Monthly Archives: October 2013

Possibly the oddest walk in clinic experience.

I had a birthday. I have now been on the planet 34 years. I have now made it to the age and station in life where my friends need notice to make plans. Spouses, kids, family, grown up work responsibilities. I now need to give people notice if I want them to show up. After last year the amazing L organized a surprise party, I figured my birthday celebration history peaked at that. She is amazing, and so organized, I think my friend T hit the wife jackpot! Anyways, never a huge birthday celebrator, the attention is uncomfortable, I procrastinated and made no plans until a couple days before. Friday morning I was pulling out my Tickle trunk to peruse costumes, and I smashed my toe. Stubbed it good on the door sill of the storage room. Running late already on my way to work, I didn’t even have time to swear at it much. I went to work and put in a full day, considering wether or not I should drill a hole thru my nail. With nail polish on-it looked okay…
Friday after work I went to Kelowna, picked up caramel latte, and went to scandia with Cherise, L&T. I felt like I couldn’t truly enjoy the DDR experience with my injured toe, but I powered thru. I had fun playing video games, I hope my company did too. From there we went for dinner at Joeys, and then Caramel latte and I visited with the King. You know you are getting old then you show up at a friends house at 10 pm on a friday night, and he is asleep on the couch, and then you find yourself talking about CBC programming. 10 pm on a friday night. Haha.
I spent most of Saturday drinking coffee in my onesie in bed. Visited with BRE, Karma took me for lunch and brought me a cupcake. I had 2 naps, and texted/chatted on the phone all day. My toe was still sore, but not throbbing, so I didn’t do anything about it.
I went back to Kelowna to meet Lib and we headed out again. Dinner and then the strippers. I went on a date last week, (still haven’t written it, I’m behind) and he met us at the strippers, as well as one of my guy friends. We had some laughs, the people watching was amazing, some really great costumes out and about. The date I still need to write, and name, is really engaging and we had a great time. Good to catch up with Lib too. Of course I was wearing some ridiculously heeled but open toed shoes. My toe was killing me.

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This is what 34 looks like on me

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Finally this morning I couldn’t take it any more. I decided a trip to the DR was necessary. Was it broken, did it need to be drained?
I stopped at Starbucks prepared to be at the walk in for a while. I had them put Brooke’s name on the cup, so we could have a virtual girl date. The girl at Starby’s looked at me like I was CRAZY. She knows my name, and was excessively confused when I ordered and started drinking my usual, with someone else’s name on the cup.

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Thanks for coming to the Dr. with me Brooke 😛

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So I am enjoying the seat in the clinic, drinking my coffee, with Virtual Brooke and reading http://www.rolereboot.org The Dr came in after just a few min. He was cheerful, and immediately asked me what I was doing in town? I have a vernon phone number and my GP is still in vernon. I explained that I lived here, but liked my GP, and rarely being sick, a once a year pap was all I really saw her for. He looked at my toe, moved it around a bit and determined it wasn’t broken, but I’d likely lose my nail, and it needed to be drained. If I was tougher I could have done that myself, but I’m a pansy…
He stepped out, came back with a little drill bit to open up my nail. He asked how I managed to do this to myself, and what costume I was looking for from the tickle trunk, I explained that it was my birthday and had spent the weekend out, he wanted to know what I had done, and then where I worked, why I moved to pen? I explained it as a fresh start after a long relationship, he asked why the relationship failed? In the span of 10 min he had asked more questions than most first dates get in over 45 min of coffee.
I was wondering to myself what any of this had to do with my stubbed toe, but he kept asking questions. He then disclosed that it was his wife’s birthday yesterday as well, and told me about their winery dinner, 8 courses of wonderfulness. In less than 15 min we exchanged a volume of information. After drilling 2 holes draining my toe and administering a band aid, it already felt better. I asked if there was anything special I should do to it? He said just walking on it should be fine. And then he said he would like to see me again. I asked If i needed to see him again? He said not really, but if I was looking for a new GP, He has a practice in town. He repeated his name, told me where his practice was located and said that I should phone and tell them he had accepted me, because although he had a closed practice he would be my family Dr. He said “I think that would be fun”. Fun? What is fun about being my GP? I could regale him with my hi jinx adventures? Once a year with my feet in stirrups? I was generally weirded out. Not creeped out in any way, it wasn’t a creep vibe I got from him, I think he is a super nice guy. Maybe he knows how hard it is to get a GP, people wait on lists for doctors with closed practices? Maybe my high causal REBA score gives me a good “energy” or aura that is attractive to people, and that was at work here? The whole experience was a head shaker. But my toe feels better!

