blah blah blah… sniff… sob…

I should be thankful. I am smart. I am personable, when I’m not buried in a mound of sogged up tissues. I have potential to sparkle. I am hard working, flexible, shapely and strong. Reasonably attractive, I like the color of my eyes, and hair. I have good skin. Pink and freckled but few wrinkles and relatively blemish free. I have huge boobs, aside from a double sports bra for long runs and an absence of spaghetti straps, you can’t go too far wrong with that. I have nice teeth. I have my basic needs met, a roof over my head, food and clothing. I have rewarding and incredibly supportive relationships with a large array of people. Professionally, I am good at what I do, and recently was awakened to the option of doing something different. Well a different title, but looks like similar job duties. My family embraces my every endeavour and is so amazingly supportive.

If it wasn’t for the e-mail from my mother, and the texts from Cherise and Vanessa early this morning I would not have gotten out of bed. Point blank, stayed in bed, completely regardless of the sunshine and 30 degree weather. The fact my house is a MESS, and I have work to do at work. I would have stayed in bed. I am thankful for the added motivation this morning. Yesterday I slept in, and to make up for going to work late, I left early. I have this awful headache, it’s a two day-er so far. Likely a combination of hormone fluctuations, anxiety and depression. I came to starbucks, and couldn’t get the internet to work, so I talked to my parents, and watched people walk by. After a while I wandered up to the used book store and picked up a couple titles.
“Why Zebra’s don’t get ulcers” and something about using mindfulness and compassion to ease anxiety. I don’t remember the exact title. After my used book shopping I went home, ate, and folded my mountain of laundry. Went to the gym and had an inspiring sweat from your elbows kind of workout. I did it alone as Karma is crazy busy this week. I don’t love the gym alone, but I did feel better. Afterwards D came over for turkey and veggie stuffed peppers and Billy Maddison. Libs sent me some awesome texts and I felt ok, even good by the time I went to bed last night. What the heck…

I have done some research, (thanks Brooke for the resources!) depression looks like a fit, and in addition to hormone fluctuations I need to be better at cutting myself a break. The anxiety seems to have crept up on me, I felt like this for months post break up, but when the feeling went away, I figured I was over it. Nope, just experiencing adrenal failure. I am now feeling everything, old and new, in a glorious rush…and a whirling tilting table of hormones on top of it. In addition to the reading and quizzes I’ve looked at I’ve also been reading up on councillors in the area. I have found one I am interested in meeting, and sent out an e-mail. I’ve also done some looking into free therapists, but haven’t made much headway. I need to talk to someone. I feel like such a burden to my friends and family, like a real downer… but this is where I am right now and I need help. It’s funny because Cherise said, I don’t hesitate to answer my phone in the middle of the night, or patiently listen to sobbing snotty explanations from others, on countless occasions, and it’s only fair other people should be able to reciprocate. I had a friend today tell me without the lowest lows you don’t get the best, she is positive that there’s a whole lot of awesome waiting for me around the next corner. I keep hearing that, everyone near and dear is so sure that amazing is in my future. I need to get ready for it. Or else you all are a bunch of dirty fibbers…
Ok so , books to read, time for myself every day, guilt free texting and phone call to friends and family. A naturopath appointment friday, a therapist appointment later this or early next week. Giving myself a break, trying to get my laundry put away, and dishes done. Going to start small.
I was encouraged to date again. I think it would be a distraction, and I need to be with myself, like myself, not just say I do, but actually do it. I need to “Be the woman I want to be”. (Thanks Cherise…) One of the boys I previously dated (low expectations, the one who I met wearing an obviously dirty shirt and unbrushed hair) Texted me to see if I would see a movie with him. I told him I wasn’t really in a good spot and needed to work on myself, but going to a movie, as long as there wasn’t any other expectations would be ok. Around mid morning I realized that today was the day and nearly had an anxiety attack. Full blown melt down. My poor co-worker, all of a sudden I’m tearing thru the tissues in my office. I texted him and cancelled. I am obviously not ready. Obviously… lol.
I have a couple topics I need to write, maybe after a therapy session or on the weekend… they are some good-ers… half a box of kleenex or better! I’m going to go buy a couple boxes of the goood stuff!

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