You can’t win if you don’t play

I did it. I wrote a profile. My book (the power of now- ekhart tolle, that I have now finished). Said “do it now, or do not do it at all.” He wasn’t referring specifically to dating of course. But why was I putting it off? Insecurity. What if I don’t have what boys are looking for? Not pretty, or smart or rich enough. I have never before failed online dating, based predominately on a picture. Never been accused of being un intelligent. I manage to pay my bills and take care of myself. None of these statements are true about me. Fear. What if I meet some psychopath? They look just like everyone else…What if I revert back to my people pleasing, mothering tendencies? How do I make sure I remain a “bitch” and keep my own fledgling dreams and hopes alive. Like new shoots in the spring, they are so delicate, eager but vulnerable. Delusional fantasy. What if Goldylocks comes to the realization I’m a damn catch? And that he deserves someone as spectacular as I am? And the fairy of past relationships and real life comes and waives her fairy dust over him miraculously and instantaneous solving all of his problems… making the world sparkle with that fine iridescent glitter I would imagine fairy dust is made of… that would be amazing I bet he wishes for that too…
The scape goat of time. I am not ready, I don’t have a toe hold on my future, I am still running back to swim in my past. The right time is now. The book I just finished was talking about relationships and enlightenment, this passage spoke to me:
“Once you have identified with some form of negativity you do not want to let go. On a deeply unconscious level you do not want positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed angry or hard done by person. You will then ignore deny or sabotage the positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.”
So was that what was happening? I was a sad single girl? A girl that men would leave to live in regret rather than work on things with me? A girl that found men that weren’t equipped (at this time) to give me what I need or want? Clinging and sticking in relationships that didn’t work for me. Now this is all deeply unconscious, “Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict or pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dispel the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness.” Or this beauty, “relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness, they bring out the pain and unhappiness inside.” I realized that my relationships become addictions. “Addiction to another person, the incompleteness looks to fill ego, and nothing is ever enough to give lasting fulfillment.” Great… but makes perfect sense. I am light years away from enlightenment, but I saw a single beam for a moment with this one.
I came to the realization I have NO idea how this is supposed to look. Dating. I have been held hostage, isolated. I have done those things to myself because that’s what I thought a relationship should look. I have swung madly in the other direction, a mania of dates without discrimination. Like a squirrel darting from tree to tree. Why was finding someone I actually LIKED in Goldy so amazing? Shouldn’t I feel like anyone I choose to spend my time with going forward, are men that I like? It will be a struggle, living in the now, and listening to myself. Like an anorexic learning to eat again?
I wrote my profile, taking a couple hours to thoughtfully describe myself, and a bit of what I’d been through. I was anxious about it, and forwarded it to a few of my girls to read. Was it too much info? Was it real? Was it honest? Sometimes it’s hard to be honest with yourself. The feed back was generally good, the consensus made a few changes to paragraph placement, hook them in, and then once they are hooked you can dump out the long relationship, therapy, and the insane dating last year. And “dump out” I did. Maybe too much, but I was trying to screen out, deter a few crazies. I don’t want to hide who I am, I want to celebrate the strength and progress I have made. I deliberated, but I posted a picture. I am pretty dammit, and I don’t want to hide who I am. I also thought maybe some of the boys that had e-mailed or been on dates with me already would then screen themselves out.
The first day, I had 24 new messages. 3 of them were from men I had been on dates with already. I posted a current picture, taken a couple weeks ago, and I guess they didn’t recognize me? I am the one that went on 30 dates, shouldn’t I be the one to forget? I did get a message from a 45 year old married man looking for “nothing serious” that told me disclosing that I had been to a therapist would deter “contenders”. I responded that a real “contender” would embrace my work to better myself and that his opinion was heard, but in my opinion, he was mistaken (aside from the fact he is MARRIED and on POF). And then I blocked him. That was the only negative message I got. I was inundated with “wows” and acclaim for the honest, witty and refreshing write up. Men like honesty and wit? I thought it was just big boobs? (totally kidding). I responded to every email, and inspected each profile and then looked at a few profiles on my own. nearly 3 hours sitting on the floor in the livingroom with Bre and her sister. I think new users are splashed up on the main page, it should be the “fresh meat” section. Which is why I had such a volume of attention. Every time I go to check my messages, It shows that I am online, and I get more messages. It actually deters me from going on to check them. 3 hours is not a sustainable amount of time to spend online messaging strangers. It means I have less time for unpacking which I still need to do, cooking, which is exciting when you have someone to cook for, and blogging which keeps me sane. There have been some changes to POF since last time I had a profile, men can no longer send women private messages (too many dick pictures). You cannot as a new user put a hot or gmail address into the message field. I understand why this happened, but it means I need to find another method of intermediate screening. And then I realize. If I don’t feel comfortable giving these men my phone number, I don’t need to. There is nn need for intermediate screening, No reason for me to meet any of the 63 ( I know, crazy..) men that have checked a yes or maybe box under the meet me heading.
I will still make mistakes, be mislead and lied to. It will be a struggle to find a balance, but I am in it, now. Right now.

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