I am depressed. I have 6 of the 9 signs of depression. When I stop and think, I have been depressed for quite some time. Initially, post break up (the big one, which I think I will start calling TE1) I was so busy I didn’t have time to process, grief, depression, anxiety. I worked every day, moved, had weddings to attend, close, dear friends weddings on top of it. The people pleasing me wanted to be there for them, celebrate their joy, love, special day, give a kick ass, and funny speech. But I think I was more like Adam Sandler in “The Wedding singer” Singing love hurts and pushing back tears. I was sad and fat. Feeling shitty about myself… really just getting thru. Not fair to my near and dear friends, and not fair to myself. I am sorry… not sorry in a way that I could have changed what I was thinking or feeling without a lobotomy, but sorry I couldn’t be honest with myself.
I knew after my Dr Visit that fateful january a year and a half ago I was depressed, but still wasn’t ready to address the underlying issue. I am not sure why I am so against anti depressants for myself, I see no harm or shame in other people taking them. I want to do things the hard way maybe, always have. I want to push uphill, claw and get there myself. It’s an inherit flaw. My Therapist asked if there was a family history of depression. I laughed. Yes. My mother has withdrawn for periods over the years, and I come from a long line of recluse type women. Strong, determined shut in’s. My mother talks about my great grandmother, she was depressed. Who could honestly say that they don’t have depression in the family? The stats are staggering and those are REPORTED, there are far more cases that go un reported!
If you are having thoughts of suicide, giving up, hopeless, not enjoying things you used to, anxiety, incessant crying, please seek help, there are crisis lines, support groups and MSP covered therapists.
I’m not 100% sure about the therapist I picked, but I am willing to try another session before I make up my mind. Her assessment was that I am moderately depressed. My naturopath said during my sacrocranium exam, mild depression. Either way, depression. Not crippling, but a struggle. I had some wins today, I got out of bed before 9 am. I almost made it to work on time! I showered, and wore real pants, jeans and a t-shirt instead of sweats. I stayed at work all day. I had to reward myself mid afternoon with a chai tea and some biscotti that has been in my office since christmas… but does biscotti ever really go “stale”? I only used 2 tissues, ALL DAY! I researched natural ways to raise serotonin while sitting in the sun at starbucks, then spent 60 minutes at the gym followed by grocery shopping. I purchased some power grain cereal, and omega rich fish. I ate dinner, chicken whole grain nachos. I even considered doing my dishes… I don’t want to get tooooooo carried away.
While researching I came across this… “Oxytocin is another feel good hormone often called the “cuddle hormone”. Oxytocin is released when we feel love, trust and comfort. It can be even more powerful than serotonin. If you need a lift, remember the power of simply spending time with your significant other or family members and friends.” So that explains why Goldy made me feel better!
I will embrace this opportunity to work on my foundation, find strength in myself. Now is my time. Celebrate the small things until they become big things.
One other aside, I stepped on a scale today and took measurements, 178.6
bust 42 (back to Jan #)
waist 33 (back to Jan #)
hip 41 (down an inch since Jan)
left bicep 13 (up an inch since Jan)
thigh 21.5 (down 2.5 inches since Jan)
calf 15 (back to Jan #)
Physical health is still important, but my focus needs to shift to emotional and mental health as a primary concern!