could have been angry instead of sad.

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3 thoughts on “I cheated today…

  1. Vanessa says:

    That is by far the most honest and vulnerable account of your realtionship I have every heard from you. I think you’re gaining strength in ways you aren’t even aware of. So refreshing to hear your human, non-rationalized, non-covered up, straight from the heart side of the story 🙂

  2. Vanessa says:

    This will help. You already know that though. It just isn’t fun, nor does it feel good. To see things in their real light. So so proud of you. Hang in there, the pay off is going to be spectacular. I promise.

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