I bought a new pair of sunglasses, awesome, sort of a dark brown frame, simple, not too big, wouldn’t get caught in my hair, I have lost them. I also have a naturopath remedy for anti anxiety, just a chapstick size vial of pellets, which took some effort to get into, how does that work… an anti anxiety that makes you anxious trying to open it… Anyhow, I outsmarted it, and got into the thing, but have now lost 2. I am not focused and organized like I usually am.
I have managed to sleep in, nearly on a daily basis, actually causing me more anxiety. However… a small victory, I had new lashes done and have not cried in 48 hours. It’s been close… super close, tears filling my lower lids and brimming, nose starting to sniffle… but somehow I MIRACULOUSLY held it together.
I had a lunch meeting, and was offered a new opportunity. A great guy, previous coworker, doing something that I have no experience doing. Scary… and another thing causing some anxiety. What the heck am I going to do with my life? We chatted a bit, and he said no pressure, it’s something I should thing about, and It’s obviously I’m going thru some “stuff” We talked about the amount of pressure that is on people in their early 30’s. External and internal. Like we should know better, have a plan, shit… crying now… I know what I want, but is it really what I want? Honestly… and you can judge if you would like to, I know this does not sound healthy… I want to be needed and loved. Vanessa sent me a personality test, I don’t feel I need to divulge all the details, But there were veins of truth in this exercise.
“9 Enneagram Personality Types (https://www.executiveawareness.com/9types.htm)
Type 2 – Helper
At my best, I am warm, enthusiastic and energetic, and I am generous with my time and material goods. I empathise easily with other people’s feelings and needs and I have the ability to show aspects of myself that will be most appealing to them (I’m quite proud of that). In ‘one to one’ relationships I can be romantic and expressive.
Unfortunately, I can become too giving and get trapped by being indispensable to too many people. I unconsciously manipulate in order to get people to respond to me ( I give and expect to get back ) and I get highly emotional and accusatory if I feel neglected – there is often a confusion in my own mind about what my own needs really are.
I long to be free of all this doing and hate being controlled by others needs or feeling dependent on them.
Good relationships are important to me and I work hard to make them happen.”
So what does this all mean, and where does one start to address fundamental personality traits? The entire process is completely overwhelming. In addition to missing Goldylocks like crazy, considering a career change, and likely with that a move, and all the changes that will come with that… It feels like my last 2 years has been a stop-gap. An exercise in just getting thru, and I am desperate for some concrete. Someone or something that wants to stay. And again I’m headed straight to an external source… I have to make myself feel better. On my own. Improve my physical and mental health. One of the websites had the following suggestions for personal growth;
“Personal Growth Recommendations
for Enneagram Type Twos
First and foremost, remember that if you are not addressing your own needs, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to meet anyone else’s needs without problems, underlying resentments, and continual frustration. Further, you will be less able to respond to people in a balanced way if you have not gotten adequate rest, and taken care of yourself properly. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others’ needs—it is simply common sense.
Try to become more conscious of your own motives when you decide to help someone. While doing good things for people is certainly an admirable trait, when you do so because you expect the other person to appreciate you or do something nice for you in return, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. Your type has a real danger of falling into unconscious codependent patterns with loved ones, and they almost never bring you what you really want.
While there are many things you might want to do for people, it is often better to ask them what they really need first. You are gifted at accurately intuiting others’ feelings and needs, but that does not necessarily mean that they want those needs remedied by you in the way you have in mind. Communicate your intentions, and be willing to accept a “no thank you.” Someone deciding that they do not want your particular offer of help does not mean that they dislike you or are rejecting you.
Resist the temptation to call attention to yourself and your good works. After you have done something for others, do not remind them about it. Let it be: either they will remember your kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your calling attention to what you have done for them only puts people on the spot and makes them feel uneasy. It will not satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.
Do not always be “doing” for people and above all do not try to get people to love you by giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do for others depend on how they respond to you. Help others when they ask for it, especially helping them to become more capable of functioning on their own.”
These are all blanket statements, and are not tailored to my specific results, I need to shop for a therapist, and organize myself, losing things constantly is frustrating. I can’t claim to be taking care of myself if I’m doing a poor job of meeting even basic physical needs, eating, cleaning etc.
Seems like an insurmountable task… To quote Vanessa this self work, and anxiety is “Hard as fuck my love, I’m not gonna lie. Hard as fuck” Well said V.