I am suffering. I feel insecure, and teary, rejected. It is all in my head, unfortunately that’s the only place it matters. I have shed 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks. Feel like I took off my middle fat suit. My body doesn’t feel like mine with that middle weight, and I am SO self conscious of it. I have always had an hourglass figure, tits and hips, my legs are shapely, I like my legs. Just this spare tire, and my back up chin… they have to go, and after that the upper arm wings… the grandma wings. Those make the list too. I hope the week of eating fast food and takeout doesn’t undo the gym time and meal portions. I have been especially mindful of getting extra veggies and watching portions. After eating healthy, I want to continue, it feels better. Not sure I’ll weigh my food when I get home, but regular meals, vegetable, protein with limited carbs, dairy and sugar. Little or no processed food. This may well be my eating disorder peeking thru the curtains, I will have to monitor the mania… and re evaluate, once I am super hotter… kidding, mostly.
I can’t help but feel like Goldy broke up with me, because I wasn’t in top form. CRAZZZYYYYYY. And insecure, this is not me. I felt like my ex and I broke up because I wasn’t enough… Or there was another girl… or I wasn’t hot enough. Transference and my own shit.
Yesterday my Dad and I went to the mall, I needed a jacket, and I think he was supporting my retail therapy, such a good dad! Wearing leggings and my favourite “Mr. Rodgers” sweater. I haven’t brushed my hair in a couple weeks, I’ve cried off most of my eyelashes, and I am not wearing a stitch of makeup. Boys were looking at me… Must be the boobs. But then I was standing outside the washroom waiting for my pops. A woman with a baby came over and stood beside me. The baby was a beautiful kid, big eyes, a dimple on the right and lots of long dark hair, maybe 7 or 8 months old. The baby watched me, smiled, the woman walked around to stand on the other side and the baby turned to keep her eyes on me. Still smiling. The woman looked down at her child, flirting with me and said “who’s that? Are you looking at the pretty girl?” It took everything I had not to give this complete stranger and her child a hug, That woman said I was pretty… and I held back tears. I found a jacket, and appreciated my Dads opinion about what looked good, we had a lovely tea, and watched the throngs of parents with children trudging thru the mall on a rainy thursday.
I packed hot shoes for this trip, and really should make it out for some adult time, I have neglected my friends every time I am in town, I just cant shake this sad. I could have gone on a date…
I have one Guy who has been e-mailing me since last fall. Well, periodically. It’s actually a little creepy how his timing has worked out. This man is tall dark and handsome, he is one of the few men I e-mailed first, and just because I thought he was pretty. I was trying to plow thru 40 dates, I could meet him for a drink on one of my visits… We e-mailed back and forth for a couple weeks, exchanged phone numbers, but I hadn’t texted, then I accidentally deleted his profile, our conversation, and his contact info. Dammit. Not terribly concerned about it, it was around the same time as #13. I came out for a visit a few weeks after #13 and this guy texted me out of the blue. When I was in town, and single. We couldn’t make our schedules work but we texted for a couple months, once or twice a week. He was planning a ski trip and we talked about meeting somewhere on my side of the rockies. Then I met Goldy, my day was filled with morning and night texts, I completely forgot about this other guy. I didn’t hear from him again until last sunday. A short and simple “sorry I’ve been so busy, work is crazy, how are things?” OK, so if he had texted me at any point while I was swooning over Goldy, I would have told him to beat it. His timing is remarkable. Not that I am done swooning over Goldy… I do really like him. I have so much to deal with, hormone dives and swoops, and so many other things that have been a long time coming to confront and clear… I’d probably cry on a date. I am simply not ready. If the roles were reversed, at this point I would be hurt. I need to work on me. But this guy has amazing timing, very serendipity… or maybe I have a cyber stalker…



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