not my finest moment.

I am in the middle of a full blown melt down. I just used a pair of gym sock to blow my nose. Actually I saturated a pair with tears and snot. I was struggling with my starbucks card, and the darling girl at the drive thru just game me my coffee. I had plans today… this was not in my plan…
This has been building for a while. P.S. hard to type while crying…
Ok starts with stress, work, and a shattering hormone panel, it peaks with Goldylocks. From what I understand, he likes me… but is just so stretched in his life, he has nothing left to give. I thought I could be cool with taking a step back, so we could both work on ourselves. I really like him, he is the most amazing stand up guy, and I don’t want to lose him…I want to fight for him, he makes me happy. Unless he’s too busy to send me texts in the morning, and at night… then I feel shattered… empty. That is giving someone else a lot of power in your life. It’s not healthy. He doesn’t need the pressure. He came over to chat the other night, and I sat across the table from him and bold faced lied. Said I could be good with whatever we had, “it is what it is” I was lying to myself. For the last 5 months he has been my every morning and night. Having a love affair with the sweet cheep of my text tone, smiling at my phone like someone with a brain injury. Unfortunately, I don’t give him that “feeling”, I know rationally that has nothing to do with me, but emotionally I am again shattered, shattered upon shattered, I’m feeling like a fine dust.
I worry that I am attracted to men that are unavailable. Emotionally, financially, physically. I tout how I enjoy my independence, but which came first? The desire to be alone and with friends? Or did I take comfort in those thing because I was so alone? A coping mechanism? I repeatedly said “I LIKE him” but I couldn’t say that I loved him. Had I stubbornly decided that because I liked him a relationship would work? With his daily texting I got more time and attention from him via my cell phone than I got from my ex when we lived together. Sometimes better still isn’t good enough? I want to be the one, Give and have that feeling. that rush of love, dopamine. I thought I might have found that, and I feel foolish now. Like I rushed into this, based on like. I really like him… But I’m going around in circles, soggy hurt circles.
The melt down started last night, I didn’t hear from him… thought I’m being silly, I need to just relax. I hit the shower, smeared on some makeup and went out

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I clean up ok, felt a little funny heading out with no pants on. We went to the bar, with my clean eating, I was drinking water. It was some good people watching.
I came home, and climbed into bed, but didn’t sleep. Fretting about Goldy, and wondering if I just wan’t listening to what he was saying. He did mention it took a few weeks to get out of his last relationship because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, was that happening here?
I woke up to go to the gym at 10 with Karma. At this point I have managed about 2 hours of sleep scattered between mind racing and sweating. This is not good for me.
There is no crying at the gym. But I am on the brink. She asked how the bar was, I started in on the 20 something boy that hit on me at the bar. She gave me some tough love. I joke how these “kids” hit on me, and I feel matronly. I am minimizing my attractiveness. Selling myself short. Karma said, “Stop making this a negative. A young man thinks you are attractive, you may never go there, but just take the compliment and leave it at that.” She also told me that if I was stuffing my emotions I wasn’t going to be able to exert myself with the work out. I was asking my body to take opposite actions simultaneously. Stuff and hold back emotionally, while exerting physically. I was an unfocused workout partner today. She was absolutely right. I held myself together, barely, making it thru the workout. I got to my car and exploded.
I messaged Goldy, facebook messaged him, as awful as that sounds, I was vulnerable and honest, It was heartbreaking, and so very hard. I am letting go. I can’t be cool. I want more than he is willing or able to give. At this point I feel so deflated. I drown the mini box of tissues in my car. I have plans to Starbucks blog and wander the market, I park my car and gather myself up to face the public. Unfortunately my volcano of emotion has blown and there is no hope of composure. I walk the block, and back, get back into my car and sob. Breath catching, deep sobs. No hope of breathing thru my nose, I have no kleenex left in my car, but I do have a pair of green and white socks sitting on the passenger seat. I am doing it, they were only worn for an hour… and snot is pouring out of my face. I use one sock, return some texts cancelling my plans and try to psyche myself up to drive home. I am going to make it to my half a couch and use up a box of tissue. I drive thru starbucks, sobbing heaving, starting in on my second sock. The regular starbucks girl is at the window, looks at me and says, “Can I make sure you are OK?” I am fumbling with my rewards card, and she simply says “screw that, please just take this” I sobbed out a thank you and blotted the tears with my sock so I could drive. By the time I was home, Goldy had messaged me back. I hope he finds what he is searching for, I am sorry it’s not me. At least not right now.
I need to deal with my hurt, over this, really over every other relationship I’ve had. I always remain friends, is that the best thing for me? I need to fill this empty feeling myself, with myself. I have a long hard road ahead,with a red chapped nose…

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One thought on “not my finest moment.

  1. Shannon says:

    Holly My Love, What a honest and vulnerable blog, all I can say is thanks for sharing. It takes such courage to look at our believes, patterns and programs, digging deep in order to uncover the truth. I’m reading a book right now called “The Honeymoon Effect”, about creating that feeling everyday in our lives. I learned that alot of our programs were developed in the womb. So knowing me, I had to go back and find out what was going on in my parents life at that time…and what I discovered was AMAZING! You are an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY WOMEN and I commend your determination and honesty. You inspire us all. Take care of the most important person in your life..YOU!
    Sending lots of love.
    Shannon xoxoxo

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