send help… I’m drowning… in self help…

The mornings are the worst. I go to bed, and I feel good, I have successfully coped with my day. I have eaten, worked, worked out, and had some social interaction. I don’t know what exactly goes wrong the 8-10 hours I am asleep… But I wake up tired, sad, hungry, and I want to pull up the covers and stay in bed. I did have an especially negative dream the other night, where I was not rescued from a hole because I wasn’t pretty enough. How about that for a dream to analyze. Maybe because I have been dissecting my negative thoughts during day they have been lurking in my subconscious and running amuck at night. Would explain my low, waking emotional vigour. I wake up at 5:30 or 6 every morning, and then anxiously try to fall back asleep, and then I can’t seem to suck myself out of bed to make it to work on time. My anxiety and snooze button conspire against me. I regularly have to breathe thru a potential panic attack. I know that physically this stress is all sorts of bad for me, and my skippy heart (my heart misses beats, and lately has been weak). Then I get anxious… and I can’t sleep although I’m tired. when I do eventually get out of bed I’m starving, but I feel a little nauseated and I don’t want to eat, and then I cry… I think when I wake up, I will just get up, lay in the shower, eat breakfast, and start my day. What’s going on now isn’t working for me.
I went to kelowna for a lash fill yesterday, and had a visit with Goldy, he has broke his leg, did a really good job of it, and is forced into spending a couple weeks in the hospital. We sat and chatted for a couple hours, he makes me happy, I enjoyed just chatting. It may be one of the best times I’ve ever had in a hospital… absolutely makes a top 5 list! He is sweet and kind, intuitive, and funny, and so very hard on himself… we match…Hahaha!
Before I made my way up to the hospital I went to chapters, I had a $5 off coupon. Vanessa had recommended a book called “the power of now”. I was hoping it would help me make the most of now, as the title promised, not re thinking the past or worrying about the future. While I was in the self help section I perused some titles. There is a wide array, all sorts, finding “Mr. Right”, the power of attraction, the rules on dating, squashing the compulsion to mother in relationships, As I saw title after title I would think “I need to read this one…and this one… oh and this one…I could have spent hundreds of dollars and potentially days upon days reading. Or at least had an impressive pile of books collecting dust on my coffee table. I did decide on a second title, “Madly in love with me” I think because this is where I need to jump from. This book is a jewel calypso red with curly yellow lettering, a book obviously directed at women, but there are many men I know don’t love themselves like they should. Sexism aside I am looking forward to reading it, and when the library re opens (they are replacing carpets for the month of june) I am going to get a card. I find the self help section at chapters daunting, irony? Like being stressed out reading a book on stress. During our weekly phone date I was lamenting to Cherise that I was having a hard time, loving myself, cutting myself a break, putting myself first. I haven’t learned how. I come from a long line of people who put others first, my mother, and my father, having us kids come first, their parents, work. Putting yourself first isn’t the same as being selfish or arrogant, and I think it is a very fine line. Maybe once I love myself I can try to tackle the book on stress again… 🙂

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