Ok? Ok… OK!

Today I feel better, I cried once, but nothing crazy… yesterday I welled a couple times, but no crying. Is it because I am a few days into this months hormone therapy? Is it because I have scheduled a therapy session? Is it because I have been eating better? Is it because I have the most amazing friends and family to love and support me? Oh.. now I may cry… nope, false alarm. Perhaps it is a combination of all of the above. Whatever it is I will take it.
I left a message with my GP, Although being against antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, I want to explore all of my options. I want to be informed. I haven’t yet started my reading, and a darling girl at the gym gave me another book to read as well. This one is relationship based, and a title a couple others have suggested in the past. I foresee some SPF 60 and a big towel with a picnic lunch packed for some beach reading. I think I will instagram blog a selfish delight every day for 30 days. So I can acknowledge that I am taking time for my 30 minutes daily. Maybe it will help me get out of bed and to work? This is an issue where I am still feeling drag. My job isn’t challenging terribly, and my boss is uber supportive. I am not sure why it is such an issue to go there. Part of my problem might be the progesterone makes you sleepy, so I NEED 10-12 hours. But depression manifests in physical symptoms as well, low or no energy, tiredness, anxiety. Maybe it just is what it is. Do I need to pinpoint the exact cause?
Physically, the hormones and the 2 weeks of clean eating have done me miles of good. I haven’t stepped on a scale, but I feel like I have taken off my fat suit. The mid belly tire has melted down. I feel more like I’m in a body that is mine. My back up chin isn’t hanging around. Clothes fit like they did a few months ago. I am amazed that for weeks, cardio, calorie deficits, weight training, really hours and hours of planning and work would yield little or no results. All because of a chemical and/or hormone imbalance in the body. Cortisol (stress hormones) will hold onto calories and create fat as a survival mechanism. My progesterone was quite low, which interacts with thyroid function and how your body regulates blood sugar. I felt like a failure, and it created more stress, which killed my hope of results… nasty cycle. It makes ones physical health an intricate web of emotional and mental health as well. Eating well? Exercising? Not getting results? Time to look at the bigger picture. Mind blowing really.
Dealing with, or not dealing with the end of my long term relationship has sprung up like a leak in a hose. I but a piece of tape over the hole… Figured I was good. After going to the naturopath I know that I was suffering from adrenal failure. My body was all, screw this, we quit. I felt anxious for months, and when I stopped feeling anxious although I hadn’t talked to anyone or really done any work. I thought I was over it. Like pressing staples “easy button” Or waiving a magic wand… foolish really… Starting on adrenal stimulators I was anxious again. The tape fell off my hose, ripped wide open, all the bottled up emotions, fears and insecurities flooded out onto the ground. So now I have a mess. The emotional roller coaster of hormone therapy, and a flood of mucky murky repressed fears and feelings. I need to unpack some of this junk, give some back to my ex, and chuck out a BUNCH OF GARBAGE.
Mr NRN was NOT a stand up guy, but he told me I was sweet, and sexy and paid attention to me. And I put up with his no good antics. Because I hadn’t resolved feeling like I wasn’t enough. Because I didn’t love myself, I said I did, but I did not. Because I wasn’t strong enough to say I don’t deserve to be treated like this, not now, not ever. Because I didn’t want to be a “crazy girl” When in actual fact, I was crazy for not calling the bullshit. But none of those things have much to do with him. I need to pull those things out of myself. I need to love myself, know that I am enough, and “crazy” is in the eye of the beholder, just like beauty. I’m not sure where to go from here… I’ve written and deleted paragraphs… I’m lost on this for tonight I think. I know I have a hard struggle ahead, it’s nasty to clean an infected wound, painful, bloody…But if I don’t do it, it’ll never heal.

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