When you find yourself amongst stars

I have the most incredible people around me. People who are kind, intuitive, smart, funny, supportive. I am dazzled by the brilliant light they shine. The sparkle that illuminates my every day. These people, call, text, visit, read my blog, I feel so much love. When I think of all the wonderful people I know it moves me to tears, but then crying is kinda my thing…
My family is un real, friends are dazzling, my co workers, generally are pretty great too. I was telling my boss I was lucky… he said having good staff was no accident. Another person who dismissed luck as the reason for my successes.
Vanessa and I were texting last week, or the week before? We were talking about the feeling like you don’t deserve, love, affection, or the acclaims you are given. How we continually minimize the effort and hard work we put into promotions, scuffing them up by blaming luck. I was lucky I was offered that promotion, ignoring the 12 hour days that were put in, the effort and attention to details, being the best (codependent trait, but also part of being a type-A). I have a real issue with people who are entitled. The world doesn’t owe you shit, and narcissists, well I feel bad for them, people who think they are a big deal, generally are covering up enormous insecurities, seething self hate. There is a balance between the two sides, funny that both extremes on either end are rooted in poor self worth.
I always get comments from other people, “You have great friends or family” I fancy myself a collector of fantastic people, for decades now. I find the Keepers…
L texted me one morning, at 9:30. And what she said sent me to my desk with a box of tissues. I sat by myself in the office and had a good cry. She sent “You know how you always say you are surrounded by awesome friends? Have you ever thought that maybe the awesomeness radiates from the center of the circle?? From you?” I Bawled. I felt like it was an outrageous claim, that I propagated any of this amazing behaviour in any way, shape or form. I had been minimizing my part in these relationships, scuffing up the “shine” with luck.
I know I am a good friend, I am loyal, and thoughtful (numbers 20 & 21 on my list of 108 things I like about myself, and yes that is where I am at for that… for now…). I know many people do not have the volume and magnitude of friendships I have, mainly because they haven’t cultivated them. I also know every interaction between 2 people, takes effort from both sides, or immense effort from one codependent person, (hahaha). So why did this simple and sweet 2 sentences send my into the comfort of my tissue box? Because I am working on improving my opinion of myself. Giving myself accolades. Accepting help. Loving me. Astounding it’s such a foreign concept…
So when you find yourself surrounded by stars? It may be safe to assume you are the sun, that you have attracted this light and love with your gravitational pull. That you are loved because you are loveable. Terrible people don’t have or keep so many great friends a wise woman once told me…


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