Super Awesome Dammit.

After 3/4 of a box of tissue, an entire day lost and careful consideration, my melt down was a while coming. It was not a surprise to anyone who knows and loves me. I am suffering some transference. I need to resolve my issues with past relationships, instead of stuffing them down to make room for some new ones. Otherwise, when the new relationship fizzles or fails that rotten base erupts, and it stinks… I thought the year I spent single was me working on myself, but in actual fact I was numb and searching distraction.
I suffer from cool girl syndrome (thanks Karma, I love this expression). Well, no more. I should have stood up for myself with my Ex, MrNRN for sure, and #13 I should have been honest about the red flags. It will be a challenge finding the balance between being assertive and compassionate, I’m sure there is a way. Compassion is one of my finest qualities. It’s not something I want to ignore in myself.
I don’t want to start dating again… it’s just another distraction. I need to marinate in the loneliness. It is frustrating because I think I was built to be a wife. I thrive in long relationships, and I want to be pair bonded. I want kids around. I am tired of waiting. Although Goldy has repeatedly told me this isn’t a lack in me, or my qualities, I’m taking on some insecurities. This is another area I’m getting transference. Realistically, we spent 2 months together 3 months long distance and only allowed one another into a small portion of our whole lives. I am disappointed because I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shot, like the game was fixed. There is nothing I can do to change it, dissecting every moment, text message and conversation to try to figure out where I went wrong will do me absolutely NO good…
Insecurities… right, I went on a tangent… So a part of me wants to date again for the positive male attention. I want boys to tell me I’m pretty and smart and funny. So un-feminist of me. I need to find these things on my own, for myself.
I am glad I am headed to calgary, I’m going to spend a week with a man that loves me completely, (my nephew) and the rest of my amazing family. I am going to take a break from this crazy diet, I’ll make an effort to eat well, but I’m not packing my scale… and I’m going to eat some damn cheese. It’s hard to eat that much protein, and one gets tired of the chewing. It was effective, losing nearly 10lbs in 12 days, feeling stronger and firmer.
The progesterone and B-12 has helped me sleep, I bet today I could have even slept in! I had to peel myself out of bed for work. But I got my period a week early, (post meltdown) and with a vengeance. Heavy cramping and flo… like you needed to know. Hormone therapy may have contributed to the complete melt down…
I have to have faith that everything will unfold as it should… and remain realistic, yet positive. I appreciate the support from everyone, even Goldy sends me texts to check up on me… I know he cares for me… This made me smile… Thanks to my friend K, he sends me some great stuff!

It’s ok to be sad as long as it stands for “Super Awesome Dammit”


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