Just another day

I have to pause on reading the stress book, because it stresses me out. I start in on all the complex chemical reactions, and then I start to worry. I worry about those I care about, dealing with stress, and I worry about all the damage I’ve done to myself… and then before you know it, I have no appetite, and an elevated heart rate. Yes, the book about stress, stresses me out. I seem to be floating ok with the depression, forcing myself into tasks, and calling myself on the negative self talk. Any progress no matter how small, is still progress. I know I have to spend time out with people at work, sitting in my office makes me feel awful. The high point of my day is the gym most days. Not sure how I feel about that… it is what it is I guess. The girls at starbucks recognize me. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. My body feels more like mine, and I feel like I look better, there’s a boy that works at the gym that tells me I look good, maybe why the gym is a high point.
I’ve been researching quarter life crisis, and the 30’s slump. After having lunch with a couple men now in their 40’s, they noted feeling the same, and the insane amount of pressure on people in their 30’s. I was reading and one statistic suggested that 3 of 4 people will experience some sort of jag. It is normal to not be where you wanted to be, now the trick is coping with that. And not berating yourself for being a failure… that’s my issue.
I am going to volunteer, do something with children, and seek out a casual one day a week social job, waitressing. The volunteering is to feed my soul, sense of purpose, and is the area of life I feel most lacking. One of the reasons I was so attracted to Goldy… kids… I love kids. Well, not the only reason, but after some reflection, it was a big bold check mark in the plus column. The waitressing is to get out, meet people, and maybe make a little cash. It seems to be hard to make new friends. I have so many amazing friends already, but with husbands, and kids, and physical location challenges. There should be a plenty of fish type app for girls seeking girls, but on a friend basis. Fill your profile out, and find similar interests and schedules. I suppose this is where you go out and do something you love, then you meet like minded people. But how do you engage with the girl beside you at the gym without being a 7 out of 10 in the creepy scale? I need some girl on girl action, but not like in the movies. I could make guy friends, bat my long fake lashes at them, lure them in with the desire of dating and then file them in the friend zone, but that seems mean. I don’t want to be mean. Maybe this is all a distraction, fill my time so I don’t have time to brood, or break down. Is that the worst thing?

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