I need help

I am an asshole. I suck at asking for help. How is that for negative self talk… I am approaching the busiest weekend of the year at work. I am overwhelmed. Trying to get out of my house, get moved, blog, read, feel good, and keep telling myself I have enough time and money to take care of myself. Worrying about only myself. I haven’t been to the gym in a week, and work is insane. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep, but I get to bed, and lay there, not sleeping. Really.. it’s just 4 days. I get thru the next 4 days, and I am solid gold. However being a long weekend, there are friends in town, and things to do on top of it all. I am declining activities because previously I would say yes, and find myself driving 2 hours for a visit, and then 2 hours home to stay up all night to do the things I didn’t get done. Like a damn fool.
I have to do the stuff at work, I was better this year at delegating, I put away 8 of the 18 pallets instead of all of them like last year. I am working 9 hours, not the 14 per day that last year was. I have more staff on, and am better prepared than previous years. I am even taking off one glorious day this weekend to SUP with Karma, beach and hit a concert with the Lovely Brooke.
I have this hang up that because I am taking that day off I have to spend it moving, or have moved most of my stuff to deserve it. So messed up the torturous expectations I put on myself. I have paid rent until Aug 15, so my stuff can stay there until then if need be. I could ask for help. I have so many friends that have offered, that’s right volunteered to help me pack and move. I feel guilty letting them spend their free time doing something for me. Would I help them? I think so. Many I have helped in the past, but I don’t keep score like that. People have messaged me to help me move, and I minimize, “oh, well most of it is done,” Or, “there isn’t much”. While that is true, if it isn’t that much, why can’t I accept the help? The not much that I need to move isn’t a huge imposition especially to these amazing people who have volunteered their help. I feel like if I do accept the help and put them out I must return the favour with some grandiose gesture. I owe them. I feel guilty that they are spending vacation time or days off moving my stuff.
The sad fact is I will struggle thru it, when people who love me are willing and able to help. I will deny them the pleasure of my company, and the good feeling that you get from helping someone in need. Sounds pretty selfish… Or I can admit, work will be crazy the next few days, and I will not worry about moving, I will enjoy saturday guilt free, and then yes, I will accept those offers of help. I can do it alone, but who wants to…? Then I will recognize my fantastic friends with kind words, and warm hugs. Everyone will feel good.

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One thought on “I need help

  1. NolaM says:

    You are right… Your father got off the phone with a grin… “She is gonna save me a box to move. Maybe you will get one too!” We like to DO when we visit. It doesn’t feel like we pull our own weight otherwise.
    You do come from some wacky people you know?
    I am just so tickled you are addressing these issues. Free form… just because you can.
    I recall being surprised last year. Stopped in to donate to the Community Centre where I did my ‘work’ in my late 20’s… I was introduced around like a Rock Star by the director and asked her… What was all that about?
    She said, “You are always the one example I give of someone who changed her life because it made sense. Usually people only change because they hit rock bottom. It becomes more painful to continue on than to change. You changed without being forced to.”
    I mumbled something about doing things the lazy way….got an eyeroll…

    I look around me at people that are being forced by extreme events in their lives to change and adapt. Health, wealth, habits, relationships. employment, addictions.
    I remember a girlfriend once telling me that in rooting out a lot of our family disfunction I had made things easier for you kids.
    I told her… No…You would have your own issues to deal with. Everyone in this world does have WORK to do. Personal soul work.
    You can either CHOOSE to do it or it will drag you screaming down into a dark hole and force you to deal with it.

    The gift was that we had modelled that getting help and working on progress was an ongoing process, That once you get the boulders and big rocks moved… you will still be shooting marbles the rest of your life.
    It becomes almost fun game to spot the whoopsies and laugh at yourself as you do a correction.
    Not BS’ing yourself when honesty would do becomes the EASY’er way.
    To witness that there was a brighter world on the other side, that change was not a bad thing.
    One of my best moments was one day when you sat your father and I down (After a family event) and said, “Thanks… I cannot imagine my life if you hadn’t got your shit together.”
    There will come a time… really quick here… checking watch… that you will also wipe your brow and feel grateful that the universe chose to make you fall into this particular muddy ditch… at this time.
    Everything happens for a reason in it’s due time.
    Once you get to the… “I am…Insert name…an…pick your identifier…”.
    A whole new world of growth opens up.
    Because that is when you realize that YOU are the only thing you can change.
    Like everyone in your life is also running in an egg on the spoon life race.
    You learn to keep your eye on your own egg.
    Keeping an eye on someone else’s is a waste of time and not helpful to anyone.
    Of course… with all the heat, your egg becomes hard boiled and if it falls off, you just pick it up, rebalance and continue on.
    Eventually you get to the picnic at the end and eat egg salad sandwiches. .
    Or maybe a better word picture is that you have to get cracked to hatch at the end… I dunno.

    I have never run into a single person that has regretted self improvement.
    Not to discount the effort of the process but life is sweet out the other side.
    Backpat and hug.

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