What is that smell…?

It’s hard to place… I know I’ve smelt it before…it’s desperation! I am ashamed, I have reeked of it myself. Really not that long ago…
I was chatting with the cute guy at the gym. I didn’t notice until about a month ago that he was cute, he has been cute for months, and totally my type. Tall, dark, lean, athletic, light beard, dimples, a competitor, he does triathlons and enjoys manly outdoor things. Smart, funny, and he compliments me. Exactly what I needed the last few weeks. We have had a few chat’s the last little while, he had a health issue he was dealing with, so he empathized with my hormone imbalance. He is making some changes trying to figure out what he’s going to do with his life, and is on the move at the end of this month. I like him, that he is leaving makes me sad… and who will tell me I’m pretty dammit?? LOL! I am absolutely kidding, I put more value on girls telling me I’m pretty… anyyyywys…
We have had a few chats about getting older, dating, things we love to do, the other day he was proclaiming that girls fall in love with him too fast. Dropping the I love you after a few months. How girls would just stop doing what they did for the sake of a relationship. Do nothing but cater to him. I just smiled, I smiled to cover my shame. I completely understood. I have been that girl. Not the dropping I love you, but giving up myself, feeling desperate about being in a relationship, and adding un necessary expectations… putting the cart in front of the horse. Earlier that day I was at the beach talking to one of my 30 dates and he mentioned that there were girls he went out with, that so desperately wanted a relationship that it was off putting the pressure and expectations involved. Desperation… it reeks… it’s like the anti pheromone.
After reading the men love bitches book, it tells you to stand up for yourself. Put your self first, and the book on loving yourself says the same, Take care of you before you take care of anyone else. It’s not being selfish, it’s making you the strongest and most whole person to bring to every relationship.
I don’t need a relationship. I need to improve the relationship I have with myself. The correlation between the number on the scale and my self worth needs to stop. I want to spend my time and energy with people who make me feel good. And I need to foremost, feel good about myself. Accept my back up chin, love my belly. Accept the fact I am giving and kind, but to be giving and kind to myself first. I am making vast realizations, and remembering what I want and love. I can get those things on my own, and in doing so I will attract the right people. I don’t want to feel desperate, or be desperate, I would like someone to be with, but have work to do on my own. I don’t want to be that girl, giving up on herself to be available for a man, or dating with such a vigour that I don’t take time for myself. I know this is a pattern for me, mothering, creating dependancies in relationships… I need to be needed. I see where I went wrong, putting my self worth into someone else’s hands. I need to tell myself every day I’m pretty. I need to make myself smile with sweet gestures, because once that happens, my relationship with myself becomes the most important one I have, as it should be, and it won’t matter if I’m single, because I’m happy in my own skin. No one should have the power or authority to dictate my emotions, That is my job. It doesn’t mean I won’t falter, look for external validation, or fall into old habits, but temporarily. I am excited about being whole in myself, I am ready for new experiences, meeting new people, growing relationships with people I already love, having a renewed awareness. I need to put behind me the feeling that because the earths gravitational pull on my body is greater than I think it should be that I don’t deserve to be happy. Or that I am a bad person for not cleaning my house, returning a phone call, exercising or whatever my jag of the day is.
Soon when someone asks what that smell is…? I can exclaim, oh that? That smell is sheer AWESOME coming out of every pore!! Better than vanilla sugar, apple pie or fresh laundry…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: