I have beautiful form

I just completed 75 minutes of yoga. It is the first time in over a year I have done a class. There have been a handful of times the last year where I rolled out my mat, blocks and straps at the ready, done one or two sun salutations, and then collapsed into a heap of tears on my mat. (an aside there is a guy I went on a date with on the patio a starbucks… smoking… yuck. “My dates Dad” and he looks even older this year.) A few years ago the first time my ex and I broke up, I did a LOT of yoga. If a person could yoga an unhealthy amount, I was attempting it. The compulsive yoga is likely what prevented a complete break down with that break up. 5 or 6 days a week. But I didn’t eat or sleep… so the good I was doing with the yoga was counteracted with the mania and self hate of depriving myself. Cherise would call and ask me if I had eaten that day, not what, but IF. I dropped to a sickly 140lbs. And I was so god dammed proud of myself. A zombie, but a zombie with a hot body…
Where was I… practiced yoga, compulsively, and sometimes during chavasana at the end I would lay there and cry, tears streaming down my face and pooling on my yoga mat, trying to sob silently and suck back snot as to not disturb those around me. I had a phone date with Vanessa and I was telling her about my reoccurring sore throat, she suggested fish pose, and I confessed my yoga/crying connection. I told her I would go to a class tonight. I was afraid I would cry thru the whole thing. Now it’s one thing to cry at a home studio, where they know you, what your struggles are and where your emotion is stemming from. This studio, it isn’t home, I’ve been 4 times in 2 years, all when I first moved. Would I walk in off the street and then just sog up my mat? Shit…
I payed my drop in, and laid out my mat. I really should have washed it, as it was treacherously slippery, but maybe my tears would clean the dust off. The instructor started class, and I started to well, my eyes brimmed, but nothing fell. We started with sun salutations, just 3 of each, and by the time we were thru the instructor had cruised by my mat a couple times and remarked that I have beautiful form. Well shucks… Yoga is not competitive, or boastful, but I was reassured that the years of classic indian ashtanga practice had not gone to waste. My body remembered.
I have always had a good body awareness, and been flexible. The last year at the gym has made me stronger, but many gym exercises create tension. I was relieved I hadn’t erased the yoga practice from my body. We did a few inversions, they have a tendency to bring up emotion, with repressed emotion, they are never my favourite…They made my body zing, but I didn’t cry. Once again I nearly overflowed with tears at the end, but not a drop spilled. I made it, an entire practice with no tears. AMAZING! I chatted with the instructor at the end, asking if there were any other ashtanga classes in town, once a week, is limiting. She didn’t know of any, and she asked where I was from. I confessed to not having practiced in a while but my “home studio” was kelowna. She laughed and said she could have guessed. I have beautiful form. And I’ll try to remember that tomorrow when I hurt in places I forgot I even had muscles…

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2 thoughts on “I have beautiful form

  1. Vanessa says:

    Sounds like your instructor noticed your body is achieving great things… I love yoga for rooting us back in ourselves. Back in our bodies. Your “home” is within yourself. Love your guts lady.

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