rough day

Today was rough. Maybe it is residual lack of sleep. I found a new place, it’s a master suite, so I will have lots of private space, a washroom, sitting room, bedroom and a small deck,shared kitchen and laundry, it is a little less than what I pay now, I think that the change is needed. It is exceptionally creepy to feel like there is someone in your suite in the middle of the night. Toady I woke up around 9 and watched an adam sandler movie (oh that zohan), got dressed and made my way down to the saturday market. Usually that will make me feel better, I wandered up and down a couple times, strolling, people watching, buying some fruit and brunch, walking back to my car I was washed over with a wave of loneliness. I sat on a shaded street bench a had a cry. It was a couple blocks from the market, so I was alone, and I felt alone. Sitting on a bench, soaking a corner of the napkin that had come with my waffle. An overwhelming crashing wave of loneliness. I know many people with friends, spouses, kids around that still get that feeling, there were people I could text, or call, heck I could have walked back 2 blocks to be surrounded by hundreds of people. I have learned being alone or surrounded by people will not necessarily directly effect feelings of loneliness. Instead I sucked back my snotty nose, stood up and walked back to my car. Got in and went to work to pick up a few boxes that I had set aside for my eventual but now soon, move. I dropped the boxes and came to R’s house. I am checking on her cat while she is away for the weekend. He would be okay by himself, but often when he gets lonely he pukes. I empathize. I had a nap on the couch with the cat, I still feel that solitude, and I am sad. I am not brave enough to work on my homework, the list of things I have not been honest to myself about, the trigger I have for the over giving. I don’t have the strength to sit in front of the mirror and work on my self love, or mantras. I couldn’t blog at starbucks because I just want to cry. Luckily the cat doesn’t mind if I cry… I have this next week off, my family is in from calgary, I found a new living situation, I am loved, and appreciated, why so sad today? Maybe I haven’t had enough protein or fat. Maybe it’s just one of those times and days when I should be gentle with myself, not have to rationalize or berate myself for being sad. It could be so many things, or absolutely nothing. I need to let go of having control over every emotion, and let myself feel. Sob, heave, snot and tear. Let my angst and sad leak out and soak as many tissues as I deem fit. It’s the only way to let out the dam, clear out the blockage, truly grieve. Let out my past life or cellular level grief, wrap it up in those soft wood fibres (tissues are a pulp product? Right? Now I need to google it…) and throw it all away.

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