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I’m not fat, I’m fluffy.

Had an… interesting exchange on POF today. It’s actually been going on for a few days, as I only check my messages once or twice a week. I was window shopping looking at pictures and passively man shopping. I went on the “meet me” section, where you can look at a picture, view a profile and simply check a box, yes, no or maybe, if you would be willing to meet. This is how I discovered Goldylocks, he had checked a yes or maybe in this section. If you choose yes or maybe they send an email to that profile, doing a little match making.
I am proud to say there are over 112 users that have deemed me a yes or maybe in the 2 months I have been on POF. Yippie? If both users are green or yellow, the site sends an email that it’s a mutual match. Let the fireworks commence…
This young man (27) had checked a box that said he was willing or maybe willing to meet, and after reading his profile, I figured maybe would be okay for me too. He seemed young even for his age, but… you never know. Shortly after, I got a message from him, our interaction went something like this: (I am paraphrasing as I didn’t think to take a screen shot)
Boy: Hey username
Me: hey username back
boy: how are you?
me: not bad, just lurking a little POF before bed
boy: what would you say your success rate is from meet me messages?
me: uh… I don’t know I’ve ever noticed or given it much thought. Perhaps I should collect some data and make a graph?
boy: okay I want that info by midnight
me: not possible, need more time to tabulate
boy: unacceptable
me: well, luckily no one cares what you think 😛 (I felt it was clear I was joking, apparently not, if you don’t know me)
Boy: you will never “meet” somebody if you cannot carry a conversation. Also you can not put average as your body type when you are clearly BBW.

Okay, for body types there is slender, athletic, average, a few extra pounds and BBW. My BMI is in the average range. Granted my pictures are from august, and there are a couple from feb. I do have a few extra pounds, 10? Or so? (more in feb-august) But really? I was hurt, a little angry. I wanted to rip apart this young man. “Hey” is not a conversation starter. I could very well have chatted, perhaps this was my fault, but there are countless men including Caramel latte that wrote a full paragraph, or two to start a conversation. My headline is “better looking in real life… apparently” Because I have been told numerous times, my profile pictures do me no justice. Angry, and a little hurt, I then realized… He is an idiot. I was sarcastic without a font, and he had no idea of my tone, but when his feelings were hurt he went straight to attack and name calling. He couldn’t come up with a witty or smart retort? Not even an “I know you are but what am I?” I suppose I should have simply said “you are not the boss of me”. Regardless, not what I am looking for, and obviously that is reciprocal. And now I know, if I feel like checking a maybe, I should stick with the no box. Only resounding YESes from here on out. Next week, when I go to check my messages, maybe.

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Birthday week

I have to brag a bit, I have some amazing friends, family, friends who are family. I am thankful and fortunate to have them in my life. I am rapidly approaching yet another birthday, and today especially, feeling old. Cherise has been asking me for a month what we are going to do. I can’t make a decision. There are a pile of things going on, parties and events. But where and with who do I spend my day? And what if people who I want to hang with can’t make it? I will feel rejected, something I have an especially hard time coping with. So I have been frozen, I can not make a decision. I want to do something casual, and fun. I want to spend time with people I love. I hate the pressure. If I spend it in a bar, my friends with kids can’t come, If I’m in kelowna my penticton friends won’t make it.
I am feeling old. And really alone today, which is unexplained as I was surrounded by friends and family all weekend. Out last night at Oktoberfest drinking beer with friends and flirting with boys, #13 was there and so was the 22 year old. The last month has been non stop events, dates, and I’ve had a really great time. But I am feeling very alone on this gorgeous sunny sunday. I can dissect the feeling, and over analyze, run circles in my head. I still will feel alone today.

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struggling and floating, alternately

I have been floating on a cloud. I am in a good place. My emotional health has doubled, my mental health, has increased, as well as my aura, or energy. Unfortunately my physical health has gone down. I am eating like crap. Too much sugar, starbucks, and alcohol. I confess to my naturopath that I have been eating junk, and she suggests a little “cleanse”. I go straight to the psycho- cut out everything, weigh and portion my food frame of mind. I ask how long I should cleanse for? She says, whoa… slow down, I’m talking one day a week, every tuesday cut out sugar and bread. Just tuesday. Or wednesday, or friday, or any day that works. I went straight to the unhealthy relationship with food. The restrictive, punish myself behaviour that goes along with my body issues. Now don’t get me wrong, right now, I’m in love with my body, the curve of my breasts although smaller and lower than before, the round of my hip, my smaller smoother thighs, the small rolls bunched around my middle, that used to be large rolls. I feel better in my clothes, I am a solid size 8-10 depending on manufacture. I feel curvy, sexy. Not heavy or frumpy. My hormones, still are out a bit. I have been asked to take a break from the progesterone to see how my body responds. We have the feeling it’s still low. My thyroid, will likely need help, indefinitely, I find If I miss just one day, my hair comes out like crazy, I’m tired. It may be all in my head, but my thyroid is in my neck, and it really seems to be broken.
I have been inspired to cook again, having BRE to eat with, cook for, and caramel latte is an amazing cook. Cute boy from the gym is a baker, a pie expert. I want to spend more time at home, reading, cooking, baking and writing. I haven’t gone on any dates this week, didn’t even phone or text anyone. Caramel latte came over on wednesday for dinner with BRE and I. He is lovely, really sweet, fun, the dog loved him, which is amazing because the dog barks at everyone, not a peep from him with caramel latte. In fact he was licking his toes, and thank goodness because then I didn’t have to. Hahaha. We had a good chat about dating history, I am still amazed at how poorly I had judged him all those months ago, but am thankful for the timing because a few months ago there is no way I could have pulled this off. Casual dating. Liking a number of people and spending time with them. Going out and doing things, again with different people. Learning new things, exposing myself to new experiences. I have a stack of books suggested from different people, I have heard incredible life stories, and am fascinated with different points of view. My brain is being made love to on a nearly daily basis. Photographs, witty texts, e-mails. I am feeling adored and secure. With myself. On my own. I do get an anxious cloud creeping over me periodically, but I tap it out, breathe it thru. Unfortunately I feel like I may be in heat. After months of zero sex drive while struggling with depression, it has come back, with a vengeance. An enormous throbbing pink monster that I have to keep chained and shackled so it doesn’t run amuck. If it gets free it’s going to parade around town humping anything in sight, rubbing up against every tall, dark and dimpled man for a 100 miles. Could make for some awkward interactions. I need a new toy I think… I am not sure if it was the depression or the pure self loathing and body issues that scared away my sex drive, maybe all of the above, paired with a long relationship that suffered a disparaging difference in sexual drive, I bet I was suffering from rejection.
I think that is the only thing I am missing from classic relationship, is the sex. My naturopath suggested I should have more orgasms, I totally need a new toy. Or maybe I’ll un shackle the sex drive monster, but keep the chains, so I can keep the humping selective.

