My desolate uterus

I have family in town, my bro and sister in law, and the 2 boys. I appreciate the kid time. We went out to my grandparents today, This is the first time they are meeting the little one. My grandmother turns to me as the baby is crying and asks “aren’t you relieved you don’t have kids?”
Well… no, I am not relieved. Speaking my “truth” I say “no… relieved would not be the word I would use. I am thankful I am not raising a child on my own.” From there the conversation changed and evolved, my Mother interjected something about me being a great aunty. My mother and I had a conversation a few months ago when she said something along the same lines about how I had it easy, not having kids. Then I spent the next 2 hours soaking up tissues on her couch. My decision to not have kids is anything but easy.
I love kids. If you asked my 22 year old self if I would have kids, the answer would have been a resounding YES! At least 2. And then my 23 year old self starting dating a man who didn’t want to have children. I convinced myself that was OK. Or I tried to.
I have always been careful. I have seen kids come into this world unplanned, and get punished for it. I also see how hard it is to raise a child alone. Now, my mother always says I was the best mistake/accident she ever had, and many people adapt, but I have seen some of the struggle of others. I was diligent about my birth control, using a back up as well as the pill. I have only ever had 3 scares, a broken condom, a paranoid afternoon where I was just a few hours late, and once that was a warranted, panic inducing week. I have never had an abortion, I don’t think I could. My guess is the religious upbringing mixed with a buried desire to have children.
I would broadcast my love of children, kids, from around 6 months, when they start to smile, track, giggle. Babies, not really my thing… I don’t know that is true. Babies make me cry. The first time I held Q- tears, Miss Mia- the same. Upon reflection, I do prefer kids, I enjoy the interaction. Babies are like pushing on a bruise, not painful, but tender. They really reflect that I wanted kids.
I made my decision, I unequivocally did not want to force my ex into anything he didn’t want. I put his desire to not procreate above my own needs or wants. I consoled myself with other peoples children, taking friends kids to events, babysitting for my boss, Spending time with my nephews and nieces. Shopping for the kids, desperate for quality time. I would be the favourite aunt, because I thought my life with my ex and childless would be forever.
I have never had to feel the heartbreak of a miscarriage, or wanting children and being unable to conceive, I am thankful that I haven’t felt that searing emotional pain.
However, I’ve never had the chance to try. A few months ago, when I got the results of my hormone test, I was feeling especially dismal. Low progesterone means I could get pregnant, sure, it more than likely would end in miscarriage, again and again. I am already 33 years old, young enough, people can have babies safely into their 40’s. I still feel like I am running out of time. You meet someone you like, spend a year dating? Move in together? Maybe live together for a year, I’m looking at 36 or 37. With my 33 year old body having issues making the right hormones to cary a baby, that isn’t likely to improve. Did I waste my child bearing years with a man who didn’t want what I did. I can’t think of it as a waste or I will make myself crazy. I love kids, but I don’t feel like I must birth them in order to love them, the genetic matter makes no difference to me. I would foster, adopt, be a step parent in a heart beat. Okay, these are all good things, but then I am dating men with kids, men who shouldn’t put me first, because I think kids should come first. There I am coming in down the list again, putting other peoples needs and wants before my own.
Or, I date someone who wants kids, we are still looking at a couple years, and then, will I be able to? Will I feel like a failure because my women parts don’t work on command? I am terribly afraid of disappointing my (right now imaginary) mate. My hormone levels have improved, the work I’ve done to eat well, exercise, deal with my depression and stress, my body feels better. However the inability to get pregnant, would stress most women, which directly effects hormones, which would make it hard to get pregnant, which would make you stressed… I’m dizzy…
Right now, this worry doesn’t deserve to be on my radar, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t even have a dating profile. I have to learn how to cope with me. I am not saying that I have it hard, I know so many going thru the heartbreak of trying to get pregnant, or that have children and know the struggle associated with finding a balance and a personal life. Yes, I am fortunate that I can take the time for myself, I can focus on me, as a single unit. I have freedoms that many people do not, and peace and quiet is never overrated. (as heard from a friend). But am I relieved I don’t have children? No. Is it easier not having children? For some things, yes, but It comes with a whole other set of heartbreaks. I am confident that I will have children in my life, I am a great aunt, that will have to be enough, at least for now.

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