My naturopath is a lovely woman. Kind, intuitive. She has a good energy, like my favourite yoga teacher. I am calmed by her. I feel like she see’s me in a different light. Although I am learning it may just be me that see’s myself in this light. I would think Goldylocks was so unbelievably hard on himself, and had no idea how great he was. Well, we match.

I need to be gentle with myself I am not a robot, and I can’t be everything for everyone else. I had a great talk with my boss, I told him, I was trying… but not spending a tonne of time at the store. I was ready for a breakdown, a very personal, long time coming, full force, gail wind, melt down. His reply was that I was incredibly strong. That my store looked good, my staff was impressive and neither of those things happen by accident. That if I needed time off he would make it happen. That I was human and sometimes things take time to surface. That the will to feel better, and make changes even though they are scary, is more than most people are capable of. I have an amazing boss…
It was the third time is just a few hours someone had told me I was strong. I am amazed by this because I was nose deep in a tissue with emotion leaking out of me every single time. I don’t see the crying, the profession of emotion, and as I see it, failure as stoic or strong. I feel like a big pansy…
Back to the naturopath visit. I had wonderful texts telling me to share myself with the world, that my sparkle needs to get out of bed, in order to sparkle. True story. I made it down for my appointment, and lasted 3 whole minutes before I started to cry. That may be a new record… We chatted for a bit, I told her a few days into my progesterone I did feel a little better. I expressed my fear of being depressed, or bipolar, or plain old crazy. She just smiled at me taking it all in. She did a sacro cranium exam, a healing touch type exam. She said she would like to do a REBA test. A light board panel that is hooked up to your wrist, and then vial after vial is inserted into the machine and energy levels are read.
My personal energy levels were:
Vital (physical health) 80/100,
Emotional 50/100 (really? who knew… lol)
Mental 80/100 and
Causal (a persons “energy” intuitiveness, aura, sparkle whatever you want to call it) 70/40 So if Joe average gets 40, I have nearly twice as much “sparkle”
I have a blocked Chakra 5, really quite common. I am taking Chavita 5, emvita 17 and neurovita.

She has also ordered in a couple things for my Thyroid, I will start those next week. Just for curiosity sake she tested the length of time this blockage has been affecting me, purely an estimate, 32% of my life, give or take. 10 years or so… interesting… now I am tying to remember if there was something that happened to me, or changed in my life 8-12 years ago. Something that could be resurfacing now… hahahahahahaha…
She said that I am really strong, physically, and mentally, and this maybe part of my emotional demise. I rationalize everything instead of just feeling. I will talk myself out of emotions, they don’t make sense, but it’s obvious now they are leaking out. This chakra is responsible for speaking your mind, and expressing ones “self” I am still discovering what that is… It also explains medically, I am prone to strep, bronchial infections, sinus problems and laryngitis. My tonsils are constantly large and inflamed. It also rationally (I like rational) explains why blogging, and speaking my truth via these little keys makes me feel measurably better.

I texted Goldy the other day, told him that it was not his fault I fell apart. I don’t think he believed me, that’s not my problem… What I didn’t tell him, a breakup wasn’t helpful, but as long as he was covering my wounds I wasn’t going to deal with them. He made me feel adored and happy, but with him, not on my own. This thing, these feelings are so much deeper… As strange at this sounds, I am not glad, but determined that finding him by chance, and then losing him was part of my journey to self discovery, (I sound like a crystal rubbing dirty hippie). Maybe the only way I could have gotten back to dealing with me. My feelings of loss, of myself, of my idealized wife role, the way I pictured my life would be, and how focusing on others was effecting my every move. So worried that no one would ever love me,when I wasn’t doing any work to love myself. He said I didn’t give him a “feeling” Something that makes perfect sense because letting negative chatter fill my thoughts, looking for external reassurance, not dealing with me. Not standing up for myself, I was a doormat. Easy come, easy go? He was a delightful distraction, and I still think he is amazing, maybe one day our paths will cross again, but when I am ready. I have to worry about me. And stand up for MYSELF.
I started reading “Why men love Bitches- By Sherry Argov” (Thanks T!!) When I gained weight, and was having my body revolt due to a hormone imbalance, I became a doormat. I hated my body, and me inside it. I didn’t put myself first I went straight to the old people pleasing ways to get my needs met, something according to this book is unattractive. I didn’t stand up for myself when Goldy wasn’t ready for me to meet the kids, I didn’t complain that he didn’t make time for me, I didn’t think I deserved better, (this is where you can say “I told you so” Miss E) I felt like I wasn’t enough, but this is not a new feeling. I did SO many things wrong with my ex. I should look when this book was written, I could have benefitted from it years ago! When I think back, it has a number of hard truths. My ex tried hard, at the start when I didn’t particularly like him, when I was going to break up with him, When I moved out, then moved away. No mater how much I did, gave up, put him first when I was with him, I was bound for failure. I lost myself. I would lament about being a fool for going back, because nothing had changed, although the last 4 years were the best years. Of course they didn’t change, I hadn’t changed. A fleeting glimpse of standing up for myself, and the idea of losing me would spurn him a little, and then I would revert straight back to making him dinner and watching baseball with him. I HATE watching baseball… although sometimes I will put it on the monitor at the gym, because I read a book that stated watching baseball lowers blood pressure. I gave up friends, interests, working nights and weekends when I had the most fun and made the best money, so that I could sit at home with him, or more often by myself while he was out with friends. I lost myself, have resurfaced only a couple times here and there, in elusive glimpses over the past decade. Like Bigfoot, or Ogopogo. But I know I’m real, really real. A confident, self assured and attractive girl. A girl with extra sparkle, and an altruistic nature. Talking to my mom last night she said “welcome back!”
Therapy session booked for monday!

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One thought on “Strong?

  1. Vanessa says:

    ahh yes! such truth. funny, the sentance before “(i sounds like a dirty crystal rubbing hippie)” i actually said “yes!” outloud to my computer. so welcome to my hippie world. 🙂 leaps and bounds my love you are making leaps and bound. welcome back is right this is an exciting time!

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