a small rainbow

Currently, I feel better. I am cozy at starbucks with a half sweet, decaf hazelnut machiatto. I just spent a little over 2 hours at the gym. Likely not the best option for sustainable mental health…
But exercise is definitely mood elevating. So are cake pops.
I awoke early this morning, feeling anxious, but stayed in bed, I don’t want to cook, or fold laundry, or do the dishes, all these tasks seem futile. I am depressed. I stepped on a scale this morning, 182, so I should be happy as it’s another loss, but I still feel anxious, and I realize I’m running late for my naturopath appt. Shit… I throw on some clothes and drive down, it worked out as they were a little late opening up. I cried, before 9am, and for my 10 min B-12 shot appointment. It’s kinda my go to move, crying… mad? sad? happy? touched? tuesday? Might as well cry. I found a box of tissue in my car, so I needlessly used my gym socks last week. The box is now sitting smugly on the passenger seat for easy access. My naturopath said the anxiety goes with depression like peanut butter and chocolate. She gave me some green tea extract tablets, and a couple counsellor cards. I was crying, she told me to take my adrenal stimulators, maybe less if they make me anxious, but to take them to elevate my mood. She also laughed at me, and gave me a big hug. She said it is more difficult to help someone access their emotions, and cry, then deal with problems, my incessant crying is healthy. I will feel better. I have a real appointment next week, and there’s a distinct possibility I will cry… haha…I’m a sure thing…
The candicin (sp?) I’ve been taking has helped I don’t crave sugar or bread, actually, I need to get my starbys half sweet or less, there is no way I could make it thru a tall frappacino. I feel more like I’m in my own body, losing the 3 inches off my belly that I was packing around. Thank goodness… I just can’t get a grip on this emotional roller coaster. I need to remember I have a hormone imbalance, and some un-delt with issues.
I was feeling sorry for myself sitting in the office today, I hate sitting in the office by myself, but I was in there today using my daily kleenex quota. One of my reps came in sat down and stated, “you aren’t yourself…” I started to cry, and surprisingly stayed settled in his chair looking at me, waiting for an explanation. I spilled the beans, goldy, the naturopath, general depressed feeling. He was surprisingly sympathetic, understanding even, he has had issues with his thyroid. He says to me, you will feel crazy, for a few weeks at least, cut yourself a break. And you should go talk to someone, it’ll make you feel better. So there you have it. Unanimous decision…Therapy.
I have an amazing support group, Mrs D sending me some incredible texts, insightful and thoughtful, you are sunshine, and I appreciate you. Other texts, and calls reminding my I am loved, I even had a surprise package in the mail, chocolate, smelly felts and a new CD! I will not be a morose mother f**ker for long… I am excited and scared for some therapy. I need to take better care of myself, thinking today at the gym, maybe it’s time to re-introduce myself to 30 minutes of time, daily, just for me. And I need to consciously eat well. Not doing the diet this week, honestly I can’t tell you what I have eaten, I am embarrassed. I will say that I have felt empty, and likely because I was. Contributes to being tired, sad and crazy. I need to feed my body. There is no logical reason for me to punish myself. Apathy is not a good enough reason to not eat. Skinny and sad is not hot.


One thought on “a small rainbow

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: