Mirror mirror

There is a hierarchy of attractiveness. Cute is an entry level, then you can up grade to Pretty. Beautiful is a solid standing, Gorgeous is supercharged, and Stunning is the fully loaded diamond standard.
I am struggling to feel Pretty. In the pack and move, I have no idea where my scale or measure has gone, it’s in a box somewhere. But my clothes fit well, loose. I haven’t been to the gym in a couple weeks, but I feel strong and lean. I need to eat better, unpack my kitchen and grocery shop, eating cereal for dinner isn’t great for me. My depressive prone brain needs fat and protein, not sugar. I am really trying to be easy on myself, not stay up all night organizing and unpacking, but I feel some guilt going to blog when I have things to do at home. Or today, where I woke up, threw up, went to work, did what I needed to, threw up again, and came home for some soup and a nap. Could I have stuck out a day at work? Sure, but would it have been the best thing for me? No. Probably not. I still feel a little guilty leaving early.
What’s my problem? I haven’t done my hair in a few months, I am in desperate need of a trim, my Lashes were done a few weeks ago, and could use a fill, My teeth are nice, but I did notice my eye teeth were a little on the yellow side in a picture I saw of myself. Would anyone notice these things about me? Probably not. My hair is dry, but a warm, strawberry blonde, falling in long waves and curls. My lashes fringe expressive green eyes. You only see my eye teeth when I am smiling, and that should outshine the slight yellow of a couple teeth.
this is me right now…

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Am I feeling this way because I haven’t been to the gym? Maybe, those exercise endorphins seem to make the world a better place. Am I repressing emotions, and making myself feel sick? Yes. That is happening. Feeling achy and sick makes it hard to feel pretty… Maybe that cute boy at the gym that isn’t there to tell me I’m pretty every day is what I’m missing. Maybe I have spent too much time in my office instead of on the floor at work. And moving and unpacking hasn’t afforded me much time for people watching. Maybe I need to date again, it feels like a cop out looking for that external validation. And will I really feel pretty? I was at the bar last weekend and there were droves of cute out of towners. I still can’t seem to bring myself to flirt. When did I forget how? I used to be really good at it. I thought I was, the brash confidence of youth. And really great tits. I had amazing 20 year old tits. I read that when you have sex you are more attractive to the oposite sex. I have had zero, no… negative sex drive the last couple months, i am not putting out the vibe. I’ve been consumed with working on myself, I bet I’m putting out the F-OFF vibe. Perhaps it’s that I haven’t had a woman I don’t know, a stranger tell me I’m pretty in a couple weeks. I always put more value on women telling me I’m pretty. Because women are so critical of each other, and usually they don’t have a desire to have sex with me. They actually think I’m pretty, not a sexually charged or weighted compliment, and inner beauty doesn’t count.
Would going to the bar and getting a pile of tourist phone numbers make me feel better? Or would the woman in line behind me at starbucks telling me I’m pretty help? Writing a dating profile and getting 18 messages make me feel pretty? Yep, but only for a while.
I’ll still have days where all I can see is my back up chin. Nothing will fit right. That I will obsess about my belly, or my love handles. That I will feel rejected or insecure. Everyone has dysmorphia of some type here and there. I might have to fake it till I make it, but I will make myself feel pretty, beautiful…gorgeous…stunning. Let my light shine, feeling pretty counts for more than fancy shoes and makeup. What I think matters more than anyone else, now I need to convince me… but I’m not easily swayed.

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One thought on “Mirror mirror

  1. Vanessa says:

    Go to the mirror right now, look yourself in the eyes and tell YOURSELF you’re pretty. It’s more powerful than hearing if from anyone else. You need to hear it from yourself

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