Multi tasking

I am at the gym. Right now, sweating on a recumbent bike. I had a late start today. Waking up early but laying in bed, breathing long and deep, and letting go of guilt and anxiety. Retuning a couple lovely texts, I felt loved. I stayed in bed till 11 when Lib called. I didn’t beat myself up, or berate myself for being lazy. A rare find. I had a bowl of mini wheats, a shower, and put on a simple royal blue dress and some outrageous heels. I drove to Starbucks where I put on some sunscreen and had an hour long gab with Vanessa while sitting in the sun. After that I went to work for just a bit, had a customer complaint that by the end of our conversation she was laughing and my new BF. I had a boy I dated see me at the bank and he texted me that I looked spectacular in my simple blue dress. I think it’s simple… Those were not his words. The guy at the gym greeted me with his usual enthusiasm, and I have a girl date to go out for a drink tonight. I’m definitely feeling better. I had a taste of the love yourself book, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to read some this weekend.
I have to say, not sure I was getting the most of my workout, blogging… but it went SUPER fast. I just did some cardio and abs, I still have this ridiculous kink in my neck, I will book a massage and see the naturopath next week. An entire week with this knot is enough… So instead of being shoulder day I slacked. Partly because I HATE pull ups and push ups, shoulders have never been a strength, and I didn’t want to add tension to my neck.
Anyways… I was thinking, and talking to Vanessa, who always helps me do good self work… :-).
After a couple hours with Goldy, I felt good. great, maybe the dopamine of hanging out. But he makes me feel good. Happy. I genuinely like him. How do I get that independant of him? He isn’t perfect, and that’s not what I’m saying. He is angry, and hurt, and just as flawed as the rest of us. I don’t think he can even begin to understand how much “sparkle” he has. He made friends with his hospital roommate and was commenting on how lucky he is to happen across these great people. The nurses were all great to him, all these people going above and beyond. He didn’t realize not everyone has those experiences.
I had a friend who played pro hockey, I would drive him home on the regular, completely obtuse to his flirting, he would ask me for a ride home, hoping I would stay with him… I just thought the weirdo always wanted to leave early… no idea… anyways, one night we were chatting about luck, and catching breaks. I seem to fall into these great things, a house sitting gig when I have no home, a new job or big promotion. I was lucky… he said that he had a problem with that, because people make their own luck. His exact words were, “there is no such thing as LUCK, it’s what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” So this great stuff that happens to me, or him, or Goldy, or anyone really, is what happens when you are prepared for your opportunities as they come along. Wise words. So it got me thinking, Goldy is a genuine good guy, and people are drawn to him, but he has no idea how great he is. I am the same? Did I not want to acknowledge that because I don’t want to come off as arrogant? Why is it not OK to have that love of myself, to think all those amazing things of myself? To search out validation by doing things for others. Then giving because I need the validation becomes a selfish act. Insanity. I feel good after just a few minutes with him, because he makes me feel adored, he thinks I’m smart, and pretty, kind, and fun. How do I think those things about myself? I realized that because of unresolved feelings of abandonment and low self worth, when I found him, and I liked him, I intensely dove in, while feeling like I wasn’t good enough for this amazing man. Now don’t get me wrong, I have decent self esteem, I know I’m a catch, and I’m told enough that I’m pretty, smart, etc. But it needs to well spring. And in retrospect, my fear of not being where I wanted to be in life, and being alone, I dove in before I knew how deep the water was. Because I am exceptionally “lucky” I didn’t end up with a head injury…I did and gave and gave up on myself to try to make my ex happy, when all I needed to do was make myself happy. I was afraid of being alone because I didn’t like me, or respect myself enough. I would like to congratulate myself (in the least arrogant way possible) on having the intuition and self knowledge to buy a book on self love. Now to read it.

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