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#Wine fest#awesome#breakfast dates#cute boy from the gym

I took off a long weekend. The whole thing saturday-monday. This was the first long weekend I have taken off this year. Likely the only one. I was outrageously busy. Thursday night meeting Goldy for a drink, why? Because I like him, and I may be a bit of a masochist. I also stopped in to visit with my Ex for a bit friday eve. Again, why? because I liked him too… and yep, masochist. I seem to have a special talent tormenting myself. Being so busy, I skillfully avoided dates this weekend, mostly. Friday morning the cute boy from the gym, (who I would like to re-name but at this point would be confusing). Messaged me first thing, Breakfast? Heck yes. I had a little care package, it was his birthday a few weeks ago, plus I always have a good time with him.
Breakfast was a leisurely 2 hour event, full of stories, laughter, and of course shameless flirting. I did have to go to work, and he had some errands, but we parted ways with a potential -before the end of the weekend- breakfast date lined up. Turned out I had an extra ticket for the penticton winefest finale, and he didn’t have plans, so he accompanied me. We dressed up a bit, he cleans up great! In a shirt and slacks, He said his range was hobo to bond, and we met somewhere in the middle.
Generally these events are good networking for me, but I keep my wits, do more talking than sampling. This one we talked, but I was intoxicated by the end. Good and drunk. I’m afraid it’s not the most spectacular blog post because it was a really great date. We laughed, we people watched, checked out girls, talked about a variety of things, I was supposed to covertly take sexy shoe pics for caramel latte, but was too involved with the cute boy from the gym and my wine, I forgot. We talked in #hashtags (search justin timberlake and jimmy fallon #), and of course, more shameless flirting. Afterwards we swung by the tourist sign for a #photo op

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After our super model photo shoot we stumbled back to my house, literally across the street, we had planned on going out, but it was still early. We had a glass of wine, and then some pumpkin whiskey. Chatting away. I slipped into something a little more comfortable…

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Yes, that onesie zips all the way to the top! We continued to chat, I was flirting but fairly obtuse, I thought I had made it to “one of the guys” status, he didn’t want to make out with me… Well, he cut straight to the chase, and asked what I wanted. Haha. I wanted to make out with the cute boy from the gym. Sure did. Not looking for anything serious, and that works seeing as he doesn’t live here. I want to do a triathlete. He has done a bunch, was pro… am I going to attain a life goal tonight? I sure hope so…
He is great, we had fun, it was nice to have a date that made a work activity more fun than work. He dropped off a piece of his homemade pumpkin pie with whipped cream before he left town. It put my pie to shame, no comparison. He will be back in november, fingers crossed for a #breakfast date#attaining life goals#moodmaking onesie #sleepoverparty

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I am not a thing.

