A special kind of special

I am feeling like a catastrophe today. I had an amazing weekend filled with all sorts of great things and people, but not a moment to myself. A visit with Goldy, who is like uppers for my mood. I LIKE him, and just hanging out, chatting is relaxing, I lose track of time and its always fun with him. Then my fantastic parents came down to see my new home, and move the last few things. They sat and visited while I unpacked my kitchen. I haven’t cooked much of anything in months, but I have two full cupboards of canned and dry goods. I am weird about food, still shopping like I cook. The secret is out, I like the way unopened cereal boxes all lined up in the cupboard looks. Food porn.
My parents took me out for a late lunch and then I met L&T to show off the new home. They had offered to help me move, but because I was already done they helped me move myself, to the bar. And they bought me dinner. See, I have the greatest friends!
The next morning I walked down to the market, wandered with S, then met up with Cherise and Mia, we had a great time, peach fest, so fair rides, live music and sunshine. After Miss Mia went to bed Cherise and I drank wine and ate cheese. The next day was a beach trip, lunch and then a channel float with my girl R. I love girl dates!! Unfortunately I managed to lose my spare car key somewhere in my house, and woke up this morning with an ache and sore throat again. My body is telling me I need to take a little time for myself. So today I worked, had a therapist appointment and then a short gym session with Karma. Blogging, and then a phone date with Vanessa. and bed early!!! dammit…
I think I’m ready to start dating again. I feel like I am over my Ex. Really truly and finally. It only took 3 long years, 274 blog posts, (more than 13600 reads… thanks guys), a bout of depression, 6 sessions with a naturopath, 3 with massage therapy, 5 therapist, a half dozen self help books, hundreds of starbucks visits, thousands of text messages, daily even, (again, amazing friends!) hundreds of phone-calls, and dozens of boxes of tissue. I can’t give him credit for all that ailed me, I have repressed emotions, like anger and been codependent for a lifetime. Things that have been modelled my whole life. And change, well, it is hard. Even my ma, when she asked how my visit with Goldy was, she also asked what I brought him. Junk food? Something nutritious? Obviously I didn’t show up empty handed… Hahaha! I explained to her that I asked him if I could bring anything, repeatedly, but respected his answer when he said no, I should just bring myself. It felt odd, but he didn’t need anything, and I had to trust he knew best what he did or did not need. She smiled at me, her mother always kept baking under the passenger seat, so she never arrived anywhere empty handed. My mother adapted that, you always bring SOMETHING, and it was passed down generationally. Funny that I never expect something from my visitors, but I felt like I must always bring something. There are all sorts of family skeletons from both of my parents that created the codependency, family history of alcoholism, workaholism, and other assorted “isims” that I can’t publicly post about. No, I don’t want to publicly post about. It isn’t my job to analyze or fix anyone but myself. Now when I think about my ex, I no longer feel, mad or sad or regret. I have grieved it! Whooohooooooo! I am free!
I had a therapist appointment today, she said I was very proactive, and she felt like I was over the hump (hahahaha…hump…). I think we broke up today, she feels like I don’t need to see her as long as I stay on this path. She will check on me in around a month, and she said that she would appreciate if I would share my goals with her, (the ones I need to make) because she feels like I am destined for great things. Her telling me I’m destined for great things was touching, and made me cry. I have heard this from others, repeatedly, and I am so afraid of letting people down, what if this is as great as I get? Selling myself short, this greatness is enough, and people love me. If this is where I stay… It’s already great.

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One thought on “A special kind of special

  1. Vanessa says:

    Sounds like your instructor notices your body is acheiving great things…. I love yoga for bring us back to ourselves. In to our bodies. Your “home” is within yourself 🙂 love you lady

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