Is that… am I… excited?

And a little anxious. I am ready to date. I think. Or I thought. I feel good, over my ex, better about myself. I have a new home space that feels measurably better. I was never a fan of my old suite, convincing myself it was temporary (2 years later) And there was something about living up there that always made my skin crawl. If I had been more aware of trusting my feelings I would have indeed moved long before I did. It was not a good environment.
I told Cherise about my decision to date again, and we had a conversation about what I liked and didn’t. (I still need to list the 108 things I like about myself…shit…). I hadn’t realized that Cherise, living close by, in the 10 years with my ex, saw him a grand total of 3 times outside of coming to our house. No wonder I felt like I got SO MUCH from Goldy. I would have guessed 7or 8 times, I hadn’t realized how isolated he was from my friends and family. Now it would have been one thing if she lived hours away, but 30 min? I saw her at least once a month on average. Mind blowing.

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I admitted to not writing a profile last time. I didn’t feel good about myself, and in retrospect wasn’t even close to ready to date. I felt like enough time had passed I should be ready, but I hadn’t dealt with the grief, or guilt. I felt better than I had, but wasn’t healed. I was on Match to start, a paid site. I did the quiz and filled out the questionnaire. But my profile was short, I had a picture and a handful of interests. I didn’t spend much time “shopping” for men, relying on my matches and men that contacted me. After MrNRN I went for volume and full blown distraction. Plenty of fish, where again I didn’t write a profile, I said “you won’t read 100 words, you are just going to look at the picture”. After #13, I added that men should be self sufficient and independent. I felt like #13 wanted to take me hostage. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I’m not sure I did. I just wanted to be loved and the idea of loving myself seemed completely foreign. I still don’t 100% think I know what I want. So am I ready to date? Not writing a profile, I was weighting most of the attention I got, purely on my physical appearance. Remarkable for a girl who struggles with feeling pretty. Again I relied on men that contacted me, there was only a handful of instances I initiated contact. If anyone showed interest I would meet them. Not being terribly selective trying to get thru 40 dates. Astounding that with my standards set so low I met someone as amazing as Goldylocks. I didn’t believe that I deserved good things, (and neither does he, but he is wrong! I was wrong too, we both deserve, great, amazing and spectacular!!))
I came down to starbucks to write my profile, I am actually going to write one this time, and maybe not post a picture? However I am anxious about it. I was manic and distracted before. I need to remind myself that just because I have a profile it does not mean I have to go on a single date, send a single e-mail, or really do a thing with it. I wonder about the emotional stress of dating. As soon as I decided I would write a profile, I got a head cold. I did run out of some of my supplements, not being able to get into the naturopath till the beginning of september. I guess I am not yet cured. So was the head cold just straight up germ related? Or did the stress of dating again induce a response? It’s not a completely out there notion that our thoughts and feelings control our physical health. Theres also the matter of this crater I have on my head. I have good skin, rarely do I break out, but currently I have the worlds largest zit.
I did not write a profile today, I procrastinated, I did some work, I blogged, I chatted with Karma, I grocery shopped, and then I came home, Visited with BRE and her friend, and cooked, thai salad, and spinach salad for the week (to go with the banana bread I made yesterday), potato salad, BBQ’ed steaks and basil tomato salad for dinner, cherry cheesecake for desert. I watched true blood, I am excited to start dating again, different than last time. Selective, thoughtful, and with my own best interests needs and wants forefront in my mind. Maybe after I write the 108 things I like about myself… then I’ll write a dating card, maybe… Since I took the pressure off myself to put up a profile, my throat isn’t as sore, and my lymph nodes have gone down… Weird… I wonder if my enormous zit will be gone tomorrow… A girl can dream!

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2 thoughts on “Is that… am I… excited?

  1. I’m glad you are cooking again 🙂

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