I feel crazy.

I cannot shake this… anxiety. I think I am depressed. Maybe it’s a hormone swing. I put a great deal of value on my personal relationships. I feel like I am so “take take” right now. Needy. I am going to seek out a therapist. My darling friend Mrs D is a therapist, texting today she stated that anxiety and depression are the best of friends, often traveling together. She forwarded an informative website and encouraged my decision to seek a therapist. She also recommended Bipolar screening, just to rule it out. Both Cherise and Vanessa had also suggested it could give me the tools to feel better. I have been focusing on my physical health, and my emotional health was being sweetened with Goldys affection, but I need to build a stronger foundation for myself. I cannot depend on another person for my feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment or love. My emotional health is dependant on my psychological well being. I need help with that, but I don’t want to constantly burden my friends and family. I did get someone to agree to a worry outsource experiment. I would take on one of her worries, and she would take on one of mine. I asked her to take on my worry that I would be alone, for a long time, and to worry that there were no single men in my age group that weren’t completely scarred and damaged. So now when I start to fret about it, I take a deep breath and instead dedicate my worry to her problem. If I can’t stop on my own… we have agreed to text one another so we can take over our respective worries. So far today I have worried for her 3 separate times. I wonder if it will help. Support in anxiety does help ease it some.
I did a poor job of dealing with the end of my long term relationship. I am placing all sorts of details and feelings onto this latest break up. My ex told me he would regret leaving, and so did Goldy. But Goldy needs to dedicate his time and energy to work, his kids and family. My ex dedicated his time to sports, and his friends. I was feeling so down, asking Cherise why these men would choose regret over working on things with me. She pointed out that Goldy had no choice, but my ex did, transference. I had cool girl syndrome for years, don’t want to invite me? It’s cool, I’m busy anyways… Now I need to stand up for myself, I need more, I’m not cool. And I deserve better. Life is better with me, on your side, in your corner. I need someone to recognize and match what I can put into a relationship. A partnership, I want one so desperately. I like to be needed, I have extra love to give, maybe because I haven’t been giving it to myself. My ex still texts me, on occasion, once or twice a month. It’s rarely earth shattering, small talk at best, and it leaves me feeling a mix of relief and irritation. It’s odd that I helped a man cope with a break up… with me, but I didn’t help myself. What does he want from me? I am not willing to give at my own expense anymore. I am angry, I’m angry Goldy only let me into a portion of his life, I feel like I wasn’t given a fair shot, of course I couldn’t give him a “feeling” Does a toy that takes 3 AA batteries work when you only put in one cell? No… it needs all 3 to give you the whirling flashing and buzzing. I know the majority of this anger is transference… I am angry my ex didn’t let me in his life, in 10 years I got maybe 2 batteries in the toy, it still wouldn’t work. He wouldn’t go to counselling, he wouldn’t adapt to keep me, he gave up on us, but still had the perk of having me a text away. And I let him… text me about how to cook salmon, how to fix the dent in his floor, reading his resume and cover letters while he was on a job search. Still putting him first, without reciprocation. I could blame him, but ultimately I let it happen.
After some thought, maybe I haven’t put all of the batteries in either, letting these men into all parts of my life. Really showing off my sparkle and shine, especially if depressed, or the listening to the negative self chatter that plays in the background.
I need to put myself first. Really, and look at my overall health, physical is just one aspect. Emotional and psychological are next on the list…


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