I struggle with being objectified. I use my sexuality, I have a lot of it, too much even. I mean I’m no Miley, I think a slow burn, mystery and the tease are key ingredients for the recipe of sexy. Calm and confidence are also a big part. For me anyways. I whine, I complain, but not so secretly delight in the power of my sexuality. I adore dresses, ridiculous shoes, stilettos, wedges, platforms in candy colors and animal prints. I sometimes wear too much eye make up, and my underwear drawer is stuffed full of stringy lacy ball up and put in your change pocket panties. That being said I will purposely do things like pull out an adult onesie, or baggy old sweat pants with a tenacious D shirt to see what kind of reaction I’ll get. Think I’m sexy in fleece leisure suit with the built in socks? I have infected your psyche. I have a sexy voice, a throaty laugh and a mischievous smirk. But to be a sexual object is exhausting. Constant up keep is needed on finger and toe nails, leg and body shaving. Sexy underthings aren’t the most comfortable, and mile high shoes are hard on the legs and back. You also put a lot of pressure on your exterior appearance. Get a monster zit on your nose? Disaster. Allergic reaction and a rash? self isolation. Chip a tooth, or get wrinkles? Life ending. It’s all so surface. Sexuality and charisma actually come from a place deep within. But the focus is easier shone on the candy coating, instead of the sweet chocolate inside.
My Naturopath hooked me up to the REBA machine, and determined that I am hooked on a jag, I am pessimistic, suspicious, I have a “show or prove it to me” attitude. And this jag has been effecting me for 40-50% of my life. It started between age 17-22 (approximately). She says I have no need of it any more, and have already started to release it. But that I may be able to shed it more quickly if I can find the root. I have a few theories, I was estranged from my paternal grandparents around that time, I had some toxic friendships, and let people treat me poorly. I became more aware of my sexuality. I placed a great deal of my self worth and interactions with others on my physical appearance. I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I became manic about my social life. I haven’t yet decided what caused this jag, maybe its a little of everything. Maybe I’ll never really know, but I am ready to shed it.
I was at work thursday, I had a girl go home sick so I was alone. Pacing the store trying to put away product and serve customers, I like being busy at work. I got a late afternoon text message from the 22 year old. He wanted to know how I was doing. Odd really because I saw him out last weekend and he was awkward and avoided me. (he is young, I need to remember that). What were my plans for the weekend? And maybe we should hang out…? Did he forget I am 12 years his senior? We live 3 hours travel time apart? He does not care. He wants to have me. I am nothing more than a fuck doll to him. An object, something he wants to have. He doesn’t give a damn about my feelings, or if I’m smart, or sweet or funny.
I get to this because as we were texting I explain I will be in Vernon, and his immediate response is he should get a hotel room so we can meet. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. Not for the fact he is 22, but it probably doesn’t help, but because it is a dirty and shameful hide-away. No romance, no friendship. Is he ashamed of me? Afraid of being seen in public? Wants to hide me away for his personal pleasure? I am not going down that rabbit hole again.
We text back and forth for a bit, and he starts sexting-I tell him I’m not interested in soul-less banging, as a general rule, and especially not with someone so young. I have more self respect than to let someone use me. It is clear he is interested only in using me. My suggestion is that he find someone young and dumb, or old and jaded, that he can use just for sex, if that’s all he is looking for I’m sure it’s out there. He is attractive enough it shouldn’t be a hard find.
We end our text conversation with me telling him he doesn’t have to be strange if he sees me out, and maybe we will run into each other, but if he’s not interested in being friends there certainly won’t be any benefits with this girl. All the while thinking that I deserve better, I deserve someone who is not only physically attracted but mentally and emotionally invested as well.
He texted me this morning, “thinking of you”. Well isn’t that sweet, unfortunately I am smart enough to know the truth of it was he forgot the “naked” at the end of that sentence. He’s not fooling anyone.

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I need to

I need to write, I have topics, I have inspiration, I need the time. I need to make the time. I had a naturopath appt last week I need to research and dissect, as well as an unhealthy relationship with food that popped up last week. I am feeling my way blindly trying to date, and not be a psycho. Working towards a better work life balance as well. I haven’t forgotten, I have the desire, must make the time.

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Protected: like nothing I’ve ever done before

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Too much fun.

