Stalling

I know what I have to do. I have the tools, and the will. I need to start. I’m like the person out for a run, standing at the trail head, fiddling with my ipod, stretching, tying my shoes, all important things, but stalling. Absolutely. After my last post, I immediately felt better, stupid MrNRN… went for dinner with a friend, we had a great time… laughing about dating and we came up with some great ideas including glossy cutesey profile pictures, me baking cookies, the cookies etc. Was some laughs, I think the table beside us thought we were on a date. He asked me what I was looking for, bed warmer, companion, whatever… I didn’t have an answer for him, which tells me, I’m not ready. I went home and checked facebook, saw that Goldy had a party with friends and family. SO important as dopamine from hanging out with friends and loved ones is a natural pain killer. However… I didn’t know about it and immediately felt left out.
I felt left out because for 10 years I wasn’t invited. I felt like I wasn’t enough, fun, pretty, whatever. Like my ex wasn’t proud of me. I let someone else dictate how I felt about myself. I need to go through this bag of negative feeling, emotions, insecurities and pull out the things that aren’t mine. I know this, and yet I keep stalling. It’s hard, why it’s called work…
I texted Goldy the next day, I was wondering how he was doing and feeling post party, he said he should have phoned me. It was a little fundraiser, but he claims I have done enough for him. Remember me not helping until someone asks me for help? I’ve been trying to stick to that. He is a good man, and he is right, if we were dating, yes, he should have phoned me. We are friends, not dating, I don’t think he needs the guilt, and I would have felt guilty not going despite having plans. The long and short of the situation was that I felt my stomach knot because I’m dragging along this bag of hurt feelings and bruised esteem, for years now. I woke up this morning tight in my neck, and phlegmy again, I have to quit putting it off. I need to buy a new box of tissue, a couple poster boards and dig into it. I was using the excuse that my house isn’t a comfy spot, I don’t feel at ease, but maybe I can work out all this angst and leave it there. Start fresh in a new space, head space as well as physical. I suggested I do it while packing but Vanessa called me out, it would be a distraction, and I deserved to give myself my undivided attention. Dammit she is right… and I appreciate the tough love. Cherise agrees I need to stay on the road to awesome, I’ve turned onto it… now I need to pick up some speed. She asked how my homework is going… wasn’t scolding but I could tell she wasn’t thrilled that I had been procrastinating. It is frustrating to watch someone that you love and care about suffer, to watch them come right up to the answer to their problems and stop short. I don’t want to cause anyone that suffering, I will do the work. And it will end my suffering. So I’ll be doing it for me, and the ripple effect is just a welcome byproduct.

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