sparks

I had a text a couple days ago from one of my date turned guy friends. He had gone on a date with a girl. He liked her, “she has a great sense of humour and laughs a lot.” he told me the day after. A while later I got another text that she just hadn’t felt a “spark” that the chemistry wasn’t there. He was frustrated, and understandably. I have been there. All any of us are looking for is someone we like, and that likes us back. Someone you would like to spend all day saturday with.
What the heck is a spark, or chemistry, or that feeling? Is it something felt instantly, like a drug injected into a vein? Does is sneak up on you slowly like shadows making their way along the ground? Is it like waves crashing on the shore, out of reach and then suddenly upon you? There are dozens of romantic comedies that play out every situation. Oh I almost forgot the, don’t know what you have till it’s gone, where you don’t have that feeling until the other person is dating/marrying/with someone else, or has shut you out.
There is no denying you are inherently, and primally attracted to some people more than others. Chemically it’s pheromones, hormone cycles and the moon. It’s your dating history, your upbringing and your baggage. That “feeling” isn’t always a good decision maker. It’s heart beating, blood pulsing stupidity sometimes. Often libido and lust will be mistaken for that feeling, but It counts as chemistry.
I was crazy about MrNRN. But it wasn’t a good crazy. It was a hormone imbalance, blind eye for warning flags, low self worth feeling. Goldy gave me a “feeling”… I remember talking to Cherise after the date (as I did with all the dates) and just telling her again and again “I LIKE him”. Did I stretch into a romantic relationship based on like. Yeah I did, because my codependent self likes to take hostages… but on the other hand, there should be a base of like for romantic relationships… right? Right, yes, I think so, or you have lust. Intensity, passion, but not love. When he said there was a million things he liked about me, but he didn’t get that feeling, whatever that feeling was, (and he said he had never had it before), I was crushed. I have a sparkle, I’m magnetic, and he couldn’t see a romantic relationship type future. I have a galaxy of stars gravitationally drawn to me for christ’s sake. But was the feeling I had for him, immense like, lifelong friend type like? If I set down my relationship baggage, and what I felt I SHOULD be in a romantic relationship would I discover that he was right? We like each other, but not romantically? Maybe we are too much the same, two magnets with the same pull don’t stick together very well, but can remain side by side. I have to consider that the reason he didn’t get a “feeling” has more to do with him than me. And then of course maybe it’s all because of the timing…
Chemistry and feelings are also at the mercy of timing. Timing can be a cruel prankster. One downright mean mother f-er. 6 weeks ago I could have been standing beside the man of my dreams, in the line at starbucks, at the gym, and I was so depressed/sad/fucked up I wouldn’t have noticed him. Even now, would I be open to letting someone close enough to spark?
I know I have had feelings and chemistry with people, but have I ever had the “feeling”? Or did I just convince myself I had? What was ruling my decision making? I can absolutely say I haven’t been open to my emotions, or desires for over a decade. So any “feelings” could certainly be contrived. Delicately and intricately fabricated so they look real. Crafty bitch that I am.
Does desperation to be in a relationship kill the spark? It’s like a wet blanket, desperation. A blanket that has been wet for a long time, it has a specific stench. Not knowing what you want dampers a spark too. How will you know when you have found what you are looking for, if you don’t know what you want or need. I didn’t know, I thought I did, and I still have a general outline, but the design keeps changing… adapting…
How could I give someone else a feeling when I didn’t feel good about myself? I didn’t appreciate, forgive, or even especially like myself. I didn’t feel like I deserved good things, happiness, attention. I have to feel a spark with myself… before I can worry about giving anyone else a “feeling”.
I think people will use the no chemistry line when there is something they don’t like and cannot express. Because it’s petty, or hurtful, or beyond your control in some way. It’s an easy way out. Instead of saying “I don’t find you attractive” you can say there was no chemistry. I had one guy with a laundry list of ailments, serious physical and mental conditions, and instead of telling him “I am not prepared to sign up to help you carry those freight cars loaded full of issues” I told him there wasn’t “chemistry”. And then I felt guilty. I had one guy tell me early on he didn’t feel “chemistry” with me, and I had to agree, I thought he was a D-bag, and he was just looking for a hook-up.
What are “sparks”? What does the “feeling” feel like? And when can one expect to get it? Unfortunately, no one can predict it, explain it, if you could, it would be priceless! And then once you could package and buy it, it would lose it’s specialness… just no winning. It’s a beautiful thing, and I hear it happens when you least expect it. That I can believe, when you consider all the pieces that have to fall perfectly together to make it happen.

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