I took a mental health day yesterday. Not because I am stressed, in fact I have been having maybe a little too much fun the last little while. Friday I had a date, we had fun, I included him in the plans I had with friends, which is a big thing for me. Dinner at Home with BRE, and then the elite for open mic night with R. Also I was looking for a bit of a buffer. I like him, but have this feeling he is looking for something far more intense than I am interested in. I finally feel good about dating, I want to date. I do not want a relationship. (famous last words? maybe… I hope not.)
Saturday I had a naturopath appointment, then a coffee girl date, and then a winefest girl date, and a night out. We had a great time, lots of laughs, and it was good networking for work. We went to the pub after and ended up hanging with a bachelor party, not the entire party, just the married men. We talked about their wives, and kids. I told some awesome dating stories. One of the guys said he didn’t want to “cock block” me, and I should just give him the word and he would take off. I assured him I could flirt over him if need be. I saw the 22 year old, gave him the point and nod, but we did not talk. Saw the man who took his shirt off a few weeks ago in the bar, and asked if there would be an encore. He said no, and I asked if talking sweet would persuade him to reconsider? He ran away, the married guy thought it was hilarious. The married guy told me I was gorgeous, and that it didn’t make sense I was single, he told me not to worry, because soon someone would realize how great I was, probably before I hit 30. I laughed. really? Around 30 you say? Hahaha. I laughed and told him, I was 30 once for a whole year, and not one marriage proposal. Thank you mom and dad for good genes. I am almost 34. A full 2 years older than this fellow. We absolutely had some laughs, after the pub shut down we walked up town to eat poutine, on the bench on the street, at 3 am we were intoxicated and people watching. We shared out late night snack with some random girl, and I saw my ex’s friends, they stopped and we chatted until 4 am, was an enlightening conversation.
I had a short sleep, and headed downtown had another girl date- breakfast girl date. And all sorts of awesome. Did a little book shopping and headed to starbucks to do some work, I was going to blog, but… A woman who had clearly suffered a head injury sat beside me and chatted, actually talked non stop for the hour and a half it took me to do my liquor order. She was lovely but by the time I was done I needed to get out and walk, enjoy the sunshine. I cruised along the lakeshore texting with caramel latte and people watching. Drove home and did a little unpacking.
I had a breakfast date planned for monday, and ended up having what could be the worlds longest date. 3 movies, 3 meals, video games and a nap. As well as a pile of chatting, laughing and general good time. I spent the day away from my cell, sending only essential texts, no e-mail, no facebook. It was a lovely and guilt free day spent away from work and any responsibilities.
I had a date for friday this week, but he just cancelled, I am okay with that, more unpacking and a few blog topics to write this week. Caramel latte suggested a book which I picked up today. Maybe I’ll get to see the cute boy from the gym this weekend! It’s a long weekend…

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You are somebodies reason to masterbate

I only went on one date this week. I two handed texted like a maniac until my phone died every day. But stayed home, did laundry, unpacked a few things. Let down nice guy ninja, some guy who is looking for soul-less banging, and another great guy that I like, but have no desire to make out with. I like him, my labia isn’t a fan. Not that I should let my labia make any major decisions, but it does get some say. I did have an unusual text conversation this week.
I couple weeks ago I got a facebook message in the middle of the night. It was an old customer/acquaintance. A man I hadn’t seen in easily 2 years. He was always a favourite customer, cute, funny, as a bartender, it was my job to flirt, but it was never hard to flirt with him. I have known him for around 8 years. Anyways… middle of the night message telling me he has been working out and could he send me a picture of his new hot body? I didn’t get the message until the next morning, I replied that it was good to hear from him, and would be delighted to get a sexy body picture. Turns out, he was intoxicated, and you can’t un-send a message. We chatted for a bit online, and then I told him to text me. We texted for a while, it was nice to reconnect.
I didn’t hear from him for a few days, so I messaged him, I couldn’t resist teasing a bit- where was my sexy picture? I had some professional nudes done a few years ago, some of them are relatively tame and artistic. I told him I would send one if he did. we exchanged pictures, he has been working hard in the gym, and because I had asked for the picture, it’s not being shared. We continued to chat a bit texting back and forth. He works out of town but is home on weekends and maybe we should go on a date, if I am interested…? Yes, I would love to meet on a date, I liked him-always had. He liked me too, for years now. I admit to the picture being pretty impressive, maybe I should “self massage”… haha. He tells me he is way ahead of me. There I am sitting on my bed, horrified but smiling, staring at my cell phone. I appreciate the honesty, he is using my picture to masterbate. And shamelessly tells me so. Why did I not know he had a crush, for years now? Because I am completely obtuse, being in a long relationship shutting down advances, thinking maybe I was just “one of the guys”. Nervously giggling I tell him I’m flattered I’m someones reason to masterbate. He tells me this isn’t even close to the first time he’s thought about me. Awesome, I am a regular in his spank-bank reel. We have a date next week, it’s going to be great fun- or epically awkward. But I do appreciate the honesty.

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