struggling and floating, alternately

I have been floating on a cloud. I am in a good place. My emotional health has doubled, my mental health, has increased, as well as my aura, or energy. Unfortunately my physical health has gone down. I am eating like crap. Too much sugar, starbucks, and alcohol. I confess to my naturopath that I have been eating junk, and she suggests a little “cleanse”. I go straight to the psycho- cut out everything, weigh and portion my food frame of mind. I ask how long I should cleanse for? She says, whoa… slow down, I’m talking one day a week, every tuesday cut out sugar and bread. Just tuesday. Or wednesday, or friday, or any day that works. I went straight to the unhealthy relationship with food. The restrictive, punish myself behaviour that goes along with my body issues. Now don’t get me wrong, right now, I’m in love with my body, the curve of my breasts although smaller and lower than before, the round of my hip, my smaller smoother thighs, the small rolls bunched around my middle, that used to be large rolls. I feel better in my clothes, I am a solid size 8-10 depending on manufacture. I feel curvy, sexy. Not heavy or frumpy. My hormones, still are out a bit. I have been asked to take a break from the progesterone to see how my body responds. We have the feeling it’s still low. My thyroid, will likely need help, indefinitely, I find If I miss just one day, my hair comes out like crazy, I’m tired. It may be all in my head, but my thyroid is in my neck, and it really seems to be broken.
I have been inspired to cook again, having BRE to eat with, cook for, and caramel latte is an amazing cook. Cute boy from the gym is a baker, a pie expert. I want to spend more time at home, reading, cooking, baking and writing. I haven’t gone on any dates this week, didn’t even phone or text anyone. Caramel latte came over on wednesday for dinner with BRE and I. He is lovely, really sweet, fun, the dog loved him, which is amazing because the dog barks at everyone, not a peep from him with caramel latte. In fact he was licking his toes, and thank goodness because then I didn’t have to. Hahaha. We had a good chat about dating history, I am still amazed at how poorly I had judged him all those months ago, but am thankful for the timing because a few months ago there is no way I could have pulled this off. Casual dating. Liking a number of people and spending time with them. Going out and doing things, again with different people. Learning new things, exposing myself to new experiences. I have a stack of books suggested from different people, I have heard incredible life stories, and am fascinated with different points of view. My brain is being made love to on a nearly daily basis. Photographs, witty texts, e-mails. I am feeling adored and secure. With myself. On my own. I do get an anxious cloud creeping over me periodically, but I tap it out, breathe it thru. Unfortunately I feel like I may be in heat. After months of zero sex drive while struggling with depression, it has come back, with a vengeance. An enormous throbbing pink monster that I have to keep chained and shackled so it doesn’t run amuck. If it gets free it’s going to parade around town humping anything in sight, rubbing up against every tall, dark and dimpled man for a 100 miles. Could make for some awkward interactions. I need a new toy I think… I am not sure if it was the depression or the pure self loathing and body issues that scared away my sex drive, maybe all of the above, paired with a long relationship that suffered a disparaging difference in sexual drive, I bet I was suffering from rejection.
I think that is the only thing I am missing from classic relationship, is the sex. My naturopath suggested I should have more orgasms, I totally need a new toy. Or maybe I’ll un shackle the sex drive monster, but keep the chains, so I can keep the humping selective.

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